The Trails of Laura

Just another reminder....

2010-04-03T12:46:00.000-04:00

That I've moved my Blog over to The Trails of Laura

(http://web.me.com/lcgradzki/Trails_of_Laura/The_Trails_of_Laura.html)

Not that I've been updating much as it is... :-s

I've been so super busy with my new job and training! :p But wouldn't change that for the world!

New Blog Website

2010-03-21T10:45:00.002-04:00

OK I'm starting to move things over now to :

http://web.me.com/lcgradzki/Trails_of_Laura/

2010-03-08T07:34:00.000-05:00

I hope this weather stays. Ontario Cup #1 will be so perfect if it does. Ah, I hope I am not jinxing it!! I'm knocking on wood!! I had a really nice weekend. I went out of town for a little trip and enjoyed the sunshine. I got in a really good 75 minute run outside in the sunshine. I did an hour in the gym yesterday for strength training and some cardio and then did an hour of interval training on my bike trainer when I got home. All in all, a pretty productive training weekend all considering. Nothing too much to speak of, other than life being really upbeat right now. I'm interviewing for a company I really, really want to work for and for a position I really, really want that is really, really perfect for the continuation of my career goals.... and I'm insanely excited. I've been doing research reading for days now.
Another sunny day! Think I'll go for another hour long run outside today.

2010-03-03T17:35:00.000-05:00

Another sunny day. Temperatures are starting to rise outside. The big Bike Show is on starting this Friday and the weather is setting the perfect tone for it. I plan to go on Friday if all goes well. Anyway - I managed to cram in a ton of work today, a few dog-ski walks, and a 2 hour gym session today. I'm getting to the point now where I need to go for all that ...testing....and I need...HR monitors or whatever it is everyone uses. Maybe if I am lucky in the next few months, I will be able to invest in stuff. But for now - I can only go on feel and advice. But that's OK. It's not like I'm racing at a high level or anything. Every year I make an improvement and that's what makes me happy. I'm going to go read today's Globe and Mail now and relax for the night.

2010-03-02T09:51:00.002-05:00

I am grateful for my life and family and friends! And this day! I am every day, but sometimes things happen in life that make you REALLY reflect on just that. There's been so much going on with family the last week or so. So, I'm counting my lucky stars these days. And I'm also glad my siblings are both OK after what happened to both of their cars. Beyond that, I'm still plugging away here. We had a huge snowfall over the weekend. The park's snow was so deep that it reached my dog's stomach and it was definitely easier to use the skis than my boots to take him for walks. Yesterday I did a brief 25 minute xc ski outside. The snow was hard and I felt like I was skating. I went to the gym later on and did my upper body strength training with a cardio warm-up. I spent the rest of the day running errands for everyone.

Today's zipping by much too quickly already. I am incorporating a new variation in my training as suggested by my trainer friend and fellow mountain bike xc racer , Joey of Kingdom Force Sports, that will hopefully help me with my enduro race goals for the season down the line. It involves doing an hour or less of hard tempo riding when I first wake up in the morning (currently on my trainer, with all this snow) to aid in pushing the ability of my glycogen stores - a concept that I was interested in. Initially, I was just pulling one or two long hard tempo trainer sessions a week, lasting 2-3 hours each, alongside my strength training, running, and shorter (60 minutes) interval trainer sessions. Joey suggested a different, more beneficial idea on this topic, and says, "yep! it's called gycolysis training and science now shows that is more effective to accompish that through timing a 60 min, or less depending on how long it takes to deplete glycogen stores Hard Tempo ride to occur when you wake up before eating anything. Have a 3:1 carb:protein ratio at the end and do this consistantly for a training block. The ride can be extended after, for up to 2 hours more but at THE SAME intensity in order to build new mitochondia in the muscle cells. Studies show that 10 days training like this produce optimal endurance performance benefit. After which time, training moves to higher intensity for up to 6 weeks followed by sustained power and muscle endurance. The key is to manipulate intensity against recovery, not volume."

Anyways - check Joey out at Kingdom Force Sports if you have any sports nutrition and training needs in Ontario!!

I gave it a go this morning. I think the only hard part about it was the initial 10 minutes before I even got on the bike. ie. getting out of bed to get on my trainer instead of walking downstairs to the coffee maker. ha ha! So I'm on a lower caloric intake than I was on the 'primal' eating system. (I think around 1300 calories to be honest right now - I'm trying to lean out before race season, but I don't skimp around the time frame of my workouts. But so far so good! I've leaned out quite a bit in the last 2 months). And I seem to be carrying a daily balance of 50-60% carbohydrates, and a range of 25-30% protein and around 15% fat. And I stop eating after 6:30 pm, so I effectively had a good 12 hours of fasting before I got on the bike. And ya know what? I felt great! I use Race Day Rush for long trainer rides and I'll do a couple of the mountain bike races (the majority of them I've raced in) and set it up on my big flat screen monitor and set my trainer up in front of it. It's fun! I get in the zone and pedal like I'm in the race, changing gears and pushing hard like I would if I had actually been in the race. I find it harder to get like that just starting into space with earphones. Anyways! I did a hard tempo 50 minute ride and I felt really good. I felt quite hungry by 30 minutes. By 40 minutes, my muscles were feeling a little burny. But I finished and I'm liking this idea. I had my oatmeal and sliced fruit breakfast and coffee and now I'm off to take the dog outside on my skis. It's a beautiful day outside! So sunny!

I'm going to finish an extra hour or two on the trainer later tonight, I think. The rest of the day until then is strictly gonna be work! Lots to do!!

It's a feel good day today!

"They say that time is the fire in which we burn."

2010-03-01T10:52:00.003-05:00

I have effectively ended that little project experiment that I talked about in my last post. A handful of days was enough for me to see that...ya know what?...Not only do I still think it's overall unhealthy - it sucks! Why would I even want to live my life like that? I don't even really like meat, for one. Eating "primal" has a lot of issues to me, personally. First of all, I monitored my nutrient intake and ratios over the last few days (as I do every day) and compared the numbers. I wasn't really impressed. I found that you actually take in more calories than necessary (and it doesn't even feel like it) and way more fat and protein than your body even needs. Which, as they say, is what gets used then over carbo glycogen. Screw that?! I'll just use carbohydrates. It's easier to use and it tastes better! And my liver and digestive system will be happier. Poor liver! Protein molecules are big! I'll leave my protein intake for muscle repair and building and my carbohydrates for muscle fueling for my training. I like the balance of the two, not only for how I feel inside, but because my diet is more satisfying and balanced! But forget it - I'm not training my body to rely on fatty acids for fuel instead. I don't think it's worth it.

However - the way I eat is still starkly different than most people. I still am not a fan of high glycemic carbohydrates and I still do not eat potatoes, rice or pasta. I barely eat bread either. I am the biggest supporter of oatmeal. This is the food that was omitted to give me the 'primal' eating structure, as it is really the last grain food that I eat. (Except for cereal. I don't eat bowls of cereal for breakfast like I used to, but I still have a cup of dry cereal for a snack some days or I use it on yogurt or I use it as a cheat night dessert - it's a favourite treat of mine! Addicted to cereal since 1997! And I'm not getting rid of it! I just modified when I can fit it into my nutrition plan.). But back to oatmeal...

Plain dry oatmeal is the champion of foods for fitness and training. (NOT THOSE INDIVIDUAL QUICK PACKS! They are full of sugar). Nothing to me has come close in being as satiating as oatmeal in terms of how low its calorie, fat, and carbohydrate content is and how high its protein and benefit is. 1/2 cup dry oatmeal cooked with water fluffs up to a huge bowl of oatmeal! And it's approximately 150 calories, 2-3 g of fat, 26g of carbohydrates and 6g of protein. Let me put this into context for you. 1 egg is 70-80 calories, 5g of fat, and 6 g of protein. And .6g of carbohydrates. So you're telling me that I should fuel my active body with eggs for breakfast? Don't get me wrong - I do! I often add a few cooked egg whites to my breakfast routine. Sometimes I do just have eggs and turkey bacon and fruit. But look at it! You get the same amount of protein in oatmeal as an egg. And don't tell me you're satisfied and energized for the morning with only 1 egg. You'll add more food to that. Maybe a few more eggs. Maybe some fruit. Some bacon of some sort. Now what are you up to in calories and fat and protein? And if you added fruit, you've topped up on carbohydrates anyways! Here's another perspective - 1 apple is approximately 25g of carbs. Looks pretty much the same to me as that 1/2 cup of oatmeal! So now you've just consumed an excess of protein and fat. And if you're primarily focused on protein and fat and no carbohydrates, that just balloons throughout the rest of the day. I really don't care if this works for people or not. Good for them! Good for you! To me this is gross! I not only felt weak and lethargic in my muscles for my workout eating like this, but burned through simple fruit sugars like a bat out of hell. And for what? I was still eating way more calories and fat and protein than my body needed, yet I couldn't work out and train as hard. (food with higher protein has a trend of having more fat and calories). And vegetables are not very effective as a fuel source. I mean, don't get me wrong, 3/4 of my lunch and dinner are strictly vegetables, but how much more can you possibly eat before your stomach is too busy trying to digest it all for you to even have a hard training session? Vegetables are low calorie in every sense - fat, protein and carb - so you gotta eat a lot of them. It just got worse as the days went by. And I didn't enjoy it at all. I pretty much wasn't happy.

As someone who works-out/trains 10+ hours a week - I wasn't impressed.

What also makes me irritated is the casual use of "early humans" as the source for why people eat "primal". My degree is in paleolithic archaeology. Let me explain a few things. Archaeologists are still debating the scavenger versus hunting issue with early hominids. But it leans towards scavenger until we developed tools for hunting and processing meat. They scavenged whatever the hell they could eat to begin with. And they ate other food sources. And when they did eat meat, it was the fatty fatty fatty left over bits, like marrow. So throw out your farm-grown , GRAIN-FED, lean chicken and lean cuts of beef - because that's not what they ate! You've got it all wrong! And throw out your salads too with all your fresh veggies - because they didn't make them. It was called "survival" because it was so high calorie.

But understand that that is NOT all they used to eat. And understand that they weren't eating to be lean mean athletic machines. Like I said: survival. They didn't run marathons or do bike races. They lived to maybe 30. We don't even know what their bodies really looked like or how "healthy" they were because we don't have tissue preservation with early hominid skeletons. Later through time, as early humans spread throughout the world - you find many variations in dietary habits that were connected with environmental setting. Humans adapted. Their bodies adapted to the foods that were available in their natural setting. The Inuits live off of meat - yes! Good for them! Does that mean you should too? If you want! But you'll have to train your body to do it. And then good luck affording that sort of meat-only lifestyle. Also, good luck to your heart and liver. My point is - you can't make generalizations to establish that THIS is the way humans should eat. Because there IS no ONE way. We've been random garbage eaters since the beginning. We survived through our capacity to make use of many kinds of foods. We survived through our capacity to create tools to process different kinds of foods. TOOLS to PROCESS MEAT. Which is the same concept as TOOLS to process grain plants. (Idiots!). Which by the way, the use of grains has now been pushed back to 40, 000 years ago. ;-) Which is a very long time for the body to spend in adaptation. So unless you've been living up in the arctic and only eating meat to begin with, like I said, have fun training your body to utilize strictly meat and vegetables - just remember it's a personal choice! Not a law! Finally - I prefer to rely on modern nutrition science than some generalizations of what early humans thought and did 40,000 years ago. Remember - survival!

That being said. YES - the main strength of all of this is the point that we should be eating natural foods. Eat natural foods and in the context of what works for you and your lifestyle. I'm very satisfied with all of my experimenting as I've found the nutrition plan that works the best for me. And I've definitely changed and improved my nutrition drastically over the last year and I'm a lot healthier and happier for it. And I feel good, I'm starting to lean out, build muscle, and my workouts feel great and energized. That's all that matters! Obviously I'm doing what's right for me. So do what's right for you!

My daily nutrition looks like this:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries and cinnamon and almond milk or skim milk (or sliced berries or other fruit)

Snacks: Yogurt & Fruit (I stick almond butter in there too - almond butter on apple slices, yum!)

Lunch: Protein & Vegetables (Eg. tuna or salmon on mixed green salad with vegetables)

Snacks: Yogurt and/or Fruit

Dinner: Protein & Vegetables (eg. chicken breast or fish with vegetables and mixed green salad)

So that's my soap box thing for the day.
...Bye!!

"Simplify, Simplify" - Thoreau

2010-02-24T11:10:00.002-05:00

I went for a little trip the last few days. It was good to get out and do something different. I relish a nice long drive. It's good for the soul. But I wasn't feeling very well. I felt it coming. The snowy weather that arrived seemed to make it worse. I've come home now - recovering.

So, I have a little project for the week to go with my training. It's an experiment. So far, when I look at my diet, I can see that for many, many months now, I have completely omitted most starchy grains from my diet. I do not eat potatoes, rice, or beans or anything of the sort. I am strictly fish, chicken, vegetables, greens, fruit, nuts and light dairy...and oatmeal...and occasionally low-sugar, low-fat cereals ( 1/4 cup on my yogurt or mixed in with plain oatmeal, etc, or evil cheat nights). And occasionally some stone ground wheat rye bread 2-4x a week). That is my project - completely cut out the last of the grains. Why? Why would I do that?

I want to be leaner. I'm testing this out. I eat super healthy but I do eat pretty high carb (though with the idea that it's for training).....I also want to stop the cocaine addict thing I have going on with grainy carbohydrates.
I am skeptical about cutting out oatmeal, though, being a developing athlete, and a little wary of it, as I love oatmeal. Carbohydrates would come from fruit. Today was Day #1. I woke up at my usual 6:30 am. Instead of measuring 1/2 cup of oats for cooking....I cut up some broccoli and peppers and tossed them into a non-stick pan. I added some well-beat egg whites and made a big fluffy egg white omelette. On the side I had 2 strips of low fat chicken bacon (65 calories for the 2 slices) and a sliced up banana with almond butter for them. Water and a cup of tea.

I felt fine afterwards. But a few hours later, I was hungry again. I had 1/2 cup of yogurt with a few blackberries and almonds tossed on top. It's 11 am now and I'm about to go for an easy 1 hour spin on my trainer. (I'm recovering from returning to the gym the other day and doing my lower body strength training...holy crap I feel like I put my leg muscles into a paper shredder, wtf!!!! Never stopping my strength training again yikes. I could barely walk yesterday let alone climb stairs.

Anyways....the trouble with eating like this is staying motivated to prep and cook food and also not get sick of certain foods. I don't know about anyone else but I have no appetite for meats. I'm almost starting to feel yeellch if I have to eat one more fish or chicken. And red meat does nothing for me. And sometimes I like salads and other times....yelchh! I have to sit down and get more creative. Most of the time, I just bake a big thing of fish or chicken and make a salad with mixed greens or baby spinach and another side of a vegetable or a bunch of vegetables. I need to start making bigger batches so that I have extra for lunch. Lunch is the stumper because it was so easy to make sandwiches or such....

Anyways, that's the excitement for today. So far, so good. I'm still alive. I'm slightly grouchy with the lack of carb fix (probably same calories for the morning as with the oatmeal breakfast, but 1/3 the amount of carbohydrates was taken in) but it's passing. I don't feel the usual insulin punch in the face, though, which is a good thing.

These Old Shoes

2010-02-16T11:51:00.002-05:00

I have to say...I love my Specialized mountain bike shoes. I give props to Specialized in that case. I'm going into my 3rd season with them and they're still in great shape and super comfortable. I had to order them online because I couldn't find sizes in 34-36 range...And I found these and they weren't even expensive at all. And they're simple and comfy and they match my bike colour and they have great toe reinforcement....

So thanks Specialized, for making small-people riding shoes that endure the abuse I put them through! I thought for sure with the amount of riding and racing I do, they'd be toast. Especially after last years hella muddy rainy season. And I use them every week on the trainer in off-season, too. Nope! Still good!
Now I'm so attached to them that I will be sad when they do go.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"Don't waste your time, or time will waste you."

2010-02-11T22:07:00.000-05:00

Busy, busy, busy.

We got dumped on with snow the other day with approximately 8cm, so I've happily exchanged my boots for my new skis on my daily dog walks through the big park. I tried to shovel the driveway but it's just too big. My dad just runs over it with the volvos and flattens it that way. Works well enough.

My bike trainer is now also set up with my bike, which is no longer sitting in a bike box in pieces (thanks Ben). I've been putting in the hours this week on it. I'll have a renewed gym membership here by tomorrow, I believe, so it'll be back to the weights and stuff, too.

I'm missing the auto show tomorrow in Toronto as my mum needs help getting to and fro hospital for appointments. My dad had this planned out with my sister, who is in Toronto, and to see her new work and get her car in for an appointment - so I volunteered to not go. I don't mind. I'll drive up on Saturday for a day trip for what I need to do and come back.

This morning, I baked 2 sets of cookies. I baked two dozen oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for my grandparents and parents - to my grampy's delight. And for me, I baked 2 dozen 'protein health' cookies yet to be named. This is a new recipe concoction of mine, stemming from an idea last week that I played around with.... and it turned out brilliantly. The ingredients of my health cookie consist of oats, whole wheat flour, red river cereal, baking soda, whey protein, unsweetened apple sauce, fat free yogurt, 1 egg, splenda, vanilla extract, cinnamon, and chocolate chips. I got the measurements and consistency down the way I hoped....they came out as a nice cookie. Consistency very close to a normal oatmeal cookie (just a little denser). Not cake-like at all. I was so pleased.

I'm going to be moving the blog over to a MobileMe website account through iWeb soon. My blog will be a segment of my larger website. It's not done yet, though.

That's all for now. Just trying to stay in the present in my mind. I get anxious when I think about the future right now. But yet I am really enjoying the present. So....get in the now!!

In unrelated news, I'd like to make a plug for a fantastic HBO Series that I watched off and on a few years ago...but now have had the chance to see again with someone in my family purchasing the DVD set. Rome. It's intensely good. Everyone knows I'm squeamish and uncomfortable watching anything bloody or too sexual but....this series was worth squinting through my eyelids. Get it!! Watch it! I love it when someone does a deep and creative job in recreating the ancient past.

'There must be some kind of way out of here,' said the joker to the thief"

2010-02-09T11:37:00.001-05:00

Monday was a weekend day for me, I guess. I got a little done that morning for work... but I spent the remainder of it in a little nordic ski adventure at The Pinery in Grand Bend with Ben. It was fortunately a really, really nice day for a ski and he made the drive down to my house. My dad made Nalesniki for brunch. Polish crepes. With sliced up fruit and maple syrup. Thank god we were going skiing after that...

We went to the Pinery for the afternoon, which is about 30 minutes away. It was so nice there. I got to try out my new xc skis. Classic xc skiing. I've only been a few times before so my skillz are still in learning-mode. The first 10 minutes were sheer awkwardness. I fell 10 seconds into the ski. They were sort of different. They were really grippy at the front, so I had to figure out how to balance my weight properly so that they didn't catch and throw me off (and down the hill). By the time the first hour rolled along, I was rolling right along with it. Climbs felt good, flats felt great, descents went from "Ahhhh!" to "Weeee!!" My technique still sucks though. But now I can practice! We had a good 2 hour-ish ski and headed back to whip up a steak and veggie stir fry.

By the time the day was over, it was already 8pm. My face felt warm and looked red from the winter wind and sun. I felt really exhausted. Like, really exhausted. Like I could close my eyes and fall asleep in the chair, exhausted. I managed to read one of my novels....the one that wouldn't take a lot of thinking energy power...and I went to sleep around 10:30 and was out cold. I even slept in till 7:30 am.

That's yesterday.

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.”

2010-02-08T08:42:00.000-05:00

Trivial Blather & 2010 Race Season Goals:

Up at 6:00 am, long list of things on my To Do List, workout, walk the dog, go to bed at 10:30-11.... That's pretty much the gist of it. There is definitely no lack of things to do right now. When you want something - you really gotta push for it and do what you gotta do to get there. Sometimes I look at the clock in bewilderment. I don't even know where the time goes, sometimes. On a jet pack, no doubt.

I went for a 10km run yesterday outside and then added an extra 30 minutes of treadmill running later that evening. I'm hesitant to buy another gym membership here incase I end up back in Ajax sooner than expected (of which I am hopeful). I need to save every dollar I have right now for bills. My bike trainer should be set up today, too, so that will help. I want to make sure that I'm still working out/training hard every day, despite my location. April is arriving swiftly.....My thoughts are returning to the upcoming race season. I had a sit down with it over lunch yesterday and couldn't help but feel that old bubbly rush in my heart at the mere thought. I can't wait!! So, I hope the job aspect works out soon and that I'm happily employed in a job that I like once again. My 2010 Race Season is my 2nd year racing in Senior Sport 19-29. So I don't have any excuses this year...it's my 3rd year racing, my 2nd year racing for realzies on the big boy course, and my 4th year since I learned to ride!!! Back in 2007!

Let's see....My choices for early season races ....

April 11, 2010 - The 19th annual Uxbridge Icebreaker at Durham, Forest.

50km or 25km course.....I think this race is a must! It's my community and I love these guys. And obviously close to me in Ajax. I volunteered at the race last year and had a great a time. Long or short course? I'm beginning to suspect that I'm a better enduro racer than I will ever be for short sprinty courses. I'm going to focus on performance in endurance races this year. So clearly - long course it is! Good early season training!

April 18, 2010 - 2010 Paris to Ancaster Race in Paris, ON

There's the 60km course or the 35km course. People have said good things about this race. Again, because I'm interested in focusing on enduro racing this season - it would be good early-season training. Just to get into the groove.

April 25 - Ontario Cup #1 - Mansfield, Ontario

This is not an option! Not only is it my duty as a team member to complete the entire Ontario Cup Series, but it was also my original goal for the year to make every single race. This time - rain or shine. Well, obviously shine...Why would I not want to race when it's sunny....Besides - Mansfield is fun! I remember it being my least favourite course last year, for some reason. I think it was because Mansfield trails were new to me that year and the flow on them felt funny and different. I know I really enjoyed the Marathon Mtb Bike Race there near the end of the season, so it should be good. I'm looking forward to having a better first O'Cup race this year.

That pretty much sums up April. I might not be able to do all three, depending on money. You figure that's about $120 bucks give or take, right there! But maybe the gods will be kind to me in the next few weeks and I'll be good to go by then. ("Did she just say 'gods'??). My muscles are aching with delight already, wahoo!

The hardest part about the race season is the toll it takes on friends and family. I don't actually have any issues with cramming in as much race fun madness as possible. Last year, I participated in:

Ontario Cup #1
Ontario Cup #2 (missed race from traffic but went to it!)
Ontario Cup #4
Ontario Cup #7 (DNF'd...one of my contacts came out! haha!)
Spring Epic 8 Hour
Fall Epic 8 Hour
Summer Solstice 24 Hour
Hot August Nights 24 Hour
Marathon Challenge #3
Marathon Challenge Championships
Durham Forest Weekly Race Series

I am straining to think if there were any more races that I participated in. But no matter, that was the gist of it. It was a disgustingly rainy and muddy season last summer. It kept me from doing a lot more races than that - I don't have the money and mechanical know-how to maintain the bike with that much wear and tear on it from weather, so I tried to be careful. Fingers crossed for weather this season and I intend to race...

Ontario Cup Series #1-7
Epic 8 Hour Series - Spring, Summer and Fall
Summer Solstice 24 Hour
Hot August Nights 24 Hour
Durham Forest Weekly Race Series - Entire Series

Already, that's 12 races plus the Durham Series which ranges from April-September every Thursday pretty much. That will be my core and I'm definitely excited to do other races as I can fit them in. Maybe a Super D race finally. Maybe the Marathon Series again (I hated the first one at Ganaraska - I got poison ivy that took me out for 4 weeks) but I enjoyed the Mansfield one. And whatever else is out there. But I say my race season takes a toll on my friends and family, and not me, because my family barely sees me as soon as the race season starts! Here I am in the fall/winter and I'm home every weekend, relaxing, helping out, having a great time...but come April-September, I'm booked almost every weekend for a race. I often think how funny that seems. That I choose to spend my weekends from work - which are thought to be the 2 days you get to relax and unwind from work - and I physically torture myself for an entire day. But I don't see it like that...(except for while I'm driving there, while I'm in the starting line up, and in the first 10 minutes of the race...as you can see from my 'OMG what am I doing' look in above photo)...I see it as a social affair where I get to be with my friends and community, where I get to share my hobby and interests, and where I get to push myself and have a great workout. I always feel SO good after I'm done a race, regardless of how well I did. Like I just climbed Mt Everest or something. And the people and the memories....I don't think I've ever been involved in something that I could ever look back on and say, "those were the best memories of my life". Mountain Biking is that thing for me. I say it every year. The community, events, people, friends, camping, traveling, learning and development....it's perfect really. I know that my 2010 season, even though it will all be new and different again for me, will be another year to remember. And it will be interesting to see how much further I get in my race performance and in my riding skill and fitness this year. So in advance, my apologies to everyone when I seem like I've once more fallen off the face of the planet. And see you all soon, to the ones who are part of my little mountain bike world! Can't wait to ride bikes with ya through the trees!! And now for some recap photos from the last few years....Meeeemmorriesss...

"Running from the thought, I keep bumping back into it; trying to get away, keep dragging me into it; Running from the thought, I keep bumping back into it, trying to get away - How many times we been through it"

2010-02-06T09:56:00.006-05:00

Wednesday - February 3, 2010:
It was like a reunion with a long-lost family member - the Return of Fitty. He was off-loaded from the train and ready for pick-up as of Wednesday late morning. And as I struggled to figure out how to get to him through a complicated network of public transit, GO trains and cabs, I was reminded of how simple and enjoyable my little blue buddy makes my life. I opted instead for a brutal $60 cab ride to the shipping yard, which was north of Finch Rd off of Markham Rd in Scarborough. I made this decision a few minutes in waiting for a bus that was never going to come by. Time is money, anyways.

When I got there and received my papers, I literally ran across the street with visions of open arms to embrace an armless and thereby huggy-less vehicle that I immediately caught sight of beyond the fence. It was the glinting colour that always gave him away. That shade of "Extra-Electric-Bluey-Blue-With-A-Punch-of-Obvious-Gloss". OK, that and the deer whistles on the front grille. I'm still not sure if they do jack-all but....Okay, I'm going to stop that thought in its tracks (deer tracks) before I jinx myself. Anyway, I impatiently scribbled away my signatures on the release papers for the Texan-sounding security guard and ran to inspect Fitty. He looked OK! Very dusty and dirty, but no dents or scratches that I could see. I have to say, that company does a decent job. I would recommend J.Simons Fasttrack Shipping if anyone ever needs to ship their vehicle by rail. Just be warned that it takes FOREVER. I could have honestly driven Fitty back and forth across the country about 5-6x already. Anyway, I warmed Fitty up and re-set my windows and things back to the way they were and took off back to Ajax. I was grinning the whole drive back. I loved Fitty! He was like my dog...but with wheels. I spent the remainder of the afternoon in the garage vacuuming and cleaning the interior. I topped up the windshield wiper fluid, too. The rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I did a 40 minute core/upper body free weight work out that evening and did a lot of reading. Oh, and packing. It was pretty snowy that day, so I decided to drive back home the next morning. Thursday was supposed to be a gorgeous and sunny day. Perfect driving conditions. I enjoy fair weather driving. Well, who doesn't?

Thursday - February 4, 2010:

I took my time in the morning. I had breakfast around 6am, applied for a few more jobs that I was very interested in on my MacBook, finished packing, and then head out on the waterfront trail for a cold morning jog. It was a jog because the pavement was littered with remnants of ice and snow seemingly etched into the ground. I danced around it all and tried to keep my weight centred as I went along so as not to slip out. I was taking a risk with jogging outside because it was quite cold and I was weirdly fighting against a sinus and throat cold. I have no idea what it is. My throat became sore the previous night and I felt very, very tired and drained. That's when I took a day off on Tuesday. Now the throat felt fine, I felt less tired, but my sinuses were congested. Dammit! Anyways, It was a few hours later that I had showered, dressed, and finished putting together my bags at the door that I was ready to head out on the road. I made myself a peanut butter toast sandwich for the drive and stuck in a bag of carrot sticks to boot. Grabbed an apple and took off around 10am. I excitedly stopped at the Esso on Westney and Bayly to refuel and get a car wash! (I was excited about the car wash). Yay Fitty! You know, Vancouver barely has any carwashes. Well at least they're not as common to see around, like Ontario. But it makes sense I guess - they get insane amounts of rain and we get dirty slushy snow and grit. I grabbed a Timmys coffee, set my iphone up on ipod mode on its little stand and headed out. I had the most enjoyable drive back home, I'll tell you what. God, I loved it here. I loved my perfect little life in Durham and my perfect little drive back to my parents, where my perfect little family house (ok, BIG, not little) was with my perfect spacious bedroom that was more like an apartment in itself. I spent the rest of that day re-organizing my room from top to bottom. Closet shelves reorganized, furniture re-arranged. Now the little sofa couch and chair and TV area looked like its own little room and my bed/night table looked like its own little area, and my work-desk area was its own little area - overlooking everything and in perfect view of my television too. Oh, I also watched a DVD that night while doing some stuff. The History Boys. I quite liked it, but I wasn't sure how I felt about the side-story that followed along the main plot.

Friday - February 5, 2010:

Holy doodles, where does the time go? I felt like a chicken with its head-cut off. I finished a silly mock-up article about Neron, my dog. Well - partially. I don't know how far I'll go to actually write an entire fake interview with my dog, ha ha. It was just to see what Apple Pages could do. Especially since I'm learning design and desktop publishing from scratch. I know absolutely NOTHING. I have no idea how to use any programs. Nor do I know anything about design. I made this exclusively on Apple Pages. Not bad for a little piece of software! I love Apple! It didn't take long at all. And I've never used it before. There's a couple issues I want to work on from it though. Spacing issues and such. Anyways, I'm moving on now to Adobe Photoshop and InDesign and etc now. I need to also learn the big stuff so I can do things more properly. I need to study more and take more notice of design now. There's so much to learn. It's so exciting! I'm so glad I finally have time to learn all of this stuff from scratch. No more "I wish" for 2010! I scheduled a training appointment for one of my dad's clients who needs Apple training from scratch. I'm supposed to do some training courses for him so that I can take his training jobs so he can focus on just service - as he's overwhelmed with jobs as it is. (Grad Consulting Services: Authorized Apple Service Provider) Suits me great! I spent the rest of the day just getting stuff done around the house, going to the bank and grocery store, taking my nana to the grocery store, taking dog for walks, doing some reading and work, and taking my bike out of its bike box.....RATS there's a lot off the bike. The headset is completely off, I'm not sure if the fork is OK?, the tires have had the air taken out of them, and the candy pedals are off...I let it go for the evening. I had hoped to put it on my trainer. Nothing too much of significance to talk about, as I am noticing that this blog post is getting too lengthy again.

Saturday - February 6, 2010:

That's today!!! I went for a run this morning at 6:30 am to account for my terrible eating habits last night. I have a cheat night every other week so that I don't drive myself crazy. I guess it's kinda sad that my idea of pigging out is eating a ton of cereal that I like...oh and I had some pumpkin bread with it too...and a cookie....Mmm....I almost preferred going to bed hungry after that, though. I felt sick after. And it felt pointless. But that's why I do it. Then I don't want to eat cereal again. (it's the one thing I really really crave. that and baked goods). And I'm good to go for another 2 weeks until the next cheat night ha ha. :-s

Plain cooked oatmeal with bananas and blueberries for breakfast after! No sugar!! Then walked the dog. It's a nice sunny day today. Cold though. My sinuses are still bothering me. Mostly at night. I do wish it would go away.

OK, gotta get some work done.

"He gave his life for tourism. Golden idol! He's an Egyptian They're sellin' you."

2010-02-03T10:58:00.006-05:00

King Tut: The Golden King and the Great Pharoahs - Art Gallery of Ontario, Toronto, ON

How do you sell archaeology to the public?

This has been a fundamental issue for anyone who has worked or studied in the field of archaeology....and a great deal of funding relies on public and government support. However, I can bet that if I read you any of the titles of even my own undergraduate research papers, you’d much less want to hear me finish the title, let alone give me money to fund the study. But that is the crux of the problem; our understanding of the ancient past is derived from the collaboration and culmination of a vast array of research and excavation studies. So what do we do?

It’s simple Public Relations and Marketing tactics. You give the people what they want to hear. What they’re interested in. You look at the cultural success of movies like Indiana Jones or The Mummy and you immediately gain a sense of what fascinates people. Glitter, anyone? The minor Pharoah, Tutankhamun, has been a raving success for public attention since the time of its discovery in the 1920’s by Howard Carter. And just like Carter, the discovery was famous for its “treasure”, not its context. And it still reigns into modern times, where I had the fortune to attend the “King Tut” Exhibition at the AGO in Toronto on Saturday of January 30, 2010, which did an excellent job catering to public interests in the presentation of Ancient Egyptian history and artwork. The exhibit focused mainly on "King Tut", which is a figure that even children know - but managed to squeeze in much, much more and hopefully caught some more widespread attention.

Tutankhamun is one of the very few tombs discovered in Ancient Egypt that has actually been left undisturbed (for the most part). Probably owing to how small it was (4 little rooms). As a result, the material culture associated with the Pharaoh survived and has certainly “wowed” people. But Tutankhamun was actually a very, very minor little dent in the grand story of Egyptian history. In fact, his reign falls at the end of a completely fascinating time, known as the Amarna Period, during which a strange Pharaoh known as Amenhotep IV (1364-1347 BC) changed his name to Akhenaten, pressured a monotheistic workship of the sun disk Aten, and moved the royal capital to a city of his own creation. He called it - Akhetaten. He was pretty confident with himself, eh?

When Akhenaten’s reign had come to pass, his 9 year old son, Tutankhanaten co-reigned. His name was changed to Tutankhamun (note return to focus on cult of Amun). There is speculation regarding who was actually running the show during his reign, which only lasted for approximately 9 years. It is attributed to Ay and Horemheb - military men who later took the throne for themselves following Tutankhamun’s death. Ay supposedly married Tutankhamun’s widow. When Ay died, Horemheb (the Commander of the Army for Akhenaten and King’s Deputy for Tutankhamun) seized the throne.

So there you have it. A minor 9 year reign for Tutankhamun with very little recorded history beyond a restoration of the original polytheistic pantheon and a return of the capital to Thebes. In fact, like Akhenaten, he didn’t even make the official king list. And yet, the abundance of material left undisturbed in his tomb brought him excellent future fame! If it hadn’t been discovered, archaeologists would probably know next to nothing about this particular little Pharaoh.

So, when I arrived at the AGO, I was excited to finally notice the full title of the exhibition. “And the Great Pharaoh’s”. Implying that there was much more to see than “King Tut”. Not that I wasn’t excited to see that, too. I walked through the doors on that particularly blustery Saturday morning and I was immediately taken back with volume of people lined up to get into the exhibition. I was both impressed and annoyed. Impressed because archaeology is always in need of good PR plugs - the funding for excavations and conservation doesn’t come out of a magical hat, like I alluded to above. Annoyed because I knew most people were only interested in seeing “gold”. Again, as alluded to above.

The exhibit offered an audio tour guided by Harrison Ford (Ha Ha Ha!!) and Dr. Zahi Hawass, the Secretary General of the Supreme Council of Antiquities in Egypt. My mum took the audio tour. I took my own tour. I pushed through the dense throngs of people to look at each display, but felt crowded and pressured by everyone around me. Occasionally, I’d glance at people’s faces to observe their reaction. It fell along the lines of dumbfounded blankness. It was kind of disappointing. But it was great that they were there with some sort of interest.

Even better was the material brought in from other dynasties and Pharaoh’s. A little dabbling from the Old Kingdom to Middle Kingdom to New Kingdom with some Intermediate Stuff. There was a diorite statue of Khafre, Pharaoh of the 4th dynasty (Old Kingdom) who built the 2nd of the great pyramids. He is also accredited with the construction of the Sphinx. There was an incredible calcite statue of Pepi II, who reigned in the 6th dynasty and was the last major Pharaoh of the Old Kingdom. I'm fascinated by items made of calcite, because it's so fragile. And best of all, there was a lot of material on Akhenaten. You’ll see why he is so interesting even to look at when you see the monumental artwork from his period. This blog post will be far too long to go into it any further, so do a littleresearch on his reign and you’ll see what I mean

There were some fascinating artefacts from Tutankhamun’s reign, for certain. Of interest to me were the items made of wood, including a bed. Wood! Amazing to have it preserved this far into the future. I nearly pressed my face into the glass display with squinting eyes as I looked for traces of mould growing on the fragile pieces. Other interesting pieces that caught my attention were the scarcophagus for Tutankhamun’s cat, boat models, the canopic container that contained Tutankhamun's stomach, Tutankhamun’s earrings, and a pair of sandals (made of gold). There were dozens and dozens of smaller items throughout the exhibit that deserve to have something said, but it's almost pointless unless you want a history lesson on everything. So....I’ll leave it to you to go catch the exhibit before it’s over!

The exhibit had a fantastic set-up and was filled with descriptive histories for each item and time period. A well-paced tour takes about an hour. And there was much, much more than just gold ;) Check it out at the Art Gallery of Ontario http://www.ago.ca

The exhibition is being put on by the National Geographic, Arts and Exhibitions International (AEI) and AEG Exhibitions with collaboration from the Egyptian Supreme Council of Antiquities. The AGO website states that, "A portion of proceeds from this exhibition will go toward antiquities preservation and conservation efforts in Egypt, including the construction of a new grand museum in Cairo." (http://www.ago.net/king-tut-the-golden-king-and-the-great-pharaohs-fact-sheet).

Have fun!
And if you want to do a little light reading, there’s a cute website that does a pretty fair job at recounting Ancient Egypt’s history and archaeology at http://www.touregypt.net/kings.htm

And if you can't be bothered by any of this and you're more interested in entertainment...then....go watch Steve Martin's King Tut song and dance from 1979, when the exhibit first opened. :-)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

2010-02-01T15:14:00.005-05:00

The cargo trains have not been docked or unloaded today yet. No Fitty today. ARGHHH.

Therefore, click below....

http://www.nooooooooooooooo.com/

"He coulda won a Grammy, (king Tut) Buried in his Jammies, (king Tut) Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, He was born in Arizona, got a condo made of stone-a, King Tut!"

2010-02-01T09:05:00.005-05:00

Friday:

I managed to fit in a short 30 minute workout using the ancient treadmill in the basement for a run, as well as an abdominal exercise routine, prior to my mother returning home from work. There was still a good hour of daylight left for our drive to Toronto as we finally pulled out of the driveway just after 5pm. I drove us straight there without stopping. It was a pretty straightforward and easy drive. No traffic. The King Edward hotel was easy to find and I looped us around to the front for the valet to take the car. The hotel was luxurious, of course. My mother does go all out whenever she does book a vacation. I am not one to argue or complain. It was about 8:30 by the time we settled into our giant and stately hotel room. My mum ordered room service. I'm still going strong on abstaining from eating after 6:30, so I simply ordered a fancy herbal tea. I checked out the hotel's gym service and made plans to go there first thing in the morning. I knew my mum slept in in the mornings, and I did not. So that would work out well. It was supposed to be a big 1500 square foot gym with 24 hour access. I read my book and fell asleep within the dozens of pillows and blankets surrounding me on my bed.

Saturday:

I woke up at 6:30 am feeling restless. I threw on my clothes, ate a few pieces of fruit that my mum saved from her dessert, grabbed my iphone and earphones and went down to the mezzanine level. The gym was key-card access and completely empty. And big!! I had a great work-out that morning. I stayed for 2 hours and did my upper body strength training and a hella' lot of cardio. They had an excellent row machine, too, and I couldn't resist because I don't get a chance to use those things very often. It was a nice change to be able to do an upper body cardio workout. I did a lot of running, of course. I was starving by the time 8:30 rolled around. My mum was awake and we ordered in breakfast. I think I ordered way too much: oatmeal, egg white omelette with smoked salmon, peppers and mushrooms, and fresh fruit. I tried to eat as much as I could - given that I was starving, but didn't finish everything of course. I decided to order much less the next day. I wasn't expecting so much! We got ready and took the hotel shuttle bus to the AGO for the Egyptian exhibit. I will do a separate write-up of the exhibition later. I'll just say for now that it was good but very, very crowded. It was frustrating for me, having done my undergraduate degree in archaeological sciences with a focus on Near Eastern archaeology, and not being able to reflect on everything I was seeing without elbows in my head and people blocking my view (who didn't even know what they were looking at). Overall, it was really enjoyable to be able to see so much that I have studied. After we exited from that exhibit, we spent the rest of the morning/afternoon touring around the other galleries. I passed through the contemporary galleries with slight indifference, but lingered for a long while in the European and African galleries.

We went for lunch at Joe's Italian Cafe on Baldwin Street. I have heard a lot about it. I went for a proper panini sandwich with salad, as I knew they baked their own panini bread. It was fabulous. I had a taste for smoked salmon from breakfast, so I ordered one with smoked salmon, goat cheese and pesto and tomato. It was amazing. I couldn't even finish it. We took a cab back to the hotel, as my mum was tired and sore (injured shoulder from work). It was only about 4pm by the time we got back. I managed to hook up with an old university friend, so I took off down King Street with a timmy's coffee in hand (brutal headache that day - I blame the crowds at the AGO). I popped into Europe Bound on my way and discovered to my delight, a huge cache of snowshoes for sale. Good deals, too. I resolved to come back at one point. With money. I walked clear over to Spadina and grabbed a passing streetcar. The route I used to take to U of T when I lived off campus. I made the journey up to Spadina Station and walked over to my friend's. We chatted for a few hours and caught up. I took the subway back to King Street and got back into the hotel some time before 9pm. I hadn't had dinner but I wasn't really hungry either. I ended up reading and falling asleep by 10pm while my mum finished a movie.

Sunday:
I woke up at 6am this time, feeling more restless than the last day. I got my workout clothes on, tied my runners, grabbed my iphone and earphones and 3/4 a powerbar that was left in my backpack. I headed down to the gym for another 2 hour workout. I was glad I had the powerbar in my backpack. I needed that little boost to get me through the morning, having an empty tank from the previous night. I did lower body strength training and another round of running, elliptical and row machine. I got back upstairs to our room dying for breakfast. By the time I was out of the shower with my pjs back on, breakfast had arrived. Just oatmeal, fruit and coffee for me today. But they make the best oatmeal in the world, I have to say! We packed up, got dressed, and went to check out around 10 am. My mum drove me to Ajax and dropped me off so that I could pick up Fitty tomorrow morning (today!). I didn't really know what to do with myself. Steph was out for most of the day, so I cleaned up, baked her a banana bread, and did a ton of reading. My friend Rachel gave me a new novel to read. The Hippopotamus Marsh: Lord of the Two Lands: by Pauline Gedge. I have seen this book before. When I was roaming through Chapters at Metrotown in Burnaby, BC before I left...I was hesitant on the series because she's not an Egyptologist or Archaeologist. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just that I am easily annoyed by historical inaccuracies or lack of good research. But Rach was my fellow Egyptologist from U of T. She enjoyed it. I trusted her word. I borrowed the book and also got back my beloved Vol.1 of my Ramses series by Christian Jacq - who IS an Egyptologist. I think I lent the book back in my last year of university! Oye!! I told her I'd get her the rest of the series to borrow now that i was back. I thought Jacq's series was excellent.

Monday:
Anyways....
Hopefully I will hear the official word that Fitty is ready for pick up. Then return home....I applied for a few jobs this morning and had breakfast. I went for a run outside prior to lunch. It was cold but comfortable once I got into the groove of my run (all those layers!). Still waiting to hear about the car....they've got trains ready to off-load but don't know what's on them yet....arghhhh.....FITTY!!!!! I am agitated! I want my precioussssss back.

“Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”

2010-01-29T12:44:00.004-05:00

I had another peculiar and surreal plane crash dream again last night. Well, the plane didn't crash per say, but it was definitely going down. I was actually on this plane. It were as though my dream from the previous night simply continued where it left off. We got into the air and then the engines died. The plane began to nosedive towards land. The weight and force of the drop felt so real. It made a rough landing in a field somewhere. And I opted to take an ocean liner to wherever I was going. Very odd.

I set up my new desktop monitor. My dad had ordered it for his bench in his workshop but gave it to me for some reason. I've been working the hours away lately on learning Adobe Photoshop, InDesign and various other Apple related design programs. It is nice to be able to have two monitors for it...and one big one for a better view of what I'm doing.

I'm driving the XC Volvo to downtown Toronto tonight with my mum. She booked us a VIP package for the King Tut AGO exhibit. I've never really driven my mum's car more than a few times. I rarely drive downtown either. And at night. This should be interesting....I hope the weather is kind and the traffic good. I'm just kidding, the Volvo is super easy to drive...I just have to remember it's not little like Fitty. And speaking of Fitty....he should be here by Monday morning. I hope.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"This IS hammer down"

2010-01-28T16:16:00.001-05:00

I'm loitering in my kitchen, impatiently waiting for my chopped up chicken breast to marinate a bit in teriyaki sauce. I'm already done the vegetables...peppers, mushrooms, broccoli, and zucchini...on spinach for me. I don't do pasta or rice. It'll be good. Last night was a minor sautee of veggies over a spinach salad and chopped up salmon. Mmm food, i can't wait to eat dinner!

I just got back from the gym (ok more specifically, the shower and my room) where I had another good 2 hour session. Today I did my lower body strength training session and 75 minutes of vigorous cardio. As hard as I could between warm
Ups and cool downs. This is the first time I've started the lower body strength training. Wow that burned...And I'm not a HUGE fan of the abductor machine. It just...looks wrong.

I was so sore yesterday that I was told to do nothing. It was hard. I know I'm not an elite athlete or anything, so I can't just hammer out a really hard 2 hour workout or run for 90 minutes and be able to maintain that all week. Yet! It was worth the day off because I felt back to normal and energized for today. In fact, if I didn't have to get back after those 2 hours, I was stoked to keep going for another 40 (though I hadn't bonked yet so maybe it woulda changed!).

It's funny, you know you're an endurance athlete when you feel like you're not done until you've
bonked lol...that's why I don't bring energy drinks or food...or I'd never leave the gym! But...sprinting intervals tomorrow if I can so maybe less happy face.

Ok less talk, more chicky chicky chicken.

1 Hour later.....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"I dreamed last night, I got on the boat to heaven and by some chance I had brought my dice along...and there I stood and I hollered, 'Someone Save me!' - but the passengers knew right from wrong...And the people all said sit'down, sit'down you're rockin' te boat"

2010-01-27T20:40:00.001-05:00

It just fluttered back into my mind...but last night I had the strangest dream. I was waiting around until my flight the next day...to wherever...and there were 3 plane crashes right nearby from our airport. Deaths et al. I saw one of them go down. It was very surreal, and if you don't mind me saying so - quite scary!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"Most challenges can be overcome simply by telling your inner voice to "Shut Up"

2010-01-27T07:11:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was the usual round of affairs, starting at 6:30 am. It was going to be one of my longer gym sessions of the week. I went to the gym for a two hour cardio session of 60 minutes running at 6.8 miles/hour and a 60 minute hilly program on a spin bike.... For the 6.8 m/hr running, remember I'm small with short legs lol. I know I'll have to do all that testing for heart rate stuff at one point. But for now, I just do the best I can with whatever exercise I'm doing. I do admit that my upper body was sore all over from the strength training the day before, having not kept up with that...plus I haven't done strength training at a proper gym in a long time. I decided to definitely get a gym membership when I got back to Ajax. I always notice such a difference in fitness, power and leanness when I add weights to my cardio. And all trainers say that. And everyone agrees. So there we go! I made it right to the end of the 2 hours, but I was definitely feeling zapped by the last 15 minutes. I was just relieved that the last 15 minutes was a cool-down, so that was lucky.

Not much else. I took my dog for a few walks in the park and I noticed that the day got progressively colder as it went on. Light snow began to fall by dinner. I got a ton of my work done. I heard some interesting leads on some jobs that I might interview for. I helped my dad with loading the car with stuff. Started a new blog for something else. And then called it a night with my grampy's new DVD set of the HBO series, Rome. Which I've seen....ages ago. I barely remember it. I love it. Watched some of that from 9-10pm and hit the hay around 10:30.

It's about 7am right now and it's slowly starting to get lighter outside...I see fresh snow on the ground! I've got a stack of things to do today. I'm probably going to go to the gym, but I'm undecided what to work on. I was going to do a lower body strength training session. But I need to chat with someone about that.

"But it feels so good doing all the wrong things." - Me

2010-01-25T19:42:00.003-05:00

The rain continued to fall for the rest of the day yesterday, turning the glistening white snowy background outside into a dull grey soup of blah. My day, however, was far from blah! I managed to get in four new job applications by dinner time. I successfully avoided the boxes of Tim Horton's donuts and timbits that my dad brought home that morning (why oh why!!!), but fell prey to a multigrain bagel. I had that at lunch with lettuce and red peppers and lactose free-fat-free-everything-free cheese. And then afterwards, I felt weird about having a bagel without working out that day.

Note: You might think I'm a little OCD with my eating habits. Well, I am! Back in the summer, I vowed to change my eating habits....I seriously used to just eat cereal and peanut butter toast and some fruit for all of my meals. Yikers... and I like writing about it for my own personal intrigue so that one day, I can look back and see the changes. ........... Ya' didn't honestly think that I wrote this blog for an audience, did ya?

Anyway, I went grocery shopping with my dad that afternoon to Sunripe. Before I asked him if doggie could come with us, doggie was already walking past us out the door and into the garage to the car. He just expects it. So he sat in the back of the car as I ran in to get all of the vegetables and fruits that my heart could desire. I had to stop off at the gargantuan monstrosity that is now Shopper's Drug Mart in order to grab a few lacking necessities at my house, including 1-3 minute cook oats, yogurt, soy milk (no Almond milk boo!) and mint tea.
We picked up Swiss Chalet for dinner and headed home. I just had a chicken breast with salad. And some yogurt with berries at 6:30 pm!

Which is another note, my "No Eating after 6:30 pm" is turning out to be a success. Once you get used to the rumble in your belly around 10 pm, it's not so bad. Going to sleep hungry definitely is not the greatest but, I can think of worst things. In fact, I can think of more positive things about it. I wake up early. I'm not inclined to want to doze through the morning at all. I get up at 6:30am on my own accord because I wake up hungry for breakfast! And now I have everything in the right order: I'm starving at breakfast and thus I eat the most at this meal. I eat the least at night! Uhh, OK, enough about food.

I've researched the career of Editor and I've decided that this is another career path that I will pursue at current. There seems to be a fair number of contracts available. Most of my employment history has encompassed reviewing and editing reports, proposals, and various other document forms. And to be honest, I enjoy it. Writing is a passion that has gone the way of the dustbin over the years of "working". It is something I enjoy and inside WANT to improve and develop. Anyways, thus and therefore, I have been working on numerous job applications for positions of such. So after I sorted all of that out yesterday, I worked on a few other little projects. I pulled out my violin and went through my 3 foot stack of sheet music. I decided to go to my old music school this week to get it tuned up and the bow looked at. I started a small painting, also. I received a little acrylic paint set last Christmas and meant to give it a go. I've never used acrylic before and I certainly haven't held a paintbrush since I was 12...but I am resolved to develop old talents that I let die over the years. Talents I let die so that my career in science would live. 2010 is the year of doing things right again. The painting is only 35% finished - if I can create some unsupported claim to a number. I'm working on it layer by layer. It's only in its beginning stages. I had to step away from it last night before I ruined it. It's only got a few layers on it right now.

After that, I worked on my novel a bit. I did a little reading. A little channel surfing. I watched a newer episode of Stargate Atlantis. When I was in highschool and university, I used to love the Stargate series. It's so campy. But I'm pretty sure I knew that. I preferred the original Stargate series, only because they blatantly would parody Sci Fi in all its facets. Hah, I love parody. Speaking of parody - did I even give a review of that disaster of a novel I finished reading? "And Another Thing" by Eoin Coifer? Yeah...well....I'm not quite sure how anyone was allowed to continue Douglas Adams' series after his death. Like the man himself, his writing style was unique. His thought process was unhindered and free-flowing without filter or restriction. Whatever came off the top of his head, was truly off the top of his head! I felt that "And Another Thing" was too forced. And when it didn't feel forced, the attempt at zany off-the-cuff Adams' style humour fell short. The author tried too hard (and who wouldn't??). But there can't be any 'trying'. Adams was one of a kind. It's impressive that someone even tried to continue with the Hitchhiker saga... but in my opinion...it should have been left alone.

I stayed up to nearly 11pm and prayed that I'd fall asleep quickly when I finally hit the sack - so that breakfast would arrive even faster. I got up at 6:30 in joyous delight at a bowl of oatmeal with fruit. Three cups of coffee later before I had finished more job appy work. I took the dog for a long walk, grabbed an apple and took my mum's Volvo XC to Sharkey's Athletic Club on London Line. I got a week membership to account for the time I'll be here. It was a little busier than I was expecting before lunchtime. I decided to go earlier next time. I got an upper body strength training session in and then went running on a treadmill for 40 minutes. Generally, I despise working out with other people around me. I like working out alone. I don't need anyone around me when I work out because it's a personal private thing to me. It's my time! But maybe that stems from being fat as a kid. I started losing the weight when I was 13 by walking in the private of my own home on an old treadmill we had. I didn't want anyone to see me. But, that's a little far away from the person that I am today, as I was givin' er on the treadmill! Nobody could maintain their pace and time near me. I outlasted them all, mwahahha!.....Sooo......maybe in a way, me going to a gym in the off season is a good thing. I start to feel all competitive and self conscious that I'm not working hard enough if I stop before other people do. Oh well. Whatever! Whatever blows my hair back. I'd still rather run alone!

Lunch around 1:30 pm consisted of the last remaining evil multigrain bagel from Tim Hortons that I use once again for a veggie sandwich. Oh wait, no, it wasn't strictly veggie. I put a slice of roasted turkey on it - now that I had food from Sunripe!! I tried a very small bowl of Borsch that my nana had made. And I actually liked it!! I watched a movie with my nana for the afternoon that was on On Demand. St. Trinians. It had 2 English actors that she quite fancies, so I figured it must be good for a laugh. It was a bit of a weird one, but enjoyable. I spent the rest of the afternoon puttering around on job stuff again and walking the dog to the mailbox unit thing down the street. I'm stalking for more acceptance letters....Apparently U of Nottingham offers fee discounts for Canadians...and members of family that went to U of Notts...which might be possible as my whole family on my mum's side are from Nottingham.

Ran down for dinner around 5:30 for more leftover Chicken with veggie salad and had a yogurt with berries after to tied me over for the night. 6:30pm had struck! ha ha. Not too much else new beyond turning down a job interview. Well, I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to. It's my 2nd interview with an environmental company. I'm taking a stand. I want nothing to do with it. I need to pursue another career before its too late. I need to stop repeating the same cycle over and over. They can't have me. They won't take me alive! I will starve to death before I do this to myself again. GAME OVER! And it felt so good. Hence my blog post title....I feel so good doing all the wrong things, sometimes. Wrong to the rest of society. So good, to me. I want change - so bring it on! I'm working on it!

"It's just a ride, it's just a ride Don't be scared Don't hide your eyes It may feel so real inside But don't forget it's just a ride Slowly, oh so very slowly Except that There's no getting off So live it, just gotta go with it Coz this ride's, never gonna stop"

2010-01-24T10:56:00.000-05:00

I feel super today!

I went for a run outside yesterday before lunch for an hour. It was windier and chillier than I had anticipated on the way back on the waterfront trail, but I got through it. I plotted out the rest of my day and made myself a lunch of egg on 1 piece of multigrain toast with tomato and lettuce and slices of half an orange and a yogurt cup with some whey protein mixed in. And coffee. And water. I grabbed a shower, finished organizing my room to the way I like it, finished and folded laundry, packed a light bag of clothes and my laptop in my backpack and went to wait for the bus to the GO Train. Yep, reallllyyy missing Fitty right now. And then I realized not more than a few minutes into waiting for the bus that I screwed up the timing and would never make the GO train in time. So I called a cab. $20 dollars later (grrr!!!), I got to the GO train and was on my way to Union Station.

Union was bustling with people. I've never really taken a train on a Saturday afternoon, so I wasn't sure if that was normal or not. But it seemed like there was a hockey game on that night. I tried to grab some things for the train ride, as it was only 4:30pm and I had a train departure at 5:40 pm and an arrival time at 10:00pm (I could have been home by 6:30 pm with Fitty by the time I had walked out of my house!!). I bought an apple, banana and a small grilled chicken sub from Mr. Sub. I picked up an American Scientist magazine for the long ride back.

I had a nice train ride. It wasn't a very busy train. I had a university girl sit next to me for only 1/2 the trip. Lots of uni kids around Guelph and Kitchener. I used to be one of them. Now I just felt old. Now I had already worked in the corporate world. Boo I missed university days sometimes. All they had to worry about was reading books and writing papers. My reflection in the window felt as weird as the library reflection at U of T last week. I had this eerie moment where I felt excited to one day have children go off to university to live their ideas and dreams. Ahh!

Anyways, being home is nice. I took my big dog for a walk for an hour. It started to rain. Boo! I sort of asked my parents and grandparents to stop feeding him treats....He's getting so plumpy!!!!!!! My dad denied it, lol.

I applied to some jobs already. Had a few cups of coffee. Got some ideas for the rest of the day....I will also get a week membership to a gym here, keep things up...and stufff.....

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

2010-01-23T08:26:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel as though I'm going to be dead by next year. I say that because that's the way my pressed anxious forward-thinking nature acts sometimes. It's not conscious. It's just a feeling. It's the 'swords at the ready and charge!' part of my character that gets things done at a fast pace. But it struggles in the light of long-term goals. My 5-year plan, like I said, was to be in the Durham Region for good, still racing (and winning maybe by then?? lol), in the works of buying a condo/house on the water in Ajax/Whitby, a cottage in the Kawarthas, have my own dog, meet the right guy (in my opinion, I'd sort of want to be long-term with that person before the whole marriage and kids thing - that takes time...a lot of time....no time to waste on duds!) and finally, obtain my MA and PhD in that time (more of a personal interest). So with that re-capped, it's pretty clear I can't do that all within this year alone. But I feel that way sometimes. Like time's running out and I've got the gun to my head. I know I made the right decision for me and I knew the risks, but god damn I wish I didn't have to feel so anxious about it sometimes. But keeping external pressures where they belong - external - helps a lot. And logic. My emotional high for this stuff has its place. I work hard and get the things I want quickly, but if you're not careful, you can let the emotional high destroy you. It's like a freight train pumping through the blood of my body and brain and you have to let it do its thing but keep a logical outside stance on it. Now I probably seem like I have demons or that I'm a schitzo'...great. HAHA! I'm not, I just have a mind that moves a billion miles a second. And you learn to deal.

But for instance, I feel like I've been back in Durham for a month. But I haven't been back for a month at all. In fact I've only been back for a week! I've already had a job interview by phone (yesterday) for a position I'm "meh" about, but grateful for anyways. It was mainly a contaminated sites job. I'm really done with environmental consulting if I can find a job that carries on where I left off with my Beemer corporate job from last year. But if not, I'll do what i have to do. I just don't want to shoot myself in the foot and take something that will make me unhappy. However, The main priority is to carry on with where my salary left off and work where I want to live. Bottom line. Like my dad said, clear the balance sheet and get yourself where you want to be, and then make the next move. So what's the next move? The hard part is aspects of my 5-year plan. My MA and PhD are not things you can sit on for too long. The further you get away from it, the harder it will be to go back. Yet I want other things just as much. I was just offered an interview for my teacher college application at UOIT the other day. I'm going to go. I think being a school teacher still offers the career lifestyle and variation and challenge that someone like me needs. I need learning and education to be aspects of my job. I like the variation in challenge with the kids. It's a routine job with a lot of variation. It's the perfect paradox. It's only a 1-year program and then I'll have a teaching credential. I have a lot of other job skills and credentials to tied me over while I look for that full time job and subbing would work fine for me. At any rate, it's on the forefront of my mind. But now I'm hoping that perhaps I can get into the part-time program at Trent now so that I can keep working. But I'm setting aside any acceptances I get for now. I need to focus on the first steps of my goal right now. I may have to defer things for a year before I can venture. Maybe.

So yes, I'm not going to die next year (well I hope not!) but how to cram everything I want to do in the right order...that is the question. It's a question of money and time, too. I honestly feel like I've wasted the last 3 years but I know I haven't. You can't find a career that makes you happy if you don't try your options. Nothing ventured, nothing gained? And I'm picky. I need my mind to feel challenged. I need to feel passion. I need to go to my job and feel that WHAT I'm trying to do interests me and engages me. Work will obviously never be a platter of joy. Work is called work for a reason. But you have to care about why and what you're doing. OK - you DON'T. But I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, so yes, I - me, myself and I, - do! So yes, the clock of time is loud in my mind.

But like Steph always says to me, "When you want something, you'll just make it happen."

The cottage the other day was a bit chilly but bright with sunshine. Once I got re-accustomed to the cold, it was really lovely. I went on a few walks and went tramping through the woods in deep snow. I sat on the point island facing the water where the sun shone all over me. Thinking a lot. Trying to clear my mind a lot. Steph made huge headway on renovations inside. She had an entire wall painted by the end of the day yesterday. It looked great. I couldn't believe how much it made a difference. I watched her carefully as she worked away (offering any help I could , but honestly, it's her little project world) so that I had ideas when it came to be my turn with my own cottage.
I also worked on my own writings for a while and finished that damn, "And Another Thing" novel. I chucked the novel back into my backpack, glad to be done with it.
We got back late at night on Friday and I enjoyed a hot shower and a cup of mint tea before bed at 11pm. I got up this morning when some light poured into my room from the window and I've been having a quiet morning so far. I've got a few windows up on job postings that I will apply for. I've got www.mls.ca and cottage sale websites up because I'm dreaming. I've got VIA rail website up because I'm thinking of going home for a week while I wait for Fitty to arrive (oh god I miss him so much!!) And I've got a cup of coffee in hand with another bright blue sunny day shining down over me.

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. "

2010-01-21T10:57:00.001-05:00

Time is short. Not much time to post. But I'm off to Steph's cottage in Coboconk again in a few minutes. It's a gorgeous sunny day here in Durham Region. I finished my time off in downtown Toronto yesterday and took the GO train and bus all the way to Trent University in Peterborough to personally hand in a job application (in addition to the electronic one I sent). That's how much I wanted the job. I also meant to drop off some of my grad school supporting documents but I was missing a few pages I wanted. I decided to edit my writing sample again anyways, so I'll leave it until next week for courier - as I'm still a week away from the deadline. I do admit, the campus was beautiful. And everybody was so friendly and nice there. It was cute and cozy and I think I'd seriously accept an offer to do my masters there! And Trent U fits into my 5-year plan!! :p Right near the Kawartha's and Ajax/Whitby area. Anyway - I didn't get back into Ajax until about 5:30 pm. At this point, I was REALLY missing Fitty. I got an email today saying that yes, he was en-route but email back on Monday for an update status. Steph was working and I felt so retarded having no way back home. I refused to take any more public transit and I didn't want to call anyone. I miss my little blue Fitty. He is my best friend and I like doing things on my own with him. So.....I did what Laura does best. I just walked 8 km home in the biting winter cold. My face was partially frozen when I finally got to the house. I dropped all of my bags on the floor in happy relief!! I was glad to spend the night on the couch after that.
Today I went for a run, applied for 4 more jobs, received an acceptance letter to the University of Nottingham for my Masters, and got my things ready for the cottage. To which we are now about to leave for! I've got my laptop (for writing - no internet!) and book and warm clothes and off we go!!

“A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.”

2010-01-19T15:49:00.000-05:00

The day of my flight back to Ontario finally arrived on Saturday morning. I was so anxious about getting to the airport on-time that I woke up every half an hour from 2am onwards. Christine's alarm ended up going off 25 minutes before my alarm was even set to ring, so that worked out great and made my worrying quite unnecessary. I told her we'd just leave earlier instead of waiting. Which was good because we took our time getting there. It took a lot out of us to lug my giant and heavy jr. hockey bags to her car. We both had to grab a handle and walk together with them. I was going to get dinged with an overweight charge for sure - it wasn't looking in my favour at all. And we also stopped at Tim Hortons on Lougheed Hwy before we turned off on Boundary Rd. Peanut butter 12 grain bagel and coffee for me. It worked out better this way, as I usually grabbed my coffee after check-in and security and then paid for it a few hours later on the flight when I had to pee like a racehorse and was crammed in my window seat stuck for the 4 hour duration (cough *last flight *cough*).

So, I got to the airport at exactly the time I intended: 6:30 am.
I don't even know if anyone was flying that day because there was nobody in line for check-in/baggage or at security. I went right up to an empty security check-point. That was nice! I spent the next hour wandering around the terminal stretching my legs. I was pretty impressed with the new section of terminal that they finally finished and the increased selection of places to eat. I bought a water, and a banana and an apple to go with my half-finished bagel. My flight was on one of those new planes again, so it was a pretty comfortable flight back. I read for a bit and drifted in and out of sleep. I'm trying to read this new book my brother got me for Christmas, "And Another Thing" by Eoin Coifer. It's supposed to be the continuation of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams - which if anyone knows me, is my favourite novel. Me and my brother both enjoy this sort of writing. But...So far...not so good. I don't think anyone can capture the way Douglas Adams wrote. So far, he seems to be trying... but is coming off more annoying than anything.

I waited around at the airport with some more Timmy's (Boo a carb day!) waiting for my pick-up. I stood outside for a while, trying to get used to the cold...which wasn't even cold by Ontario January standards. I kept my hands shoved in my pockets and resolved to buy gloves and a hat at some point in the very near future. Me and Steph drove back to Ajax chatting away. I was almost overcome with this intense surge of happiness at being home. Everything felt right. I felt that this was the beginning of the end, so to speak. That I was where I wanted to be.

We already had an adventure planned out for my arrival - Steph just got her name on the title to her new inherited (but paid for!) cottage! Her grandmother's old little cottage in Coboconk. We lugged all of my stuff inside and then dashed off to the grocery store to pick up some things and then got back home to make dinner and grab showers and pack. I think we were on the road by about 8:45 pm. I was coming off of an earlier time zone so I didn't feel too tired - as flights usually make me. We made a few more stops along the way and got near to Coby around 10:30pm. The countryside was pitch-black and white snow gleamed on the grass and trees and cottages. But we had tunes going and lots of laughs goings. But I reckon I must have been getting a little tired by the time we arrived because on our final dirt road....I was all glazed over and munching cereal from a box like popcorn, and staring out the window like I was watching a movie as Steph slowly drove us almost into a snowbank as she slowed down to reply to a text message. HAH, maybe that's why it's law. We're quite the pair, the two of us!

So, it was 2 women in the winter frontier! We didn't need any guys, hah! We drew our hats and coats close together and plowed the Truck right into the snowy driveway of her new cottage (that I resolved to shovel later) and marched across ankle deep snow to get to a little dark brown cottage beyond the trees. Within minutes, we had flashlights working and then a breaker turned on and then lights and a fire and spaceheaters to follow. It took a while for things to get heated up, so I headed back outside with a shovel to clear a path to the truck. It warmed me up and made me feel better after eating god knows how much of that cereal on the drive up.

I took off my coat but left on my hat, my snowpants, layers of sweaters and downy vest. We turned on the radio and relaxed by the fire in recliney chairs with cups of tea and before we knew it, it was well past midnight. Steph's little dog Riley growled at us with tired grumpiness. I don't even remember going to bed, but I eventually turned one of the space heaters into my room and crawled under the layers of blankets shivering for warmth. I eventually drifted off into a deep sleep and only woke up once at the sound of Steph ripping up newspaper to rekindle the fire.

We roughed it out for the next day and had a great time. There was no running water and heat was bare minimum. We had electricity, though. So we had an excellent morning of hot coffee and oatmeal for breakfast and then made our way outside to do some work. It was actually fairly mild outside, all considering. I didn't even bother with my coat. I lost my hat along the way and only wore my 8 Hour headband. I reached my goal by about 3pm of shoveling the entire driveway. I spent the rest of the afternoon on a winter walk with Steph and Riley as she gave me a tour through her area. I think somewhere in between breakfast and dinner, I established a clear picture in my mind of what my goals were for the next 5 years.

Here I am, back where I want to be. I do not want to move again and I am the happiest in the Durham region. This is where I want to settle. I was somewhat sure last year, but now after having gone away once more and come back, I am more than certain. I'm beyond certain! My life was here. My friends, my roots, my geographic area, my social circle, my mountain bike race scene, and my community. Everything I wanted and needed was here. The rest was just getting on a plane for extra travel trips. So - my five year plan has been in the works for a while. Now it's become much more solidified in my mind.

1) Work for a university
2) Finish my Masters and go for my PhD
3) Pay my car off (it's paid off in 1.5 more years!)
4) Buy Property
5) Finish writing one of my books
6) Get a dog of my own (St. Bernard!)

That is the gist of it. My hopes is to work near Durham and my idea is to buy a cottage first in the Kawartha's and use it as a rental vacation property for extra income, in addition to my residence (and the rest of the time, like winter, rent my room at Steph's in Ajax). Then when I've got more disposable income, buy a condo or a small house in Whitby/Ajax.

It's all possible and doable. And everyone knows how I am when I have a laser-focused goal.

I'd also like to finally announce that I have applied for my Masters at the University of Toronto and Trent University now. And also Oxford University (hey, you never know! but don't worry, I'll only be away from October-June).

Either way, I've got an indefinite smile on my face and I feel really good. I feel right for once.

We had dinner later that night with Steph's parents who made the drive up to their cottage (which is next door!) and we had a great night all together chatting away and warming up by the fire. Her dad commented on the shoveled driveway and that it was good to have an athlete as a friend! I thought that 3 hours went by rather quickly , but I was looking for a good workout and shoveling snow for 3 hours seemed like it just do the trick!

We got back to Ajax the next day around noon. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a nice hot shower like that in a long time. A) Because it was hot B) Because I hadn't showered for a few days up in our frontier adventure! I felt pretty tired but too happy to stop moving. I got my things organized and packed a backpack to head to downtown Toronto. I took the GO train and walked all the way to my aunt's - 10km away from Union Station. I also did that for the purpose of exercise too. I was babysitting my 2 little cousins while my aunt finally had a night out to herself!
We caught up as she got ready and I hung out with the 2 boys until their bedtime. I got up with them at 6am the next day and was out the door by around 8am, with my laptop and hockey skates all stuffed into my backpack. I walked briskly to U of T and spent the remainder of the day working on job applications. I'm supposed to meet my friend Dave tonight to go skating. It was supposed to be earlier, but now he can't until 8pm. I'm already starting to fade. I'm feeling the grumble in my stomach for dinner but I don't know what I want. I had a lot of oatmeal with a banana for breakfast at 6am to keep me going through the day....and it worked as I had only an apple, granola bar and handful of almonds for lunch....oh and coffee..... I'm going to see how much the caf in Robarts Library has changed since my undergrad :p I see there is a Subway now! Damn that woulda been great back in the day!

I was just thinking about that on my walk to the library today....about my undergrad....I love U of T...I always feel so at home on campus here and yet...wow...I started my undergrad degree 8 years ago. I can't even believe 8 years have even gone by...and yet I can when I look up at the mirror in the washroom in the library to see not my young 19 year old face, but my aging 25 year old face. The face that is 5-years away from 30. Not that I really look old anyways, but still....it's not the face I'd see in the library mirror 8 years ago. Wow, 8 years! And my return to do my Masters and PhD was 8 years in the making!

I'm taking the GO train and bus tomorrow to Trent University to hand in a few documents in person. I'm excited. It will be a day-long adventure. Except, I wish I had my Fitty here instead to do it. But the train and bus will be OK!
Speaking of Fitty, I haven't heard back yet whether or not he is finally on the train and en route to Toronto. I'm getting annoyed. I want my Fitty back! I feel so naked and weird without my little blue buddy with wheels.
Can you imagine??? In 1.5 years, I'll have Fitty paid off! I'll have paid off a $24,000 car!! What an acomplishment!! I was also thinking about everything I had accomplished since my days as a confused and innocent little undergrad wandering the campus....good jobs, my driver's license (holy moly that took me until I graduated to get), a brand new car, living and working in 2 different provinces, countless road trips and adventures....I think I've done pretty well for myself! And all for this. For discovering who I am and what I want in life and where I want to be in the world. Right here. (Of course, I plan to travel often on vacation!!!).

I think I've babbled enough. What else is new...Oh, I'm going back to Coboconk and the cottage on Thursday. I plan to bring my laptop to work on my writings there (no internet, it's great!!!!). I feel so great in cottage country.

God I love it here!!

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve....I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT. I regret to announce that – though, as I said, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to spend among you – this is the END. I am going. I am leaving now. GOOD-BYE!"

2010-01-15T22:21:00.004-05:00

I'm pretty much lying on the floor with my laptop right now.... Staring at my pile of crap in the other room that is strewn everywhere. I have to finish packing, but I'm struggling to get it all in 2 bags. Not to mention, I had more than 2 bags that I wanted to take back. I'm not sure how I want to go about this. And then there's that bike trainer sitting on the floor over there that didn't fit in my bike box that I shipped...that's worth more than half of my clothes...maybe I should throw some stuff out...though I already have a full bag of stuff I decided to get rid of. I'm cleaning house...I NEED to stop moving. This is the last time. It was for good reasons, but it's the last time.....How many times have I said that?

The rain fell heavily on the North Shore over the last few days. Last night, I managed to get Amber's condo cleaned up and get my things packed there and went to bed early. Sleep was so heavy on me. But yet I drifted in and out of sleep all night listening to the rain pound against the window. I roused around 5:30 again and took Toro outside, pulling on my rain pants and coat. I stood out there waiting for him for what seemed like an eternity, shivering in the quiet darkness of the morning with the cold rain pouring down over me and dripping down my face. I was starving. I went over the details of the day over breakfast. The usual plain oatmeal, sliced banana and cinnamon - never get sick of it! I quickly finished packing up and then got Toro's things together. We were off to Amber's friends by about 8am. It was just pissing outside without relent. It was merciless. I could barely see the road as I drove up to Pemberton Heights. Once Toro was gone, I had a check-list going in my head. 1 down...

I got to work and got through the last 3 hours. I felt weird leaving. I felt even weirder that they got me a cake and everything. I dunno. I didn't think I was worth any of that. But once it was over, it was over. The long anticipation of the week gone. I walked across the parking lot with the dark rain clouds parting in the sky. It was very odd timing. I got back and went for a run. I needed it. I quickly showered and threw my bags into Fitty and was off for the last few items on my check list. First, I stopped off at Subway for dinner for later.

I got to Burnaby and chucked all of my things into my other place. I emptied my car in entirety. Stuff in the gloveboxes - everything. You can't leave anything in your car for shipping. I felt almost angry as I made the drive down to Annacis Island. I didn't want to ship Fitty. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to just drive back. I almost turned around to get my stuff to just cross the border and keep driving but...I couldn't...the road conditions could change across the country..it was January. It wasn't worth the risk. I haven't got loads of winter driving experience, not through mountains and such. Anyway....I got Fitty there and said goodbye. And then like a shmuck, I took the bus and skytrain to Metrotown to wait for my roomate to pick me up. I wandered around a bit and found myself in CHapters for most of my duration there. I spent too much money on a stupid Skinny Cinnamon Something SOmething latte. Oh well. I was cold. I got back around 6pm when it was all said and done.

And now I'm doing laundry, finishing Subway dinner, and avoiding finishing the last of the dreadfulness that is packing......

....OK a few hours later....

I'm done packing. It was a disaster. I had to put my bike trainer in my junior hockey bag and then pack clothes around it. Now it's super heavy. Now they're probably going to charge me the overweight fee at Air Canada. Bastards!!! But its the one thing I use like it was a religion. I have to bring it. There's a whole pile of old clothes and crap that didn't make just so it could.

I'm really tired now and my muscles are aching. Which is funny. Every time I have to do a lot of packing, my muscles are tiredly sore after. Must be all that bending and stooping and stuff. I'm 10.5 hours left from take-off now....

I guess nothing is really going through my mind of substance right now. Except the lingering question in the back of my head: what am I gonna do about myself? I make myself shake my own head. I sure hope whatever subconscious drive that is leading me forward these days knows what it's doing. Because my world is just....becoming confusing. I'm hoping that by spring, things will become....clear....it depends on a few things.

“Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today.”

2010-01-13T10:43:00.001-05:00

Really busy right now. Except at work. Days are dragging slower than usual. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it doesn't take me long to start and finish anything and 8 hours is a long time....

I am now on a new mountain bike team for 2010. It came out of nowhere. But it all just fell into place, and to be honest, I think it will be great. Angry Johnny's-Cyclesolutions! It is a big team. I was set on racing individual but...I couldn't turn this down....I mean....the reason that I love being on a team in the first place is for the family-like atmosphere that comes along with it for races. So now I have tons of people to cheer and support for/with at the races. I'm really looking forward to that. I couldn't say no to being a part of that. Also, the team colours for the kit match with my bike. So does the affiliated bike shop, as I ride Giant.

Speaking of bike - I shipped my bike home today. I sure hope it arrives OK.....

2.5 more days.....

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.”

2010-01-11T09:23:00.001-05:00

I don't think I slept a wink last night, save an hour or two. My alarm was set for 5:30 so I could stop at the office to get my gear and head to site out in Vancouver. Of course it's piss-pouring out there. The animals kept me up all night. Pacing and crashing. The cat threw up on the floor at 5. This is why I like big dogs. You take them for their walks and they're tired. And they sleep.

I managed to get in a 40 minute run, and everything packed back in Burnaby and get back to North Van to get my xc bike into a bike box, courtesy of the great people at Cove Bike http://www.covebike.com
My friend Dennis helped me out and we carried it back to Fitty, where I was relieved to see that it fit perfectly flat in the back. There was more room in the bike box, so I decided to wait before shipping until I could run back to Burnaby to cram all my bike gear into it. It would save me a lot of luggage space for my flight.

We went up to a Sushi place at the top of Lonsdale. I kinda didn't want to go earlier in the day. I was having a pretty down day. But I'm glad we did. It was sort of my goodbye to one of closer friends in North Van who I am sad to leave....We always have good conversation. And he always listens to me blather on and never seems phased by it. Plus I still hadn't had sushi yet on the West Coast and I won't eat it anywhere else in Canada.

After that, I dropped Dennis off back home and went back to take the dog for a short walk. The rest of the night, I worked on applications and folding laundry. Nothing too exciting.

Okay....it's Monday....here we go..............home stretch now.

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed."

2010-01-10T11:58:00.002-05:00

2010 is going to have to be a fresh slate in absolutely everything, I think. New perspectives, new goals, new work, new team, and new strength. There have been a lot of drastic changes that have occurred in my life prior to the close of 2009. Many of them unfortunate. But all that means is to stand back up, and take a different road. And not let people and circumstances get the best of you.

With less than a week left before my flight, I feel like I'm in limbo. Being torn between two frames' of mind. I have a week left of work and I know I need to focus. We have a big project this week involving attic space inspections. I just want it to be over so I can get on with going home already. It's the anticipation of what's coming, you see. I've been feeling anxious all last week. A lot of emotions running high inside of me. I've also been trying to focus this destructive energy on to my workouts. It's 2010 now, 3 months from the start of the first race of the season - so I've decided to increase my training and make some more changes immediately - before I even get home. This treadmill at my friend's is really excellent. I've been working pretty hard on the bike trainer for the last while and you know what they say, if you do too much of one thing then your body's muscles just get used to it. I've been increasing the speed of running every day and adding sprinting-like intervals to boot. I've been more consistent about my upper body strength training too, with a pair of 10lb free weights. I'm still fine-tuning that, though, as I'm not sure I have the reps/sets the way I should.

By yesterday morning, I woke up at 7 am feeling slightly burned out. Today I felt anxious. Pressured. Overwhelmed. I decided to take one day to just relax. I had my usual plain oatmeal and banana breakfast and ground up some coffee. I'm also running to the bottom of the bag of that Caramelo coffee - boo! I noticed upon taking the dog out first thing that it was mild outside and not yet raining - though the skies threatened it. So I threw on my rain pants and jacket and took the dog for a 45 minute walk through Lower Lonsdale. I do love looking at downtown Vancouver from across the water. It is quite a sight.

I got back and ran on the treadmill for 90 minutes, increasing my speed a bit more this time. It felt so good. I started cramping a bit mid-way but I walked it off. The last 30 minutes were hard but I pushed on. I hoped the "wanting to throw up" feeling afterwards was indication of a good workout because oh man. I also think my knees ended our friendship that time ha ha.

I didn't do a whole lot of anything else. I made some plans for tomorrow for going back to Burnaby to pack my things. I didn't really need to do anything today per say. The plan was to stop off at the Canadian Tire to get a cheap hockey bag for my clothes, get back to Burnaby and do some laundry, and pack everything quickly (I don't own anything but my clothes and a few books - that helps). The next step was to bring my mountain bike back with me to North Van and stop in at Cove Bikes on my way as my friend there had a bike box for me. I'd get that all packed up and get it out for shipping. The only other issue is my bike trainer. I hope that I can cram it in my luggage :s

Last night was pretty crummy. I had an emotional argument with someone and I realized, after walking away in tears, that I could no longer be on my mountain bike team. It was not fair to me. There were now 2 people on that team who have hurt me. And I don't even think either of them care. It's no skin off of their back and so they can't see why I wouldn't want to be on a team with them. But that's exactly the point - I did care. They did not. I feel used. More than that, I feel stupid and naive for getting involved with someone on my own team. If this was the case, things should have been ended a long time ago. Like, last summer. Not after all of this. I shouldn't have to drag it out of someone months after the fact.

And especially after hearing the words that were coming out of that particular individual's mouth - I shouldn't have to be around negative people that say negative things to me and about me. Or that are dishonest with me. I've already had enough of that over the years. I know I did nothing wrong. I know there's nothing wrong with me. I did the absolute best I could. I tried to be the best person I could. I can't control other people. I can't be held responsibility for their own issues, problems and insecurities. I just have to keep reminding myself of that because I'm starting to think that I should just stay single forever. Geezus, I'm happier alone!

I remember last summer, I was resolved to remain single. I didn't want to get involved with anyone. I kept my distance. I learned quickly and started to avoided guys that wanted to start mountain biking with me alone and just tried to stay aloof. Then of course, someone on my team starts pushing and pushing and pushing. And for god sakes, I let it go on for months - you'd think at that point, they had been around me enough to see who I was. So I opened up. And I tried to give someone a chance. Wrong. What a lesson learned. Why did I even bother? I wish I hadn't.

I was told that it's me - that it's not everyone else, it's me that's the problem. That I give off this 'i'm all about mountain biking' attitude and that's what they're sold on and then they see the real me, and there's a lot more to do it - that I'm too much - like for example all the "nerd-like" quality aspects, I think that was what was said. Wtf is that? Sorry I have a depth of interests? The thing that gets me is that, I don't pretend who I am. All you have to do is take the time to pay attention - because I'm pretty clear about who I am. Take an immediate interest. Read what I write. Take an interest in what I'm doing and saying. Look at something as simple as My Info in facebook when you add me. Talk to me. It's not that hard. People get carried away and they never look at the whole picture. They don't think things through. It's short-sighted.

You know what the problem is? No, it's NOT me. I'm not playing into that emotional mind-bending bullshit again. Because like I said, I'm open. It's that people get sold on this idea of me in the beginning. They think maybe (I don't know!) wow, that girl seems different and exciting. She has a lot of interests and she's energetic - whatever it may be. Things I've heard people say. They also see that I'm distant and aloof and they think, maybe?, I'm assuming, that I'd be perfect for a casual relationship. SURE - I am very much to myself, but why do you think I'd want a casual relationship where both parties involved don't really care about each other? We might as well not date then - there's the door. Leave. Because if that's the case, I'd rather be on my own. I don't need another whiney guy in my life who's just looking for someone to entertain him while he's bored and avoiding his own problems. And then, in the end, they realize that I'm a real person and not a DVD rental they can watch and then return. They realize they can't keep up to me. Whether they'll admit that or not. Not because they "can't", per say, but because - they didn't want this in the first place! They want what everyone else is. And it's not me. And then I feel hurt because I'm left, in the end, alone again after once more wasting time and emotion on someone that I thought really liked me and could rise to the challenge. But they were in it for the wrong reasons. They were in it for non-genuine reasons with non-genuine feelings. While the whole time, I'm making the effort with genuine reasons and genuine feelings...for nothing. I'm not a DVD rental. I'm a human being. Save me the trouble - DON'T be interested in me. Just leave me alone!

Because yes, probably nobody is right for me and I am too much - so just leave me alone from the get go! I'm unpredictable. I have way too much energy. I have way too many interests. I DON'T want to spend time sitting around on the couch. No, I don't care about TV shows or movies or music. I watch and listen - but I have more interesting things to think about! I DON'T care about talking about other people. I don't give a care for drinking. I'm not even interested in formal dating. I'm strange and quirky and I think a lot. I talk a lot sometimes and I've got a billion things going on in my head and in my life all at the same time. I've got a lot of goals, projects and ideas. But at the same time, I'm still there 100% for the person I'm with. Because it's a two-way street. And if you don't want to walk the two-way street, then get out! And like I said, if you're not interested in that reciprocal relationship, why are you even in one? Because I'd rather be alone, otherwise!! Yep - I AM too much. Good! So, leave me alone then! Being interested doesn't mean you need to try to date me, too. Chances are, you won't find what you want. Because you don't even know what you're looking for. All you're doing is wasting my time and energy. That's my say on the matter.

Because once somebody crosses that line with me, they can't go back. They made that stupid choice on their own. You don't get to have your cake and eat it, too, and then go back to being friends after you try it out. Think before you cross that line with someone. This is why relationships end. Because people don't think things through. They get caught up in the moment or the "magic" of it, per say. They float on this emotional high that comes with something new and mysterious. Cut the crap. Get to the heart of it first. Or find someone else that is that superficial. And leave me alone!

What I find most amusing is that, after the fact, they think that I must need them as my friend. Surely. So they can't lose. Wrong. Other people don't make me happy. I make me happy. And I choose to not associate with people that are dishonest and negative with me. Life is too short to surround yourself with that rubbish.

I am not an island. They say. You're right, I'm not just an island. But I'm an island with a retractable bridge and I have a deportation system.

So on with 2010. I'll race as an individual. To make a point. I have the strength to carry on alone. Me choosing to not "tough it out" and deal with and "get over it", has nothing to do with the fact that I can't face it and carry on - because I can. But why would I waste my time with that? I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I want to be in a positive environment. That is what I want in my life. I personally don't feel that I'm an important aspect on this team anyways - so I don't feel that it is a loss for the team. However, if they feel that it is a loss, then they should take this as an opportunity to reflect on things. But I'm not supporting individuals who can't even look themselves in the mirror.

And as my dad always tells me, "Don't get mad. Don't get upset. Don't even get even. Just get what you want."

I want to be surrounded by honest and positive people. The end! The close to that chapter of my life!

My goal this season is to keep striving to be where I want to be.

I want to train hard and have a really fun race season this year. This year is all about getting on the bike as much as I can and just enjoying it. I want to try to get closer to the podium in the 8 Hour's as a solo and I want to try to place higher in my O'Cups. I'm going to spend the rest of the winter snowshoeing and xc sking and spending time with my family and doggie and my few real genuine friends. I'm going to try to do more writing and reading. I'm going to continue doing my best at my new job, like I did at the one here. And I'm going to stay positive. 2009 was a pretty rough year for me emotionally. But it's in the past now. And I'm moving forward.

On another note, I'm trying to tackle a problem that has been troubling me for a while. Hunger and weakness. Whenever I ramp up my training, I'm very hungry and lightheaded and weak. But I lose leaness with over-doing it on the carbohydrates. So I'm constantly in the struggle between staining lean at race-weight (a problem I had last season) and staying strong and mentally alert with blood sugar levels. I've been told protein is the problem. The problem is that protein is expensive and hard on my stomach. ha ha. Meat. And I can't eat whole eggs all day long. I have been logging my nutritional information on a daily basis on the iPhone app, Lose it! And I am noticing a weakness in the protein area. And I'm finding again, that I'm constantly starving. Fruit and vegetables don't seem to eleviate it and I'm topping out on the max. amount of carbs that I should be eating. And it's brutal at night when I'm just trying to eat say, fish and vegetables for dinner. I'm trying to stop the crack addict blood sugar cravings for carbs. So, on the advice of my training friend, I am trying something new. I bought a little jar of chocolate Whey Protein powder. One scoop is 100 calories and 25 grams of protein, And no carbs. 2 g I think. I'm trying to mix that into things to boost my protein levels. He said that should help ease the hunger by balancing things out a little more. I put 1/3 scoop into my oatmeal this morning. I'll take the rest after a workout or tonight with yogurt or almond milk. If anything, it sure doesn't taste that wonderful so at least it will put my appetite off ha ha. I also bought a bag of almonds, too.

Anyways....that's all for now. I can't believe it's 9:30 am already. I have to start and finishing packing today.

6 more days to go....

“A man grows most tired while standing still.”

2010-01-07T10:26:00.001-05:00

I have less than 11 days and counting before I go home. I have a lot to do, but very little time in which to do it in by the time work is done. And work is painfully slow right now because it is pointless for me to get involved in any current projects. There is just enough work to keep my co-workers busy, so obviously they take the project. I have found myself to be watching the clock tick down with mounting impatience. I am resolved to find a few ways to make myself more useful today...perhaps clean up the equipment shelves. Either way.....11 days....!

I've had a few large applications to get done. I've had to work on logistics for my car and for my flight. I've also had to plan for packing....like figuring out how to get my bike home. I don't own more than the clothes on my back, bike gear and my bike. So that helps. I'm trying to fit working out in, too, as well as making proper dinners and walking the dog I'm house sitting at all hours of the day. That's been the real challenge - the dog is a lot of work. He is young and active so I have to spend a large portion of my morning, all of my lunch, and a portion of my night walking him. Which eats into the time I need for other things. Which I still do. Last night I had to run a few errands for things I needed, then I took the dog out quick, then I went for a solid 1 hour run. I cooked a dinner of chicken that I put over a bed of spinach and a side of vegetables afterwards. By the time that was all said and done, it was already 8:30pm. After walking the dog, my day was shot. I had less than an hour to work on my plans/applications. I've been so tired! Every day is long. And then it's back up at 6am to do it all over again.

Speaking of which....time to get outside for that walk.

By and by, another weird thing happened to me yesterday. I was walking down the stairwell to my car to get to work yesterday morning and I saw this glinting broken thing on one of the steps. I picked it up and to my amazement, it was the broken half of my hematite ring. The other half was no where in sight. I'm so baffled by it. I'm also amused by it because it appeared right after I wrote yesterdays little blurb.
I still have no idea how it got there....unless I'm losing weight or something in my fingers LOL.

Odd!

"Symbolism perhaps is a bit in your face, and I've tried my best to control that as best I can as I've grown older and thought that one could approach something with a little more subtlety. "

2010-01-06T10:14:00.000-05:00

A very strange thing occurred to me sometime last week. Only, I'm not sure when it happened. All I know is that on Sunday evening, while lying on the couch with a book, I looked over at my left hand to notice a certain black ring missing from my finger. Puzzled, I looked at my right hand to find my gold Claddagh ring still there. My black hematite ring from Whistler was gone! The reason I'm puzzled is because I never take my rings off. I didn't take that ring off. I haven't taken that ring off since I put it there on my finger, almost 2 years ago! I bought that ring during my first month that I moved to BC back in 2008, my first time here. I don't wear jewelry because I think it's pretty or because it's expensive - I wear jewelry that symbolizes something to me. So that when I look at it, I am reminded of something. My Claddagh ring was from my mum when I was a kid and that reminds me of my life's journey. My cartouche necklace is from the Louvre in Paris and reminds me of my passion and dreams of archaeology; it is also from my mum, so it reminds me of her and her never-ending support to my dreams and goals. Etc. The black hematite ring symbolized my journey to BC and that time of my life that I was here.

It's very weird that it should disappear right at the juncture of my decision to move home. Because in my mind, the decision to move home is a permanent one. I know now that I do not want to settle here in Vancouver. It's not home to me. It's a fun place to visit and I'll miss the friends that I have here...but it's not home. My life in the Durham region always felt more like home to some degree, but I don't think it was until after experiencing last year especially that it solidified as to where my heart was. Not until I moved away again. Now I know where I want to be. I'm looking forward to being closer to my family right now, but also back to where my life is!

It's almost as though the ring symbolized the part of my heart in BC and that it disappeared when my heart officially and fully left this province when I made that decision. A absolute load of bullpoop, obviously - clearly I enjoyed highschool English classes far too much - but it makes for an interesting story in my mind. A weird little thing. The disappearing ring. I sort of miss it! My left hand feels so bare without it.

Perhaps I will have to find a new ring for my left hand in 2010 in a new journey of my life. :)

Bye black hematite ring! Thanks for all the memories!!

“We took risks. We knew we took them. Things have come out against us. We have no cause for complaint.”

2010-01-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

I have decided to give notice at work and resign. At this time, I want to be closer to my family and the things going on. It's personal. But I will not lie when I say that I'm looking forward to it; I do miss my life there, too.
I plan to have my car shipped back in 2 weeks. I am hoping to find myself working for another environmental consulting firm near Ajax, ON. And to not move AGAIN ever. It's just the right thing to do right now as per family matters. As well as myself and my life.

“We humans are full of unpredictable emotions that logic alone cannot solve.” - James T Kirk

2010-01-03T22:39:00.001-05:00

I'm back in Vancouver after a week of excellent holiday vacation spent in both BC and Ontario. I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my great aunt and uncle in White Rock. My grandparents were there, too. They flew out to spend time with them for a few weeks. So that was nice. Although I didn't know what to do with myself. Nobody wanted help with the cooking and there wasn't a wireless connection either. And I really can't be bothered with television. I didn't do much at all on Christmas eve but hang around. On Christmas day, I went for a 2 hour jog outside. It was slightly nippy, but so clear and bright with sunshine that who could even think of staying inside on a day like that?? Apparently not many, as White Rock's waterfront trail was packed.

I couldn't remember the last time I had been on decent run outside. It was dark before work and it was dark after work. Or it was piss pouring outside every weekend when I did have light. Yeah.... cold, miserable, and dark with soupy grey clouds that shrouded everything around you. I spent most mornings and evenings on my bike trainer and with a pair of 10lb free weights. I love running, so that Christmas Day run felt rather invigorating. It was a hard workout, too. The incline on a lot of those roads was pretty shocking. I just remember looking - UP - at some of them. Anyway - it was good. I've been trying to work out harder as of late, so the change in routine was very welcoming.

I felt like I earned some Christmas dinner upon my return. It had been really hard the last week or so avoiding Christmas sweets that people had brought to work. I managed to do it with success, but it sucked. I usually was on top of my game for fitness and health by Christmas and so I usually took a few days off during the holidays to eat until to my heart's delight. I've got a terrible sweet tooth. I love baked goods and chocolate. Oh well. I decided that I did work pretty hard the last few weeks, so I let myself have a dessert after our Christmas dinner. The dinner (and desserts!) was excellent. It was nice to have a family Christmas despite being in another province. Mary and Peter's sons were over with their spouses and child. We all left a bit early. I got home and ate a whack of chocolate that I received for gifts that night. Then I chucked the rest. I had my fun. I got my chocolate fix for the holiday. Though, I'm not gonna lie, I went on my bike trainer for an additional 30 minutes before I went to bed....

I finished packing (which included forcefully jamming a Specialized Epic bike frame into a hockey bag and attempting to pad it with a sleeping bag and etc) and tidied things up that Christmas Day night and got into bed just before midnight. I had an early morning flight at 7am back to Ontario to spend the rest of my holidays with family and friends. I was really looking forward to it. I hadn't been home in 3 months.

I surprisingly fell asleep rather quickly. I usually have trouble falling asleep the night before an early morning trip. I woke up a few minutes before my alarm at 4:00 am and heard my roommate shuffling around. I was surprised that she even woke up before me. I sat up and winced as I tried to pull myself to my feet. My legs were so sore from my run the day before. I couldn't believe how much lactid acid was in my calves. We dragged my luggage to her car across a frosty and slippery road. I had my junior hockey bag all packed tight with sleeping bag and snowboard clothes surrounding my bike frame. It seemed like it was going to be OK for the journey back home. I had finally sold the little red frame to a fellow in Kitchener. It seemed pointless to ship it when I was going to be passing through Kitchener the next week.

My roommate had to scrap all of the windows of her car before we left. It was really foggy outside and the roads were glistening with frost. We got to the airport in the right amount of time. I figured I'd have ample time to sit around drinking coffee before my flight, but was mildly surprised (and irritated) to see the gong show going off in security. The line-ups were long and deceiving for how busy the airport had even seemed outside. They asked stupid and pointless questions and people fumbled through as if they had never flown before. I swear I stood in the same spot in the line for 20 minutes without moving an inch. I was so frustrated and annoyed. I was partly sure that was related to lack of food or coffee, but also because something was really "off" about security that day. And to tell you the truth, I don't think I heard about that terrorist attempt until much later on.

Anyways, I grabbed a herbal tea (why, I don't even remember) from Starbucks and a banana and found myself rushing to finish them before boarding the plane. Security had taken up all of my time. Oh well. I was surprised to get on a brand new, HUGE, Air Canada plane....with nobody on it! I swear there was maybe 25 of us on that flight. I couldn't believe it....it was awesome! I had an entire row to myself. I think I nodded off for the last half of the flight as I don't remember much about the flight. Other than eating an orange and hearing the captain telling us that we had headwinds and would be a half an hour late. Which was not too cool because I had a connecting flight to London from Toronto that I might miss if that was case.

I rushed off the plane with 20 minutes to spare for my connecting flight. I found the gate and noticed everyone still hanging around. Feeling a bit hungry, I went to buy an apple and a bottle of water. I went to the gate only to be informed that I was taken off the flight due to my late incoming plane from Vancouver. She wasn't even sure if there was a seat left for me. I was a little annoyed but kinda glad that they had actually been looking out for connecting passengers. It turned out that there were seats open and my luggage had been successfully transferred to the new plane. I walked outside and up the stairs of the little Jazz plane and squeezed into my seat for the 30 minute flight. I just shut my eyes and rested until it was over. There was a lot of turbulence for that flight. It was kinda fun.

My dad picked me up at London airport and we made the drive back home to Camlachie. Their weather was pretty clear and mild too, all considering....all considering what I remember last year to be like!! To my further surprise (for that day!) my mum had prepared a big Christmas turkey dinner for my arrival (well, for the family, but they waited until I had come back to have it!). It was really nice. I spent the rest of the week just relaxing. I felt ridiculous over the first few days, slowly shuffling down our 2 flights of stairs by supporting myself on the railing and walking down sideways to minimize the amount my heels had to lift. I couldn't believe how sore that run had made me!! I tried to take the dog outside for 3 walks a day during that time,....which were so nice, as I miss my dog so much... as well I tried to maintain some upper body exercises, just to keep things going. I even went to the gym with my brother on the 2nd day and did the Elliptical vigorously for 45 minutes and the weight machines for another half an hour afterwards. I felt that was the only cardio machine (elliptical) that had the least impact on where I was so sore, but yet helped me stretch things out.

Beyond that, I did a lot of reading, a lot of movie watching, and a lot of relaxing. I think I watched the new Star Trek movie 3x. Holy moly, WHAT a good movie! And Chris Pine playing the young Kirk?? I think I'm in love!! Anyways, I also worked on stopping myself from eating after 7:30 pm too. That was hard. Because I'm used to working out around that time after work and then eating afterwards. But I want to try working out immediately after work and not eating past 8pm. My stomach hated me some nights...especially with staying up late... stupid growling, but I got through it and now I'm used to it. Well mostly. I had to have a piece of toast one night because I didn't eat much that day and I paid for it that night. Anyway, All part of the getting ready for race season thing! I'm also glad to say that I spent that entire week at home eating very healthily. All in all, it was a great week home. I was sad to leave. I really didn't want to leave. Damn.

On the 30th, I went to Ajax to visit my bestest friend Steph, where I also used to live, in Ajax. It's my favourite place to live. Of all the places I've lived after I finished school. I was the happiest in Ajax and I spent the most 'living' time there. Steph was one of my greatest friends. I loved the house. I loved the neighbourhood and my running waterfront trail. My bike team was nearby. My friends. Mountain Bike trails, like Durham Forest. And my little routine of life. Plus downtown TO only a 30 minute GO train ride away, and an easy 3.5 hour drive to my parents (compared to a 5000km trip now...). We stopped in Kitchener along the way and I completed my sale with the bike frame. I was very, very glad to see that gone and done. And I was happy to have a little extra money in the bank for my debts.

I got to Ajax around lunch. Me and Steph immediately exchanged xmas gifts and then took off for the evening, laughing and taking and catching up. I felt right back at home. In fact, I felt good. Too good. Too much at peace. Too happy. It was home. And I was home. We zipped in and out of shops. Steph walked away with snoeshoes, much to my jealousy (I have to hold off on those expenses at the moment). We popped into a Jacob outlet and my jaw dropped open to see that everything was litereally 5, 10, or 15 dollars. We ran out of time but we resolved to return. I am still set on not spending money, but I had to factor in the fact that I was in dire need of new normal clothes. The last time I had purchased clothing was over a year ago, and was strictly for office attire for when I worked at BMW Headquarters. And for those prices....well, it be silly not to! We went to the bulk barn for New Years munchies and I got myself some RIGHT NOW munchies. It had been a good solid week of eating really healthy and not eating at night, so I decided to splurge a little. But not really. But kinda - for me! I got yogurt covered pretzles and these blueberry almond bites (almonds and fruit smashed together like bite-size things) and some kamut cakes (rice cakes but with kamut). We went to Steph's brothers place for a bonfire and spent an hour there. Then we retired for the evening making a chicken stir fry dinner and watching movies with good old traditional air popped popcorn. I also heard from someone that I didn't expect to be talking to that night...I suddenly had plans for New Years.

The next day, I went for a run outside on the old water front trail. I felt at home again. It felt great. Steph made the same coffee she had gotten me for xmas - Caramelo from Second Cup for breakfast. It smelled amazing. I dashed off for a quick shower and fresh clothes and then poured myself a huge mug of it. Dear god, it tasted just as good as it smelled!Mmm! We drank an entire pot of it over breakfast. Steph made veggie omlettes. Oh man. Perfect day already!! We hit up the Jacob outlet and I went to town. I pretty much acquired a new wardrobe for next to nothing!! I was taken out for dinner that New Years eve night by the unexpected individual. We played the Wii and watched the juniors hockey game on the TV. Canada had an inteeeense game that night! It was a really, really nice night. Almost perplexing.

My last day was sad. I didn't want to leave. At all. Me and Steph went on a walk/jog on this new trail we discovered at Lynn Shores Conservation. It was snowing pretty good by the time we got there! SO NICE!!! It was snowing pretty good on the drive to the airport. I was so sad to get on that plane that night. I really didn't want to leave. Though, I was slightly happy to get on the plane because APPARENTLY I didn't even have a seat! I book plane tickets all the time - wtf is this, you booked a Tango fare so you aren't assigned a seat, crap? I was so confused. Luckily, I was assigned a seat. It was a brutal flight home because I had too much coffee before the flight and I was crammed in at the window....and I'm not one to disturb other people to get up to use the washrooms. I tried to watch a movie and just sleep, but it was a long flight what with the 40 minute delay on the run way...

Amber picked me up. We had a gong show of a time trying to figure out where we both were to meet up ha ha! I hate the Vancouver airport!!!! I got home and spent the next day unpacking, doing laundry, packing again, working out on the bike trainer and then driving over to Ambers. I was taking HER to the airport the next morning! She was going to Mexico! We caught up over her homemade turkey chili dinner with the whole wheat baguette that I had brought over and I went over everything I needed to know for the next 2 weeks. I was condo-sitting and pet-sitting! I got her to the airport a-okay this morning. I haven't heard anything so hopefully she got there OK.

I've had a nice day so far. I made lots of coffee and had breakfast and did some work on my laptop that I needed to get done...some big changes coming up. I've made a very big decision since flying back. I took Toro, the dog, for a trail run/hike up at Lynn Headwaters since it was actually not raining for once. It was really nice, albeit the trails were really slick with water. It was a good work out. I had forgot my gloves and was worried initially because it's usually chilly up near the mountains, but I warmed up right into the jog up those climbs. I was cold and hungry when I got back. My workout clothes under my rain pants and rain coat were soaking and my hiking shoes wet and muddy. I had a long hot shower and had a bowl of chicken soup with fruit and carrot sticks. I spent the rest of the afternoon in quiet with a cup of mint tea.

Not much else. I took Toro for another walk around the neighbourhood before dinner and heated up some of that turkey chili with a hunk of that whole wheat baguette and a glass of almond milk. I've been starving all day long. I was looking forward to that dinner.

My mind is somewhere else right now. So is my heart.
You won't even believe what I'm about to do in the next 3-4 weeks....

'Me, I didn't mean anything. About anything. To anyone. And I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life.'

2009-12-20T17:47:00.001-05:00

I don't necessarily believe the last 3 months have passed by quickly, per say, but I do believe it's been almost 3 months since I have written a post! I'm not inclined to recap the last 3 months because too many personal things have transpired. Some things are just best kept under the hat. Of course, I shoot myself in the foot by making everyone curious of what's going on - As someone once told me, I always seem to have biggish news about my life. But, it's not like my blog is a personal VIP pass to my unpredictable plans and personal issues. I'm pretty open and honest about my life, but I do retain some aspect of privacy regarding some things! As for everything else, well...like everyone else, you'll just have to wait until I break my unpredictable news! There will be news. In the spring.

Everything else is just dandy. We've had very heavy rain here in Vancouver over the last little while. With a few bouts of below freezing temperatures and snow - not so typical. I haven't been outdoors too much as a result, especially now that it's dark after work. I've squeezed in some trail running here and there at Lynn Valley headwaters, my favourite place to run. But other than that, I've been on the bike trainer nearly every day. I was sick, for lack of better terms, during most of November and was physically unable to do too much, so I'm just getting back on track with things. I'm enjoying Race Day Rush's website and their ride videos - it keeps things entertaining on the bike and makes me long for xc bike and race season. I've started weight training again too with free weights. All in all, I've dropped a few lbs already and I'm well on my way back to race weight, 105lbs...just 5 more lbs to go! My eating habits have drastically improved since last year, too. I've worked it down to...

Breakfast is either 1/2 cup dry oats (cooked after of course) with sliced banana, cinnamon and a sprinkle of Vector or something for crunch - or 2 pieces of toast with egg white or peanut butter and an orange.
(Note: We have this brand of bread out here, Silverhills Bakery (Squirrely Bread, etc), made with no flour and just whole sprouted wheat. )

Lunch is usually soup, carrot sticks and cucumber, fat-free yogurt, and fruit.

Dinner is usually a piece of salmon, vegetables, all on a bed of spinach.

I've also developed a muffin recipe that I make every week to take to work. It has no sugar, no oil, and no butter. I have no idea if it's just an acquired taste because I'm used to eating very plainly - but lots of people have said that they like them! You can try it if you like:

Health Freaks Muffin Recipe:
-3 mashed bananas
-1 egg
-4 tablespoons of egg white
-1 tablespoon of vanilla extract
-as much cinnamon as you like
-1 individual 100g vanilla yogurt

Mix that up until it's creamy and fluffy or whatever the consistency is...

Add;
-1 cup of whole wheat flour
-1 cup of quick oats
-1 teaspoon baking soda
-1 teaspoon baking powder

Add:
-tons of Carob chips
-tons of raisins
-tons of raw pumpkin seeds
-tons of whatever the hell you want!!

Bake: 350 degrees for about 22 minutes

The End.

Work has been quite good, actually. Life is now quiet. I am single and fabulous. And I'm keeping mostly to myself. I'm trying to pay off my debts and save some money this year, so no crazy hobbies for me this year. So no snowboarding or skiing. No trips or vacations. I did go to Whistler for a weekend once this season so far but that is the first and last time for it. It's so expensive! The one thing I'm going to do (so I don't go crazy using the bike trainer all the time) is find myself a used pair of xc skis. It's cheap to get on the trails for it and it's a really great workout.

Today is the last serious day of work before our office closes for holidays on Wednesday at lunch. I'm really looking forward to the time off.

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.” - Helen Keller

2009-10-25T13:32:00.003-04:00

I left the story off in Dryden, Ontario. I was still a good 2 days drive from Vancouver, BC and 3-4 hours from Winnipeg where I was picking up Amber. I had to admit, I had enjoyed the drive alone until then. It was therapeutic. Not that I didn't already think that way about my long distance drives. That's why I did them.

Breakfast was actually amazing that morning at the hotel. I had everything that I wanted for the morning. Plus a newspaper from Thunder Bay. I read through it. Thunder Bay actually seems like a pretty cool city. If I had friends and a life there, I wouldn't mind living there, I reckon

I walked outside around 7:30 to hit the road with Fitty... and was greeted with a shock of frigid winter-like air. I could see my breath roll
in the air like a heavy smoke. It was so cold up north! I took off as the sun was rising, and was hell-bent to get to Winnipeg as quickly as possible. I was delayed somewhat by an insane amount of construction along the HWY 17 to Kenora. I stopped for gas and coffee in Kenora. Weather was cloudy but decent. It rained off and on between Kenora and the Manitoba border. It was almost noon when I hit the border....and I had to admit that I was relieved to see that big sign for Manitoba.....what had it been....2.5 days to get out of Ontario?? I didn't even want to believe it. My timing had been all off for the drive. If I had just left earlier the day before...

Overjoyed for straight, flat, 2-lane highways and a 100 Max speed limit, me and Fitty busted it all the way to Winnipeg. I initially felt bad for getting Amber so late in the day. I kept cursing to myself for not trying to make Kenora last night before I had stopped for the night. But it turned out that Amber and her cousin had gone to town last night and hadn't slept all night. So my late arrival was more of a relief. I found my way to their Winnipeg house and had a nice visit with a huge mug of fresh strong coffee and just-baked date squares that were sliced the size of ...I was going to say, my hand, but I don't actually have big hands so...just imagine extra-large date squares and work with me here. I love date squares, for those who don't know. I realize most people aren't too tickled pink about them, but I just LOVE THEM!! They are my favourite!!

The air outside had a crisp hint of potential snow-fall. I hoped that would not occur...We got on our merry way. It was so awesome to see her again. We had a hilarious drive all the way to Medicine Hat, AB that night. I wanted to do as much driving as I could before we got to the mountain passes, which I was inwardly dreading. I had a sinking feeling that we would have to take the low road through the mountains (Crows Nest Highway) because they were calling for snow between Calgary at Banff and all that. And if there was snow there, god knows what Roger's Pass would have been like. With Amber in the car with me, I felt confident to drive through the night. Which I hadn't the last few nights for more of a safety measure....with a 2nd person, there were extra eyes to watch for deers and elk, the road, and incase of an emergency. But it WAS easier on the 3rd night because now I was driving in flat plains in the prairies and I could see for miles.

The 16 hour stretch between Winnipeg, MB and Medicine Hat, AB was a piece of cake. We stopped a few times for fuel and foods. We managed to stay behind and in front of any bad weather. The 45mm of downpouring rain that had drenched Saskatchewan was gone by the time we passed through. And the skies were clear. We pretty much laughed our way to the Alberta border. When it got dark, it got DARK in the prairies. We tagged close behind big rigs when we could so that if a deer walked out in front, it be blown away by the rig. Really kinda sad but....as if Fitty would walk away from that. We arrived around 11pm to Medicine Hat. Just in the nick of time. As I was beginning to feel heavy with sleepiness. My bad knee was starting to cramp up. I went for another Holiday Inn Express as I knew what to expect and their breakfasts were pretty dark good! They only had smoking rooms available. I was so tired and my contacts were drying up in my eyes so bad that I didn't even care. I just prayed it didn't smell too bad. It did smell a bit like cig smoke but it wasn't tooooo bad. It didn't matter anyways, we fell asleep in the midst of trying to figure out what way we would drive the next day...

Medicine Hat was the juncture. We would either carry on up to Calgary and through HWY 1 through the Rockies, or we would drop down to Lethbridge and go through Cranbrook and the Crows Nest Highway back to Vancouver. Amber had done Crowsnest Highway a million times when she lived in Trail. So she was pretty confident about it. We were worried about snow of course, but I had snow tires and I have driven in the snow countless times before. It wasn't so much the snow I was worried about, but a snowFALL in the middle of a pass in the mountains....it was the lack of visibility resulting from that that worried me. I didn't exactly want to drive off a cliff. I mean, in Ontario, the snowstorms can be bad on the highways and roads but at least if your car loses control, you end up in a shallow-ish ditch....but in the mountains, it's not a shallow ditch...it's usually a cliff! AHH!!

We woke up and pondered our route over breakfast and coffee. The news on the big screen TV was warning of snow in Calgary and Banff area. Amber was decided on taking Crowsnest. They were just calling for rain. She said that was perfect. I was still pondering an even lower route through Montana - as that highway was huge and straight and blasted through the mountains at a less twisty rate. Crowsnest was going to be painfully slow. And if there was snow, god help us.

We decided to take Crowsnest Highway. They were certain that there would only be rain and an average temperature between 7-12 degrees. I took us to Lethbridge, AB and I nervously handed the wheel over to Amber. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was actually handing over the rest of the DRIVE to Amber.
I was nervous for only a few hours. I hate other people driving Fitty. Even though it makes no sense. I have the least amount of driving experience of anyone...but it's something in the fact that Fitty was my little buddy and I knew how he drove and handled. My worries faded away as the hours went by. I had nothing to worry about.

We approached the foothills of the mountains a number of hours later. It was getting near noon. Our timing was still perfect. We would pass through the mountains at the height of the day, when temperatures would be the highest. Accumulating snowfall wasn't expected until the evening if it occurred at all. However, weather networks are never too up to date on what's going on in the mountain passes. I started gathering the names of the passes on Crowsnest from Amber to look up. I was getting worried. Some passes were reporting wet snow and others heavy rain. My weather radar on my iphone had shown clear the entire time, and was now showing active weather over parts of Crowsnest. It was showing snow over Crowsnest Pass just as we entered it. Go figure. I was a little white only out of worry of what was to come, but what was coming down was nothing to be worried about. It was a heavy flurrying. I look back now and I can't quite figure out why I was so scared. I guess it was that whole cliff-thing again, ha ha.

We stopped in Cranbrook for lunch and it started to rain. We kept going. It was going to be a long drive to get out of the mountains. About 7 hours? I watched the kilometers tick down on my GPS as we pressed on. I had set the GPS for Osooyos, where I knew the rain would disappear. The drive was a good one but my allergies, which had started to flare up back in Northern Ontario, was getting progressively worse. The closer we approached the mountains, the more pressure that built up in my sinuses and head. However, the drive itself was pretty clear. We managed to stay behind, again, any kind of rain all the way out of the mountains. There was a system moving across the Crowsnest area but it was ahead of us. And we could see everything around us wet as we passed through. Salmo Pass was covered in a heavy snow, though. But we had just missed that too and the roads were clear and nicely sanded.

I was so relieved to get to Grand Forks where we filled up with fuel and got ourselves some water. I was also glad Amber was still cool with driving as my sinuses were in so much pain with so much pressure that I could barely breath or function. I felt stupid. My head felt heavy with the pressure. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. It had to be allergies because my sinus cold medicine wasn't working. Was I allergic to mountains now?? I honestly thought so because we we entered the Okanagan, my sinuses began to clear!

I was soooo happy to see the Okanagan. It was familiar to me. And I thought Osoyoos and surrounding area was so beautiful. I took so many pictures but none of them could capture what I saw. It was just too vast.

Amber kept warning about Manning Park. That we had to make Manning Park before dark and now it was impossible and she seemed worried. I couldn't figure out what that was all about. I thought we had cleared out of the hard part. Amber laughed at me. But it wasn't a very comforting laugh. In fact, it was a down right worrying, you-just-have-no-idea, sort of laugh. I munched through some rice cakes with a new round of growing dread.

We hit Manning Park around 8:30 pm, I think. It was the longest 2 hours of my life. And the distance wasn't even far. Manning Park was darker than dark. It was like a black hole. The tall and dense forest shrouded us from the outside world and the road within was narrow and twisting. Very, very twisty. And there were warnings for deer and elk, everywhere. My iphone went immediately to "No Service" for the duration of that 2 hours. I was so nervous. So was Amber. And that made me more nervous, as Amber had driven Manning Park millions of times before. I'm pretty sure a few times we were going, "AHHHHH!!!" as we came around sharp bends with big rigs nearly pushing us off the road and down into the dark depths of whatever was over the side of the road...And we sadly were high fiving and cheering when we finally did get out of there and found ourselves back on the #1 towards Hope/Vancouver.

We arrived in Vancouver ..North Vancouver, to be precise, around 10:30pm our time. It was a clear, damp and mild night. It felt surreal and strange crossing the bridges and entering my old home. I texted everyone to let them know I had arrived. Four days, almost 5000km, and another adventure behind me.

The sensation of reality was only just starting to creep up on me....but I held it in bay....I was here...I was almost 5000 km away from my life that I had settled in Ontario. But it was too distant inside of me and I pushed it away. I couldn't let it make me feel anything. I had to press on.

I had to sleep.

I was back in BC. And I had no idea what to expect.

To be Continued.....

"That's the sort of thing that I want you to understand. To sell your soul is the easiest thing in the world. That's what everybody does every hour of their life. If I asked you to keep your soul - would you understand why that's much harder?"

2009-10-24T12:14:00.000-04:00

Three weeks have gone by since arriving in Vancouver on that dark and damp Saturday night at the start of October. I have so much to write. And yet I never seem to have the amount of time available that would justify what I would like to write. But I will. Tonight.

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door," he used to say. "You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." - Tolkien

2009-10-01T22:27:00.001-04:00

I've totaled about 2000 km for my drive so far. I'm awfully tired. My muscles are really sore. Not from driving, but from the 8 Hour Solo and then made worse by driving. But I don't think it's too bad. I get to sit in my car in my pajamas (pretty much) for 4 days with snacks and coffee and tunes.

I had a decent night last night. I went to the hotel's gym and got a brisk 40 minute work out. I just needed to stretch my muscles. I then got up at 5:30 am today ....OK, I got up at 5:45 am today (by the time I got out of bed) and left Sault Ste Marie with a PB bagel and coffee and banana. I watched the sun rise over a cold, crisp and clear sunny day and was on my 2nd coffee (Wawa has a Tim Hortons??) when I hit snow. OK, they were flurries. But it was a heavy flurrying! I didn't really drive over the speed limit once I hit that. I had no idea what to expect. I had absolutely no cell service on my iphone. After a few hundred kilometers, it let up around Marathon. After that, the day ended up being beautiful. Some gorgeous scenery. I think. I dunno, I was trying to drive away from it all as quickly as possible. LOL. But I was getting restless and anxious to get out of Northern Ontario....it's definitely a slower drive....those hills slow you up and you can't really go over 100 at all. If you can keep up to that, anyways.

I was relieved and overjoyed to get to Thunder Bay at 3:30. I made a quick stop at Tim Hortons for a bbq chicken wrap, chocolate milk and a run around my car from being chased by a bee, and I was off on the road again. Unfortunately, time was running late and I wanted to try to still make Winnipeg, so I missed seeing my brother. My brother wasn't free until after 5:30, which meant I wouldn't be leaving TBay until late, so I made the decision to pass. Which was disappointing because I rarely get to see my brother. It was all for naught, too, because there was a lot of construction on the highway and I didn't get into Dryden until 8:30 pm central time. Exhausted and not wanting a retard deer or moose to walk in front of my car or to hit the rain that I heard was over SK and MAN., I pulled into some new Holiday Inn Express. There's a Tim Hortons down the road, too. That's all I need and want. I'll have to drive to make Alberta tomorrow. We'll figure out what route to take to get passed the Rockies then....weather's not gonna be too good now....

The drive's alright, over all. Hard to believe it's my 4th time doing it again. Hard to believe I have to stop now when it gets dark because I'm tired. I'm getting too old for this sh!t ha ha ha.

"Over rivers mountains high, watching it drifting through the sky, tide rolls out , tide rolls in..."

2009-09-30T22:42:00.001-04:00

The Fall Epic 8 Hour was a good end to my mountain bike race season. I noticed the progress I’ve made over the season and I felt really good about it. I managed to pull a good 9 laps of the course, totaling 90 km. I was so pumped up to find out halfway through the race that I was actually in 3^rd place. Unfortunately, it being my first real solo experience, I couldn’t seem to maintain the pace against the other more experienced racers in my category. I lost some time and also dropped 5-10 minutes in my last few laps as I started to wear out. I’ve never raced 90km before! I could have managed a 10^th lap to round it out to 100km, but not in the time frame left to me. I couldn’t hammer a 30 minute lap to make the cut off, ha ha. But I DID have enough energy to push the bike through another another! Albeit a bit slower….Ah well! A good start! I definitely want to keep trying the solo route to see if I can get on that podium. Having a taste of it for the first time was so exciting. I held third place on my own accord! I ended up finishing pretty low down in 5^th place (out of 8) , but overall did pretty good when comparing results with the 2 people in front of me and behind me.

Some things I learned from this experienced include: not starting at the back of the pack, not eating too much between laps, trying to alternate bottles of water and bottles of heed water, and actually going harder on the first few laps.

I’m a better rider than I give myself credit for. I did NOT need to start at the back of the pack. I got bogged down in this huge bottle neck of a line up for the single track and behind riders that would keep dismounting on ‘technical’ stuff….which stalled me up. For AGES. I have nothing against anyone because that was me the last year. But I need to not start at the back anymore….I lost so much time because of that.

I hate gels and things like that. I like food! So I like using races as an excuse to eat tasty bars of things that are pointless to eat when not exercising. I found boxes of Cliff Bars on sale at Canadian Superstore , so I was stocked. I would stop after every 2 laps (20 km), cram a Cliff Bar down my throat, half a banana or a few bites of slower burning plain cold oatmeal with honey I made, and gulps of water. The 2^nd time I did this, my stomach was not happy. I almost threw up on a climb from it. Blah! But I was hungry!! But yet my stomach did not want food. I just need to eat less or get some of those lighter energy bars.

Putting Heed in all of my water bottles was a great idea., too….for half of the race….after a while, my stomach was turning on it too. I just craved clean water without any of that stuff in it. It was also making me sick! I need to alternate water bottles next time.

My lap times were pretty consistent but I have this feeling that it probably wouldn’t have mattered if I had ridden faster in the first number of laps…I don’t think I would have been that much more tired. Something to try. I noticed other people’s lap times so…

Anyways…that was the 8 Hour. We were all really exhausted after. All the Long Shots racing did solo! I was toast the next day because I stupidly had a drink with our dinner that night and was so sick from it after. I can’t tolerate alcohol anymore, I don’t know why I bothered. And so I was sick the entire next day, just lying on the couch. When I had to pack….

I think it was also the weather changing…that cold front moving in….I always get sick when weather changes and that 8 hour race probably did not help my immune system. Or that stupid drink. I just messed me up! My throat was all swollen yesterday. I’m just really lacking in a good sleep and I’m sore and sick feeling!! It sucks!!

I still managed to get all my stuff packed up, get back to my hometown, get my car in the shop and checked out and decked back out in snowtires, say goodbye to the fam, say goodbye to other people (sad!!), and hit the road this morning at 7am. I made Sault Ste Marie today. It was a pretty nice drive. My goal is to make it to Winnipeg. I’m worried about the weather conditions I’m hearing about …but so far so good.

More later…for now…sleep!!!

I'm the star of the Laura show. And the Laura show isn't an ensemble drama. Guests come and go... but I am the regular.

2009-09-24T16:04:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I think the universe is just having a big laugh at me. Other times, I think it's just catering to my deep subconscious desires for unpredictable adventures. And that sometimes, I really do believe in that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for...."

I had an excellent interview for an excellent position with an excellent salary last week. I ended up getting the job. The job is out of North Vancouver, BC. Aha! What?! It's very odd that out of all the jobs I applied for, my first offer ended up being out of Vancouver.... But the job market isn't very good right now in Ontario....maybe things were better out west?? But honestly, in some ways, I am quietly relieved because I'd much rather do site work in Vancouver than in Toronto (bullsh!t snow hell Ontario!). My decision was mostly owing to my situation - I took the job offer. I can't afford to sit on it too much longer. But it sure makes other things really difficult to swallow right now. I'm really sad to leave when I have a good relationship, friends and life here. But it's a really good position and unfortunately....I'm not in a position to turn a good job like that down.

I said, "Be careful what you wish for", because I've often thought about how wonderful it would be if I could live a double life in ON and BC. I have 1 life here in the Durham, Ontario region and 1 life in the North Vancouver, BC area. I quite like living in both places! It is so strange that I landed a job that requires me to return to North Vancouver...where I was living in 2008. What is more odd, is how I almost have no feelings towards any of it (besides thinking it to be odd!). I feel like I've now been back and forth so many times that the mystique of the cross-country move has all worn off. That it almost just feels like an entirely normal thing, to go back and forth now. So I don't feel like I'm going home or anything like that. I guess in some ways, it feels slightly surreal, I suppose, because I always felt that my 1 year in BC was just a dream. And I wonder if I'll think that about my year back in Durham. I think about it a lot while I lie awake in my bed all night. I don't know exactly how I feel about feeling nothing when thinking about the places I leave. It disturbs me. And I just feel like this drifting ghost that doesn't really mean anything to anyone or anything, precisely because I'm always somewhere else. Like a disappearing act. And sometimes I wonder if I might actually be enjoying the whole thing. Sometimes I'm not sure.

Leaving certain persons behind keeps me more awake at night than anything. Time will play that story out and it will be whatever it will be, but having no control over it is frustrating sometimes. Maddening almost when for the first time in pretty much ever in my life, I have a normal, happy relationship. It is interesting how life goes sometimes. I've given up protesting or getting upset (even though part of me wants to burst into tears) or fighting and planning for my life. It's pointless. There's always something new and unpredictable jumping out at me from the curtains, derailing all of my plans. It's not that I really believe in fate or a higher power guiding my life, but sometimes it just makes me wonder. Because I see an overarching theme in my life that plays over and over and over again: not getting attached. To anything or anyone or anywhere. As soon as I start feeling comfortable and settled down, something changes and alters my life to uproot me from that comfortable situation. It's bizarre. My reputation for the unpredictable is so well known that I've just lapsed into accepting the character myself. Sometimes, in humour, I'll play off of it and keep up appearances, if you will...but overall....it just happens. That's just it about my life - it just happens! And I follow.

The last few weeks have been rather good, if not a little stressful. My weekends are the best part. I went cottaging with Paul the previous week and had my first taste of ATVing. It was the most scary fun I've ever had. And we found an ATV park (like a motocross park), which was absolute sand, and I almost died as we whipped through it. I was so scared we'd wash out in the berms but I knew Paul wasn't going fast enough to lose control. It was such a bizarre sensation ! Being so scared that my heart could just stop, and yet having the biggest grin on my face ever because I was also having so much fun! I guess I haven't done rollercoasters or anything for a long time. Downhilling was kinda like that too.

I've still been trying to train well enough for my 8 Hour race that is on this Saturday. I put in many hours on the bike. This week, I've backed off and I have been taking it easy. Which is a really hard thing to do. I feel lazy. But I'm not an elite level racer....I don't have the muscles to get out there and still put in more hours before the race. I just get muscle fatigue. I went running on Tuesday for an hour and I did an easy 2 hour mountain bike ride yesterday in Glen Major. I've been slowly changing my eating habits again. I'm trying to incorporate a higher percentage of vegetables, fruits and proteins in my diet over carbohydrates. I'm also trying to phase out grains as my basis for carbohydrates except for before, during and post training/races. I'll still have plain slow cooked oatmeal with bananas in the morning if I'm going for a run or a ride shortly after. If not, then just egg whites and fruit. I barely eat any grain products now. It's kinda funny. I didn't think it was possible but I'm buying more types of fruits and vegetables than I used to.....and combined with nuts and eggs and meats....I'm doing OK. And I'm eating mostly vegetables and fish at night. It's hard because I'm crashing off of grains like an addict because I crave the sugar rush, but it's getting better. I'm doing all of this to better control my hypoglycemic problems and to healthily lower my body fat percentage. I just want to be fit. And not be a slave to the cereals. Yayy I don't even eat cereal anymore except for the odd treat. Weird when I used to rely on it for most of my meals! I don't know how I did it...with all that sugar.

Anyway, this morning I went for a 30 minute jog before breakfast and I'm hoping to force myself out for an easy spin on the water front trail. It's hard to make myself go back outside after I've already showered earlier though. Or I don't know. Maybe usually it's not. I'm just in such a funk today. I feel lazy about not being out there riding and yet I feel like I could just whither away on the couch in my pajamas. My head is just lost in space somewhere else...thinking about the move.

I think it's the anticipation of leaving. It's a weird feeling that makes you feel like you're a zombie floating in space. I have no idea what to expect when I get there and I'm leaving everything I'm certain about here....for uncertainty. It's uncomfortable. And I have this last fun filled (and pain filled) weekend with Paul, my team, and a big race event, and then I go home, have the car in the shop, pack my bags, and begin my long drive across the country. I'm trying to focus on my new job, working hard, seeing my old friends, my great aunt and uncle, and getting into the mountain for hiking, trail running and snowshoeing and stuff. I'm wondering how different the 2nd time around will be! I hope it all works out. Works out how? Who knows, seems like a subjective concept in my world these days!

So that's all for now....Fall 8 Hour on Saturday, saying goodbye for now to everyone here, and figuring out which route to drive next week!!

Route Canada

Route USA

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.” - James Whitcomb Riley

2009-09-09T20:50:00.000-04:00

I don't want to jinx this weather, but it's been absolutely fantastic. Well over-due for this summer. I've almost forgotten all about the blues of rainy weather! And I can't believe it's almost mid-September already....

I don't have a great deal of news at the moment since the weekend. My knees are all visibly bruised but feeling fine. Well, the right knee feels normal (just looks bad). The left knee, however, is aching when I ride. That is the knee that went into a Buckwallow rock. Sigh! I've been spending a lot of time working on my various projects. I can't really talk much about them right now. If at all. Not until they're somewhat near completion.

I'm not sure if it's just that I'm usually out cold between 1-2 am in the morning or if the presence of a bunch of coyotes in the forest area beside my house is new. But I've been hearing them near my window the last few nights very early in the morning....they are howling and yipping and yawwing and snarling and I honestly think I heard one of them rip a raccoon or something apart the other night. It freaked me out! I think, in my sleep-deprived not-quite-awake state, I went around the house locking doors and windows. Yes. Because the coyotes were going to walk through my door or window next to get me next. Right. lol.

I made a batch of trail riding cookies yesterday, also. I'm not sure what else to call them. They're specifically for taking with you on a ride, like a granola bar. But they're also for healthy eating. I make them with no butter or oil. Only 1 egg. Barely any sugar at all (a tablespoon of brown sugar really, against the acidity of the apples). The rest of the ingredients consist of oats, whole wheat flour, unsweetened applesauce, vanilla, cinnamon, milk, sliced almonds, raisins and carob chips. Carob chips are interesting! 70 calories for 60 of them! And they taste just like chocolate chips when baked or put in something. I'm fascinated by them...by carob chips.....I'm still playing around with the recipe. They come out very fluffy-like, if you know what I mean. They are more like a cake-like cookie. I usually like something a little crispier and denser. I might have to decrease the baking powder, I think.

As for riding...I had an easy spin in the Rouge Valley yesterday evening. We got a bit lost but it was alright. Today I did 2 hours in Durham Forest to get the knees moving. Everything's OK!

At any rate, this week has been quiet. I'm just trying to stay focused. On everything. There's much uncertainty in the air for me right now about a great many things. The only thing certain is my persistence and determination. So I'm not worried. I sleep well at night. I let other people toss and turn over things. They can have fun with that.

My next race is the Fall Epic 8 Hour, by and by. I'm registered as solo for that race. I'm trying to build up the hours of riding to get ready for it. I'm really excited about it, though. I think it will be fun. I wanted to do Paul's Dirty Enduro - the 60 km course...but....the poison ivy has been so bad in Ganaraska Forest this year. And people are still saying this is true. I was out of commission for almost a month with a bad bad bad case of poison ivy from Ganaraska so... I think I will NOT take my chances again! Boo!!

Anyway - that's all for me for the week. I've got some more riding to round it out, a few appointments to see to, project work to attend to, and a bbq/party on Friday. I think I'll head back home on the weekend for a visit. It's my nana's birthday. And it was my grampy's birthday yesterday. He turned 87. I want to see them again.

Ciao!

“We should come home from adventures, and perils, and discoveries every day with new experience and character”- Thoreau

2009-09-07T15:10:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting at my little desk with my injured legs stretched out and the windows in front of me wide open. After 3 days of riding, camping and racing (and many days prior of training!), it feels good to just sit here in my pajamas with my laptop, a cup of tea and the cool September air floating over me. My muscles are a little weary but I could certainly run out the doors for another mountain bike adventure if I had the chance. The only thing really stopping me is injury. I bashed up my knees pretty good over the weekend. I had an impact on my left knee on Friday and then a much worse impact on my right knee area on Sunday. I can barely walk at the moment. I'm limping and gimping like an old person. I also need to give my muscles a break. I also needed the rest and sleep. But what a good 3-day adventure it was!

I'll start with the day prior to the 3-day adventure. Thursday was the last Durham Forest race of the year. I had an excellent long run outside that morning. When I got to the race, I was not feeling confident on the pre-ride. The race consisted of the one piece of singletrack that I struggled with. This is not to say that I can't ride the entire trail. Because I can. The problem is that there was a lot of short technical, steep-like rooty climbs that I can't seem to get my bike up and over. A repeating pattern to be sure. I felt like I was back at the Kelso race. In retrospect, I wish I would have just raced it and gotten over with it. But I'm pissed. I'm sick of subjecting myself to races and performing poorly. I didn't want another bad result. I opted out of racing and just helped out with getting the pizza for the awards part of the night. I'm not sure which decision made me feel worse. I ate no pizza. Paul took me for a spin on the course after the race and we talked about what I needed to work on. It was fun. When the awards rolled around and I was awarded 2nd Place overall for the series in my category, I felt even lower. Not exactly the reaction you're supposed to get in your stomach when you win an award. I put on a smile as the medal was slung over me, but inside... I wanted to turn and run. I did not deserve that award. I hung it up over my dash in my car as a reminder of what is possible for myself for the future.

The next day, I was up at the crack of dawn to finish packing up a few things. Paul was taking me on a camping/mountain bike adventure. Which meant a little road trip! I relish those moments. Road trips... I love being in my little Honda Fit (Fitty), with it packed to the brim of camping and bike stuff, with a coffee from Timmy's in hand and music going, and just driving for hours. I can have very few thoughts pass through my mind on those drives. I could just go on forever. And the 3 drives I've made across the country are proof to that pudding! I think it is the concept that while driving long-distance, you leave behind anything you had obligations or worries to...and because you are en-route, you are not involved in anything regarding your destination. You are in some ways, just floating through time and space. Unconnected. Nothing matters. It's pure freedom. And being free is a concept very important to me.

We went to Bonnie Lake north of Bracebridge first in order to get our campsite set up. It was a really pretty little place and quiet. The people there were so friendly and nice. We got the big dining tent up, the sleeping tent, and then drove to Buckwallow for an afternoon of mountain biking. It was not exactly what I remember, when I last rode there in 2007. I think this was in part because Paul took me on almost every trail, so I got to experience the "advanced" trails. We discovered that Paul has natural talent for riding crazy rocks and I got a very challenging workout and skills training session in on how to ride up and over things. The sections that went "downhill" were super fun with the rocks and roots. No problems there. I don't think my descending abilities have any issues beyond the long-term goal of releasing more and more brake on them. The lessons began after I toppled over on a climb and smashed in my left knee on a rock. After that, Paul would stop at similar sections and coached me to attempt them. I was frustrated. I was twisting my handlebars when I'd pick up my front end of the bike and I'd lose control. Or my feet would come unclipped when I stood and pulled up. But, By the end of our 3.5 hour ride, I was finally riding up and over rocks and pulling myself up and over roots that were on a smaller scale. I couldn't do the bigger ones. But that was a matter of time and practice. The point was that I made some progress. I was so happy. I just had to focus on my distribution of weight on the handlebars and believe in my commitment to follow through on it. It was a burst of power and I wasn't giving it any power.

Tired, we got back to camp and were relieved to find amazingly awesome hot showers. We finished unpacking and had an excellent steak and baked potato dinner with salad from the camp grill in our little dining tent and relaxed by the fire until we had just enough energy left to crawl into the tent to sleep. The night started off rather warm but cooled right off through the wee hours of the morning. Everything was wet outside when we woke up, as if it had rained. But it hadn't. We were both a little stiff and tired from the night. It was decided that a portable camping inflatable mattress was in order for next time!

After a breakfast of more oatmeal (with sliced bananas!) that should have been humanly possible, we slowly packed up all of our stuff and left Bonnie Lake. We were disappointed we didn't get a chance to hit up the beach, but our timing was all off for it. Oh well! We got to Hardwood Hills in the early afternoon and rode the 8 Hour course that was marked already. It was different! I liked it but there were a few tricky spots. One of them included a very tight section that went through 2 trees. I couldn't even walk my bike through without my cranks hitting the trees and my handlebars (which are very short for short me) could barely fit through. Neither of us could figure out how anyone was going to fit through it during a race. It would be even more problematic for soloists and tag team racers by the 7th hour of the race....you ride a little more sloppily when you are tired! The other section included a switch back climb that continued to ascend with a big log obstacle and then a tight rooty switchback climb the other way. You'd sure need a hella lot of momentum for that section! There was also this one short little tidbit of singletrack that seemed to have just been cut for the race. It was weird because you could barely see where the trail was going so there was a lot of WTF's going on!

Paul had decided halfway through the ride that he was definitely going to do the last race in the Marathon race series that was on the next day at Mansfield. I wanted to do it but I was skeptical after the disaster of the last one. Plus all race money eats into my eating money hahaha. But the competitive side in me refused to watch as Paul went to race and I stood on the sidelines or stuck around at home. I had to get out there, too. All for one and one for all!
We took it easy at Hardwood on a few more trails afterwards. I secretly like ripping that Sprockids trail. It's just set up so perfect and flowy and FAST. It's the most perfect place to practice cornering at a fast pace. I barely used any brakes in there because I know my way around so well. I love using that trail to get used to the feeling of flying through trail at speeds I'm not used to. Because when you aren't used to seeing trails at speeds above what you're used to, you'll never race any faster.

Tired, we ate our sandwiches and drove back home as quickly as we could. As quickly as we could with me needing new cable housing for my bike and having to stop at a bike shop in Barrie (Black Tooth Grin Bike Shop) and having to stop at the gas station. I asked for a sticker for the bike shop upon seeing the cool ones they had for the shop and he gave me free pick of whatever I wanted from this box of stickers. I was in sticker heaven! For everyone knows my enthusiasm for stickers....I picked out a Shimano, Giant, NW and bike shop sticker. And I left a pretty happy camper.

Anyway, when we got back, Paul worked on our bikes while I rented us some movies and got some things for dinner. We made the best thing in the world for our pre-race dinner (for the 2nd time this month)! Gnocchi with sauteed chicken and tons of fresh vegetables. We packed it in pretty early so we could wake up for the race feeling somewhat restful...especially after the tiring camping adventure. We set the alarm for 6am and had just enough time to eat breakfast and get our gear in the car. We set out with Timmy's in hand and made it to Mansfield just in the nick of time for registration and warm up. I was happy to see some friends and another teammate at the race!

My race started great and ended on a disappointing note. Since breakfast was 4 hours prior to start-time to my race, I decided to try something different. I decided not to bring food or anything on my 35 km race. I wanted to hammer down for the entire thing without stopping. I knew after all my training and on a flowy course like this, I was capable of at least doing that. I ate a banana, clementine and a Cliff bar and drank some water. It was gold! It was a perfect combo. I felt energized and had no blood sugar problems (like I usually do). I felt incredible. I was keeping up with the group and even climbing where people were walking. My left knee was aching from Friday, but I was compensating with my right leg and I was hammering down as hard as I could with the biggest grin on my face ever. I felt so happy and was having so much fun and I just couldn't believe that I was sticking on everyone's tail like that! For the first time ever! Usually everyone pulls away from me and I'm dead last. Not this time! Training was starting to pay off. I even felt good in corners and I was leaning the bike and letting off the brakes. I tried to get in a groove to keep that up - as I'm still learning how to do it. I passed a few people. My confidence was soaring!

Then the worst thing happened. My bike stopped shifting properly. It had been working beautifully and then it started locking up, then the chain falling off, then ghost shifting, or not even shifting at all. I was feeling frustrated. I was getting slowed down. Then 20km into the race almost exactly, I came whipping down a sandy double track descent and blew the turn so badly in the sand that I lost control and crashed hard. All I remember is my right knee making an impact with my bike in some way. Whether the bike landed on me or I landed on the bike, I don't remember. But the pain was intense. I silently and shakily got up while a rider passed me asking if I was OK. I waved him on, insisting that I was. I was fine. I had to be fine. I had to do well in this race! I was so close! This could have been the best race result of the year for me!

I brushed the sand off of myself and took a few deep breaths and picked up my bike. Tears almost welled up in my eyes as I winced to bend my knees to get back on the bike. The rest of the race was going to hurt like F#CK, it seemed. Every pedal stroke was torture. The harder I turned those cranks, the more the throbbing in my knee became. It was unfortunate that it had to have been that right knee and not my already injured left knee. Now my left knee throbbed and my right knee screamed in pain. I could see the purple bruising becoming visible all above my knee on my leg with each passing kilometer. I dreaded anything that had a climb. With my bike not even shifting properly, I couldn't get into a gear suitable for climbing unless I left it in the granny ring. But then I struggled to put it into something that gave me some better speed when not climbing. I was so frustrated. And Powering up anything and standing put me on the brink of throwing up a few times in pain. I could barely support my weight standing on the bike, so I only felt OK if I was either standing or sitting. The switch from standing and sitting was the killer. All in all, I was cursing mad. It took me about 10 out of the 15 km of the rest of my race to feel better. I was so upset and disappointed and angry. I couldn't believe those 2 things happened to me. It would have been the best race of the year. I was having such a good race. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't want another crappy race result on paper for people to see. Now I had no proof to anyone that I had been training hard. I just felt like another last place loser.

But that's the nature of the game. And 10 km later, I decided that the only thing left to do was focus on the first 20 km of that race and how well I was doing. And forget everything else. And now that I look back, I think about how amazing human determination can be in the face of adversity. I was in so much pain and I could barely walk but I made myself finish (as fast as I physically could) the rest of that 15 km. I thought about a lot of my friends and stories I've heard of similar situations of striving to still cross that finish line despite injury. When I finally crossed the finish line, to the eyes of the rest of my category hanging around, I asked cheerfully if they had first aid. I came to a stop at the first aid tent next to the Finish and nearly fell over in the process. I dropped the bike away from me and struggled to hobble into the camp chair they had for me in the first aid tent. I couldn't even walk. I couldn't even figure out how I managed to finish that race. Neither could they!

My right knee was so swollen. I had a huge pack of ice over it with my leg propped up for a good 20 minutes. The Marathon guys were coming through the Finish line at that point. They started the Half-Marathon awards and I surprisingly got called up for a 3rd Place Overall medal for the series. I think I was looking the other way , still propped up in the First Aid tent when they called my name. I looked around and said, "What? That's me." They rushed over and helped me hobble over to the podium. It was really funny. I was having such a good laugh. And the medal was kinda a fun treat for me after all of that I guess. By the time Paul pulled through the finish line for his long course, I had managed to strip off half of my kit and put dry clothes on, eat a banana and have some water. Paul finished an amazing 10th and Davidson on our team finished 1st! What a good day! And the sun was still shining and it was a perfect warm temperature.

We all hung around together sitting in the grass, talking about bikes and races, and waiting for the final Marathon awards to begin. When that was over, we drove home, unpacked, showered and relaxed. Completely exhausted, dinner was Subway and a funny movie rental. The advil and icing helped me feel a little better but I was limping really bad. I got home around 9pm to the quiet empty silence of my house. I hung my 3rd place medal up on the rearview mirror next to the 2nd Place Durham Forest medal and went inside. I really enjoyed that quiet night. I had a snack of PB toast and a yogurt and a cup of peppermint tea and soon fell into a deep sleep curled up in my blankets (as much as my knees would bend).

And today is a day to rest! I'm just working on some of my projects here with my laptop. No need to get out of my pajamas at all. It's perfect. And nothing ahead to worry about but the mystery of tomorrow. But that's the variety of my life that I so love.

"I must admit, I'm in love with my own scenes."

2009-09-03T12:28:00.000-04:00

Since the week has progressed, I have put in approximately 6 hours of training exercise....the week will end on Sunday to total approximately 16-17 hours. This total includes road(like) riding, mountain bike training, mountain bike racing, running and free weight exercises. It is probably the most accumulative number of hours in 1 week that I have devoted to athletic training before.
Granted, I have the time to put in more...but this is an increase from the previous week....and I do plan to increase a bit more ...or at least with more intensity, as time permits....but one has to remember the idea, 'brick by brick'. My body is not quite used to beating. I feel good but my muscles are tired by the end of it all. So everything seems to be in order.

I had a big think while on a few of my rides and runs this week revolving around the topic of my unemployment. It is strange but as "bummed out" as I say I am regarding the lack of a job (as I feverishly send in carefully written applications every morning), I really am not. That is to say, I feel some emotional stress that I have financial obligations that I need to adhere to sometime soon, but that I feel even more emotional exhilaration at the concept of how free I am. When will I ever get the chance to train this hard for my personal goal of trying to become an athlete? I used to be a fat kid when I was in elementary school. I never did sports. I was a bookish nerd (OK, I still am - just broadening my horizons!). This is cool! Look at me now! And the freedom to write and read and dabble in artistic things I never seemed to have time for. It is a breath of fresh air. I have the time to think about things. The time to just be with myself and learn more about me. And also the time to figure out how not to have to return to that life....and to stay in this one.....if I want it...I would have to work hard to get it...but honestly, just like I would have to work hard in the "other" world that I so wish to stay away from....so what is the logical deduction from this? The simplest solution must be the answer. Both require dedication and hard work. One path is easier to open the first door, but yet more difficult to open subsequent doors. The other path is more difficult in opening that first door...but once it is open...passion will carry through. The first path...passion as well....but passion must be there...and if it is not?

The choices I have made recently have made me realize that I'm not really afraid anymore of walking off cliff's of great risk. As I feel there is nothing to lose. And I am not geographically or emotionally attached to anything or anywhere....so......

DNF....Not The Best End to the Week!

2009-08-31T14:11:00.000-04:00

The last Ontario Cup of the season was yesterday. That certainly snuck up fast! 7 come and gone already! I feel disappointed in myself when I look back to see how many Ontario Cup's I missed this year. One, I was in Whistler, another I was in Quebec, and another was just so rained out, I couldn't be bothered. I think my fitness level wouldn't have been such a struggle if I had been more consistent with my races. This is a goal for next year - to plan around the O'Cups. Because my disappointing finish to yesterday's race was a testament to all the things I did wrong this season.

It was a cold, grey, drizzly day for the race yesterday. I didn't feel like I was on par with the majority of the racers in my category and I felt sloppy on course at race pace. I couldn't tell if everyone pulling away from me on the first climb out of the Start gate was a result of people going too hard off the start, only to later slow down, and me being the only one wanting to pace myself for the climbs and go hard later....or if I was really just that slow. I tried hammering down the pedals a little harder but I think it was too late. And the pulse of my own race died from there. Unfortunately, the last nail in that coffin was also not one I would have expected. My left contact fell out halfway through my lap! I couldn't see as a result (no depth perception) and I had to DNF.

I certainly felt crummy after that race, but my day soon brightened as I focused on the rest of my team. Paul's race was next. And did he ever give'er! I know he was feeling great about the course from the preride, but wow. Almost top 10 in his first season and year riding. Sometimes people like that really irk me - you know, being able to get so far, so far, in the first year of riding...when I seem to struggle along endlessly. I haven't even been able to get to mid-pack yet. But then I remind myself that I've had really inconsistent training this season and I have absolutely nobody to blame but myself. Plus I don't think I could be irked at Paul, at least, anyways - because not only does he deserve it (for CONSISTENT training) but because that was an absolutely awesome performance! THe whole team was so stoked for him. And the rest of the team did amazing in their races later that day, too. It made standing in the freezing cold in the Feedzone up on that hill all day, all worth while.

I went to bed really early last night and got up fairly early today. I spent the morning applying to more jobs. I'm starting to feel really bummed out about the job situation right now because I'm hurting financially. I just need a 1 year contract to get me through until next year, as I'm applying for teacher's college. Around 11, the anxiety was getting to me, so I took a break and went for a 1 hour run and did some free weights and core exercises afterwards. The rest of my day is starting to wind down rather quickly. I need to do a few errands and I'm supposed to have a 2 hour training ride tonight around 5pm. I've eaten oatmeal with lots of fruit in it for 2 meals already so I better get out there.....but honestly that's all that I've got for groceries at the moment lol. Gotta do what ya gotta do when the money runs down.

But what a gorgeous looking day today. Hope that truly lasts the rest of the week.

I'm still alive and kicking!

2009-08-29T17:06:00.001-04:00

It's funny how you can get distracted by something new and then neglect the old important things. It's usually a bad thing.
And in my case, I think it was definitely a bad thing. My training and racing suffered immensely and I didn't see a lot of good things that I had staring at me in the face all along, either. On the positive note, I did have some good adventures...but...now I feel like I'm starting from scratch on my mountain bike training again. And of course I also just feel plain silly about hte other things! However, at the same time, the weather for July-August was utter crap and I think that helped along my distraction. Anyway - there's no point in dwelling on it. I took a break from riding/racing for almost a month, pretty much.

Since my last posts....I went to Whistler & the North Shore for my birthday to visit friends and ride big bikes. That was a long weekend that went by way too fast. But it was just so nice to see everyone again. And fabulous weather...and then after that, I participated in only a smattering of races. The Ontario Cup at Boler (Bump) Mountain went well. However, I did slide out in a corner in the first lap while trying to keep pace with the faster women, which resulted in me being passed by the entire train of racers. I struggled to get back on the course amongst the people while my confidence slowly shattered. I fell behind. But I tried really hard and I felt good physically when I finished the race. And I couldn't stop smiling when I saw the whole Long Sault gang camped out on the course cheering for me and Samantha for our race.

The 24 Hours Summer Solstice in July was next...and it ended up being cancelled around midnight due to torrential rain. The course conditions were crazy. But I had fun camping with my team. We tried to make the best of it. And we even managed to get a fire going that night. I also did a 35 km half-marathon in the Marathon MTB Series....which I think ended up being the race to put me off any near-future races. I discovered my Specialized Epic Expert was no longer locking out. I think all the air blew out of the shock or something (however you say it) and it was a pretty uncomfortable race to finish. I also left that race (damn Ganaraska!) with poison ivy...which over the course of the week, destroyed both of my legs. I couldn't even wear shorts for almost 4 weeks. A whole month gone right there. :(
I ended up in Montreal and back home for that month. I did get out on a really cool bike ride from Beaconsfield to Vieux Montreal while I was there - a beautiful 70 km roundtrip on bike paths along the water in Montreal. Amazing!! I left at 4pm and got back at 8:30 pm!

As far as current life goes, I'm between jobs as my contract with BMW ended and I'm looking for my next adventure. I've been doing some camping with long rides with Paul, in the meantime, to get my fitness and riding level back up....though, that's not quite entirely why we're camping/riding, though!! :p I chipped in a lap for a corporate team at the 24 Hour Hot August Nights race the previous weekend and camped/supported my team, Long Sault Long Shots, who put in a super-fast 8 man that finished in 2nd place, too. That was a really, really fun weekend :)

I've been a lot more focused on training in the last 2 weeks. And my life, despite the situation, is feeling more settled now that I'm back in Ajax. I've got someone in my life and being back in the riding community has been so good. Things are slowly getting better. I think I put in about 8 hours on the bike this week. Plus a couple hours of running, too. And 1-2 hours of strength training. I'm trying to make the most positive use of my free time right now. I participated in the Durham Forest race series this week and I felt really happy with how I finished. Definitely a lot of room for improvement ....but even that race performance felt like an improvement from just the last month! So things are looking up.

My challenge right now is getting through Ontario Cup #7 on Sunday. It's a tough course to me. I've gone to pre-ride it twice now. There's some sections I simply can't get my bike up and over. There's a lot of long, steep climbing, also. I was also going to add that the downhills felt a little hairy to my surprise, too, but then I realized yesterday after riding - after having it pointed out - that my fork had been locked for the entire pre-ride. That was so silly. But I felt so relieved after realizing that, you have no idea!

The weather should actually turn out to be good. I'm going to do my best.

Need to Update!

2009-05-26T06:34:00.001-04:00

I was so busy over the weekend and I just haven't had the time to sit down and write anything.
I think I'm recovered now. There was a lot of sleep catching up going on yesterday! I raced the Spring Epic 8 Hour with 2 guys from my team and we ended up coming 2nd place out of 10 teams. Lots to say about that day. I don't think I got home until almost midnight ha ha! Then I got up super early in the morning to drive to Montreal. Well, Cornwall. I met someone in Cornwall and went the rest of the way to Montreal for the day. It was fantastic. It was just the adventure I needed.
It was a good weekend. Now I'm rested up from yesterday and I gotta get out on my bike tonight to keep training. The race motivated me to keep going....keep going...keep going....

What's the point of celery?

2009-05-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

Seriously......I put peanutbutter and dried cranberries on some sticks of celery.
....I'm still hungry. Maybe if I put peanut butter on apple slices next...

Today is my recovery day. I'm too sore and stiff to do much of anything at all. I could barely walk today. Kinda surprising. But my I keep busting the same knee over and over. I don't remember landing on it on the weekend, specifically, but it feels like someone took a sledgehammer to it.

I went to the grocery store after work and made a concerted effort to continue the plan to revitalize my eating habits.
I bought only vegetables, fruit, milk, some ground turkey, cold cut chicken, and one loaf of natural bread. I bought hummus to force myself to eat more vegetables. No boxed anythings. No commercial nothings. No processed whatevers. We shall see!!

I've just been mellowing out. I got some stuff done and read a book. My life has been really quiet the last little while. And honestly, sometimes I prefer social silence than stupid social drama. I'd rather hang out with my dog and my bike and myself.

I looked at the calender and I go to Whistler at the end of next week. Coming up fast. I can't wait, that will be so much fun.
I can't wait to see everyone. Been a long time. :-)

I want to ride more, but my legs won't move anymore

2009-05-18T19:24:00.000-04:00

I think I rode about 7+ hours the last 2 days. I want to ride more right now because it's still so sunny and nice out, but I'm so physically tired and kinda sore that I don't know if I could push the bike anymore. Or get up off the couch at this point.
I had a fun ride at Albion Hills today. Made another good adjustment with the bike, too. I was still feeling like the rear was being bucked on the descends...a feeling I'm not used to nor do I like. We stopped near a group of guys riding and a bike shop mechanic fella happened to be among them. He said there was no sag at all with me sitting on the bike. They let out air in the rear shock and then made it softer. I have no idea what they did to do that but they did it and yaaaa!! So much better! I pre-load and sprung off of this little log drop and landed both wheels and rode onwards with the biggest grin ever! Descents and everything felt so much better. Matt gave me some great tips for cornering, too. And I just had a great ride. The only trip up I was having today (besides being tired from yesterday and my knee throbbing) was the steeper switchbacky twists on some of the trails at Albion. I'm still braking wayyyy too much. So tense! Yarr!! It's gonna get better, though! My climbing is getting so much stronger, too, holy smoking hotdogs! I stood and hammered a few good long, steepish climbs to a point where I was almost in shocked amazement!...that I could keep going and going like that! My legs couldn't do that before!

Not really sure what else to say. Back to work again tomorrow...

I'm so hungry!

How many calories does mountain bike training/racing burn because I can't stop feeling hungry all the time, gah!

2009-05-18T07:10:00.000-04:00

I'm just eating breakfast, checking my email, and typing up a quick bloggie.
I'm going to Albion Hills today with Matt for a few hours. It's absolutely fantastic outside - and no wind!
Yesterday, I opted out of the Marathon race on account of all the rain the day before and the 2 degree temperatures (and FLURRIES?? they were calling for?). I went up to Hardwood Hills with teammate Joey instead for some good training. We did a first lap of the Canada Cup before lunch, after spending 30 minutes figuring out that I bent something out of alignment on the derailleur. That's why I wasn't able to shift well at the Thursday night race and why it was skipping and stuff. The first lap sucked. All because I thought it sucked. I was totally not in the right place in my head. I was noticing things about my bike that were making me feel awkward on more technical, tight descents and in narrow singletrack: my handlebars are way too wide and my bike fit has me sitting way too far back. I'm already at the end of my rope when I'm back on a descent and I feel out of control on the front end. In corners, I feel out of control on the front end. I feel too far back and the steering was choppy.
I was riding terribly! I felt terrible! Like Steve Peat said in that one DVD, "I felt like I had a pair of pants over my head!" But the course is really challenging, I thought. They made it a lot more challenging than last year. It's pretty much the 2 hardest trails Hardwood even has merged together for the course. Aaaanyway, we breaked for lunch, got my bike fixed, adjusted the grips and shifters and brakes on my handlebars so it simulate them being cut, and I tried to drink a lot more water. I put some eload in my next water bottle. I was wondering if maybe I was just deyhrated and low on blood sugars. I felt a ton better. Then we had a great idea - we started from the easiest trail and worked our way up by level of trail. It was great because it gave me a good 3 hours to work on developing speed in the singletrack and practicing cornering and flow and stuff. Joey told me that I should stand more in the singletrack. Holy cow talk about more power and speed ! My body positioning was obviously way better standing the entire time. I just didn't stand the entire time because it makes me so freaking tired, especially cuz you have to be more diligent shifting. It's easier on a downhill bike when you aren't pedaling so much....Now I know what to work on for strength. Now I know why they are always telling me to do hill repeats standing, ewww..
So we had a good 4 hours of riding in at Hardwood. It was a good day! Cold, cold, wind though!

Looks like no windiness today though, wahoo! I hate wind!

OK gotta get my gear, Albion time....

"We don't have time for your negative style, no we don't, no we don't"

2009-05-15T23:26:00.000-04:00

Time is considered a physical system of measurement...but sometimes it feels completely undefined. Like fast and slow all at the same time. How can that even be? You can't drive a car fast and slow all at once? 7.5 hours at work seems like an eternity and the 7.5 hours prior to bed feels like 5 seconds! It's not like the idea is new or anything. Like "Kappa effect" and "Tau effect"
But that's what my week felt like. There's so much I wanted to do and just so little time to do it in. I also felt really, really tired again. I really hope there's nothing wrong with me and that it's just my body adjusting to all the training outside.

On Monday, I went to Durham Forest just for skill sessioning. On Tuesday, I went to Durham Forest to try to beat my lap time from last week's weekly race...I managed to shave off 1.5 minutes. Still not good enough at all. But what can I seriously expect after one week?? On Wednesday, I had an awesome fun mountain bike ride with Eden and TJ. It was just what I needed. I think I was getting too stressed out with what happened last week and the after effects of those comments to my training. I was training so hard and focusing so intensely that I was actually making no progress and riding worse. That's the crazy thing about this sport, you have to be completely relaxed mentally. Me and Eden actually had a really interesting chat about what it takes to be a fast mountain bike racer...and it's that almost strange dichotomy of being both aggressive and yet chill all at the same time. It's so hard to balance both to me! Thursday was the race series. I almost didn't go. I guess I was afraid of a few people being there that would ruin my night. I was just starting to really feel at home with the XC community here and I was terrified of it being all taken away from me. What is it with cyclists and drama here? Maybe we were always just too drunk or exhausted from Whistler and stuff back in BC to bother with social drama, but holy moly. I don't know why I attract so many loony toons. I just want to ride my bike and have a laugh.

The night turned out to be way better than I had anticipated. I regret waiting around for so long at home (even though the heart-to-heart with my housemate and her bf was pretty funny) before I went, because at least I would have had water for my race and a pre-ride!! I got there and was pretty rushed to get to the top, there wasn't enough time for a preride and I had forgotten my waterbottle at home. As I guessed, that one person was there and didn't say a word to me and pretty much pretended that I wasn't even there. Which was funny because nobody else around did. Everyone was talking to me and involving me and I felt so relieved. I wanted to say something but I just couldn't be bothered. I didn't know what it would solve. As my dad always says, "Who's the fool, the fool? or the fool that argues with the fool." I still have no clue as to why that person turned on me like this...like we've only known each other for a month or two....what the heck... but apparently the rest of the team has no idea why that person has turned on them, too. I just feel really betrayed, is all. And once again, naive in the light of someone lying to my face for the last month. Other than that, the race was brutal for me. I was so parched, wishing so much that I had not forgotten my water, and my chain was skipping and making crazy crunchy sounds. All I could hear in my head was the echo of the comment that person had sent in an email. I felt slow. I was riding slow. I was letting people pass me. I took a wrong turn where there were no arrows on a fork in the trail. I felt my heart sink. There was a brief moment in that race where I wanted to stop and ride off in another direction and just go home. I knew that person would pass me at one point and I'd feel even worse. And they did. But it was only that person with that attitude. And it was my choice to be affected.

I pushed harder down on the pedals and put out of my mind the fact that I was really dehydrated and the crap from last week. I had to stop letting it bother me!! It was a short race and I could drink afterwards. And regardless of how I was performing, all I could do, was just do the best I could do in that moment there and every week, I would get better. I passed a few people and tried to focus on the positive of that. When the fast guys started passing, I could hear them before they were on me and I moved out of the way for them. Everyone was really positive and cheerful. I finished the race and felt fine. I had a great time talking with everyone at the end for like an hour. I didn't even notice when that person left. I realized how much I loved this team when we were all up on the top talking before driving off back home. So supportive and encouraging and funny! I felt so good after and so much better!! I was so glad I got out there.

I've also made a difficult decision to offer my spot up on the DH team....and focus on XC and scale back the DH thing. Better for my sanity. I'm not right for this team, now that I have seen what it's actually all about. There are stronger racers out there to show off these bikes. I'm also starting to make improvements in my training for XC and I really want to keep it up...and I need the time and space to focus on it. I had no idea how taxing both disciplines would be, physically and mentally. I can still pursue DH racing for sure, and I don't intend to quit, but I need to go at my own pace. Maybe a couple DH races and the rest of the SuperD's. I'm not at the level required for that team in light of the other racers out there who maybe weren't looking for a team back in November when the team was looking and I am not ashamed to have discovered that this season. I think there are better racers on the series to take my place for the DH who would better reflect that team. I think there are a few who are willing to take it. I hope it all works out. I am glad I put that offer on the table. It's the best thing for everyone. And I'll go at it at my own pace, which was what I wanted to do in the first place, and get to that level in my own time.

Overall, I guess the last 2 weeks have felt like a real bummer. But after Thursday night, things are looking up. I don't feel bad about my choice in befriending people and being me at all. My outlook is better and I've seen that I do have friends here and that I am doing quite alright! I was starting to wonder if I should pack my bags and go back to BC ha ha. Work is going well and I'm hoping to stay at the company. I like where I live. I really love my (OCA) team. I really like riding. And I'm going to get better. And those comments were the comments of 1 person who has apparently (so the team has told me) gone psycho batsh!t bonkers on everyone else, too. I still wish it hadn't happened and that it be apologized for, so things would be less weird, but what can ya do.

On Friday, I tried to figure out what to do for the weekend. I got home and had a snack and went for a snooze. It was great! When I got up, I cleaned up and went to grab some groceries. I had this insane craving for pizza for the last few weeks. I decided to do it!!!! Lazy friday night eating pizza and drinking wine and watching movies! I haven't done that in....well maybe forever! It was good to just relax and lie on the couch. My muscles are so tense and kinda sore, I admit....

This weekend was a slight bust. I was trying to figure out what kind of adventure I could have over the long weekend. You always feel so odd about the May 2-4 weekend because the media try to emphasis that it's the long weekend where you gotta get away, have bbq's with friends, go to events, etc. And here I am, no real plans at all. I thought about going to Quebec for the Canada Cup but my friends were unable to go. I'd go alone but the weather was going to be poor so it wouldn't have been as relaxing. Better to do those sorts of things in those situations with friends. I don't even have a bike to attempt the Horseshoe DH race with this weekend anyways, either. I thought about going home for part of the weekend and just staying in the area to go riding on the nice days...but then my friend Holly psyched me up for doing that new Marathon Mountain Bike race at Horseshoe this weekend that another teammate is doing. I decided to go for it because it would be really good training. I'm trying to do more training rides that are in shorter duration, like the length of my O'Cups, with more climbing to strengthen my weaknesses. It's supposed to have a lot of climbing, eep! Joey also said he'd be keen for the race so now there's a bunch of us. It will be very painful but it will be good to be out there with friends riding bikes. It's raining today. I'm sitting on the couch in my pajamas, thinking about food.

I was reading about this Paleo Diet for Athletes last night, as I was fulfilling a long-time craving for pizza (those Delicio rising crust pizzas are strangely satisifying) and reading a lot of B.S. about carbs and what foods we should be eating. I agree that we should be eating more natural foods (bad bad pizza!) but give me a f-cking break....I studied paleolithic archaeology in university. You think early hominids ate lean white chicken breasts and egg whites and the like? Try wild animals and lots of FAT and marrow. Are you foraging for your own wild plants, fruits and vegetables? Because let me remind you that thousands and thousands of years of farming has stripped the original nutrition once found in fruit/vegetable matter. So in a way...we've been forced to fortify foods. So you can think you're being all "paleo", but you're not.

And not only that, but WHICH early hominids are we talking about? We're talking about different eating habits all over the world. Humans eat everything and anything. We don't have a specific diet. You can't get a "paleo" diet tailored to the human being because humans have adapted to different eating habits from the arctic to Africa. We're here in the 21st century because we figured out how to get the nutrition out of things available to us, like grain and vegetables that our systems can digest better. We're not trying to survive, we're training for races or using our brains in intense matters ("brain tissue requires 22 times the energy of skeletal muscle"). If you want to eat plain porridge, the paleo diet for athletes makes you even feel bad about that. Well ya know what, we've been eating porridge-like foods for the last 10,000 years that we can absolutely sure of. And that can probably be stretched back a few hundred thousand years, its just that the archaeology gets a little more sketchy. And you think humans used to run?? Humans are NOT built for running. The human body was designed for long distance walking. Running is terrible on our joints. And we certainly didn't ride/race mountain bikes in the paleolithic. We don't even know the social systems that existed in humans back in the paleolithic, so how can you tailor a "paleo diet" for the modern human? Like I said, we're not trying to survive - we're trying to perform. Grains are easily digestible, takes less calories to digest and consume - leaving more energy for performance, and they maintain glucose stores more effectively for physical exertion. OK, if you're sitting on your ass all day and you do absolutely nothing, then eating a lot of grain in your diet makes no sense. And eating natural grains is obviously more effective...hence why I cut out boxed cereals for a bag of oats. But screw you, I'm not giving up natural breads and oatmeal! My blood sugar drops like a stone if I eat only meat, plants, vegetables and fruit. I'd have to eat a ridiculous amount of fruit just to level off the dizziness I get with my blood sugar. Add a little oatmeal to those bananas and almonds and I feel so much better.

Just go with what works for you. You're a human. Be resourceful. :-)

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=cooking-up-bigger-brains

Ummm.........what was I talking about before I went on this tangent?
Oh well - it's stopped raining so now I'm going to think about riding my bike later.

"Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory."

2009-05-14T06:38:00.000-04:00

It's easy to get discouraged when you get out there every day and feel like you never make any progress, never get faster and see everyone around you riding at a higher level. And when you're far behind in lap times. And when people say or imply discouraging things.
It's the hardest part of the journey. But just need to keep plugging at it and let the rain storm pass over. I'll get there one day. Just gotta keep getting back on the bike.

You Do It To Yourself, You Do

2009-05-12T06:41:00.000-04:00

Wow. Crazy stuff happening with the team. I still don't know what it's all about. I still don't even understand the reasoning of that person. It's unfortunate that it was a gun to the head, than to anyone else. It was the craziest, most self-destructive move ever. Was it intentional? Or was it just confused, overwhelmed emotion coupled with a rash, bad, choice? I don't know. I know with absolute confidence that I didn't do anything or intend anything. But I really liked that person a lot. I'm so disappointed because I was really having fun.... but I can't even figure out what went wrong. It's too bad. It really is. But as my teammate says, it's about them, not me. Still sucks though. And I'm not taking what was done/said personally because I know they didn't truly mean it. I don't believe that.

Yesterday was a really difficult day at work. I was so tired. My face is so sun burnt that it was making me really cold all day (so my co-worker says, drawing the blood from the rest of my body). I also felt fairly ill. Sun stroke, sort of thing. I am foolish for not thinking about sunscreen on Sunday, but I guess with the cooler weather and the rain/clouds, you just let it slip your mind. I came home and had a snooze to regain some energy. I had purchased multi vitamins over the weekend, finally, so hopefully that will help. They are standard, normal, multi vitamins, but chewable ! Finally! Progress! I hate swallowing pills. I'm so excited about them ha ha.

I drove up to Durham Forest for a quick ride at 7pm. I had the concept of shorter, intenser training sessions from my chat with my teammate....but I decided I really needed a day where all I did was work on skill. I went to Superfly and worked on some sections that I was getting stalled out on - a few techy climbs and a tight switchback between 2 trees and a ton of roots with a sharp, sharp right turn I was missing. I realized near the end how tense my arms were getting through corners and saw a huge difference when I completely relaxed them. It's so hard to break bad habits. The tight switch back is still challenging me. I can get through it if I semi-track stand and turn and go...I tried to turn my body into the turn so my bike would follow but there's a bunch of off cambered roots that I sort of slide out on if I hug that close to the tree.....I need to go back to it...there was a higher line but I was avoiding it because I've seen other people use this one... anyway... It was a really beautiful sunny day, but the temperature really dropped that evening.

I stopped off at the grocery store for a few things and went home to clean up my room and do laundry. Yes, an exciting end to my day.

DH O'Cup #2 is coming up this weekend and I'm feeling that I won't be racing that one either. On account of having no DH bike. My Trance is sold and I have not heard a word about my new Xprezo GamJam. I'm figuring I'll go cheer and head off to Whistler at the end of the month and come back a little stronger to tackle those DH courses with more success. I can't wait to finally finish my first DH race - I'm going to be so happy. It's going to be a lot of work but I know I can do it.

Other than that....just going with the flow of life as it is. I've started to work on writing my book again. We'll see.

And now...for some senseless bike humour....

2009-05-10T21:37:00.000-04:00

It was not one of my better weeks, that's for sure. Though I'm glad that I didn't stress myself out over it. I'm starting to notice how good I am getting with that. Letting it roll off my back. I mean, honestly what's the point in getting upset or worried? It doesn't solve anything, anyways.

Saturday was a pure recovery day. I was so exhausted from the week and the unfortunate turn of events on Friday. I was thinking about actually sleeping in, but doggie's cold nose against my nose woke me up at 7:45 am. I managed to ignore him for a bit. He gave up for about a half an hour before his fuzzy face was literally in my face again. I went downstairs and ground up some coffee beans/made some coffee and had breakfast with some good old news. Outside, it started to pour rain. An hour later, it cleared up and I took Neron for a really long walk on the sidewalk. He barely had the energy to make it back. He's so silly like that. We could walk one-way forever because he's so excited to go, but acts really disappointed if I turn him around to go back...but if I don't turn him around to go back...we'd never get home! Because he can't last longer than an hour. But he constantly stops, pulls towards the road and stares across the street the entire way back.

I didn't do much else. I felt like I was a walking zombie. So out of it. So zoned out. I watched Kung-Fu Panda on the digital cable and later found myself asleep for the next 2 hours. I got up and had this crazy craving for Cornflakes with sliced bananas. Leave me alone!! It only has 2 g of sugar! I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garage with the garage doors open. Neron lying on the driveway watching me. I took everything out of Fitty and cleaned it out, vaccumed and washed. I went to nana and grampy's afterwards for supper and a chat. I drove me and nana to Canadian Tire/mall afterwards for some things. I got my mum a mother's day gift. I got new windshield wipers that are meant for rain! Mine were smearing so bad on Friday that I could barely see. I got home and my dad helped me install them. They are amazing!! I'm so stoked about them. By that point, I was packing up and getting ready for the race the next day and hanging out with my parents watching Top Gear.

I went to bed way too late - but it was my fault for leaving everything to do until the end of the day. My dad woke me up at 4:50 am on Sunday on his way to work (day shift). I hugged him goodbye and then crawled back into bed. 10 more minutes right? WRONG. I fell asleep and my alarm didn't go off! I got up at 5:45 SCRAMBLING to get dressed, grab breakfast, let the dog out and rush out the door. It was too late. I knew I was 30 minutes behind schedule on the road. I was booking it at a reasonable limit but by the time I hit the 427 turn off from the 407...well....I knew I wasn't going to make it. Well I might have made it. But I would have for sure been late to start. And rushed. And omg I had to go to the washroom so bad I had had too much coffee! I knew that my teammate Joey had told me on Saturday night that he couldn't find a ride to the race. I tried to offer a ride but to make my race I'd have to leave at 4am. Obviously he said no way! So at this point, since he raced at 11:30, I figured...if I was going to miss my race, at least I could get someone else from my team to their race! So I called him up and told him to get his gear together cuz he was goin' racing! And I'd be there in 30 minutes. I got Joey and we were off to the races, litereally, haha. We got there just in the nick of time, with a Timmy's stop, and I got up to the feedzone where I'd spend pretty much the whole day. My face is all sun burned, doh! The race course was horribly muddy and everyone looked like they had turned brown and grey!

I fed for about 6 people today. Everyone seemed really happy. Some people said I'm really good at it and its nice to not be stressed for their race wondering if they'd miss their feed. That made me feel pretty good. I really enjoy doing that for everyone. I heard some strange and disturbing news from a few teammates, though, and I wondered if my weekend could sink any lower (as far as occuring events). But beyond that news, actually the day was really, really good. And even some personal surprises. I felt pretty happy and at peace even though I totally missed out on the race and threw out the window my goal of completing the whole O'Cup XC series. After everyone went home, I pulled my Epic off my bike rack, undid the lock, and went for an easy ride on the dry portions of the race course with Joey. I felt really sloppy and awkward at first, no doubt a reflection of the disturbing news I had heard earlier. The more we rode, though, the smoother my riding became and the bigger the smile on my face became. I still felt really off and reflected later that maybe it was good that I missed my race (plus all of the mud, omg!) but I was glad that Joey convinced me to go for at least a small mountain bike ride after the race. I did feel a ton better. And the sun was shining.

I drove home after dropping him off and grabbed a chicken salad from Wendy's. I've just been chilling out on the couch now in my pajamas with some popcorn (if you don't own an airpopper, dear god, buy one!) and tea and feeling almost ready for bed. I'm disappointed that I'm back at work tomorrow after not feeling very good about my weekend. But oh well. Life throws curve balls like that and there's nothing I can do about it. Now it's the past. Tomorrow's a mystery. And right now's the present...and I've just started to quote a scene from Kung-Fu Panda so I'm going to stop while I'm ahead...but I'll get my bike stuff all together and get lots of riding in every night.

For now, all I want to do is sleep.

2009-05-09T01:35:00.000-04:00

Today was weird. Everything went wrong. Weird stuff kept happening. What a day.
I just got home. I missed my pre-ride tonight and it took me 6 hours to drive back to my parents house, door to door anyways. I like how I can track storms on my iphone with the weather radar. That phone entertains me greatly. I'm all jacked up on sugary Tim Horton's cafe mocha and feeling really bad that my dad waited up for me when he has to get up in 4 hours to go to work tomorrow morning. At least he cares about me, though! You really learn to appreciate family as you get older.

Anyway. It's still really warm and humid outside and it's 1:30 am. Fat Black Doggie's fur coat is very light and fluffy and he seems happy about it. He must have been to the doggie parlour.

I'd feel blase but I don't. I will have to race on Sunday with the course being a surprise. At least I won't be bored of the course and it will entertain me - to see what's around each corner.
Apparently the Brain on my Epic isn't working either. It's not locking out.

Sometimes I do think I live on an island...and that I should be charging admission for those who come on to it. And that I should also develop a deportation system too. Like....exiled in the desert or walk the plank sort of thing.
Need to work these things out.

I'll go to bed first.

2009-05-06T19:27:00.000-04:00

Hell, I love being me.

I had my vacation approved today and my heart is bursting with excitement to go back to Whistler and to see my friends. I appreciate them all so much more after being away from them for 6 months. It's like that with anything. It was vice versa when I was living there. We sometimes get so consumed with what's in front of us, that we forget what's around us.

I took a few recovery days from the weekend. I'm feeling better and a little stronger. I've been sleeping a lot lately, though. I've been feeling really tired. I might invest in some multivitamins again. I'm not sure what's up, but I think I've been sleeping a lot more lately than I should be. Either way, I'm really looking forward to some good XC riding tomorrow.

I think I have the Trance X2 sold and ready to go. Someone in Calgary bought it. I just have to get the borrowed Juicy 3 brakes off of it and replace my nice short DH stem with its original XC stem. I'll take it to the shop and get it packed to ship. Looking forward to my new GamJam, though I will miss the Trance and all the fun we had together.

I'm preriding Albion for my XC O'Cup #2 on Friday with high hopes that the rain isn't too bad. From there, I will drive back home to finish the rest of the night, as well as Saturday, relaxing at my home in the country with the family. I can't wait. I love relaxing at home. It's so peaceful and spacious and quiet. I'm going to take my doggie for the longest walk ever. I'm also going to give Fitty a very much needed cleaning, after all the dirt and sand that those races and rides have accumulated on the inside.

That's it....I'm going to Whistler.

2009-05-05T21:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life makes me weary. It frightens me to sit for too long pondering in the event that the heavy awareness of infinite pointlessness weighs me down into some kind of dark depression. Nothing is inherently anything. And nothing I say has any inherent meaning either because they're words, vocal symbols, used in a human's feeble attempt to express something that our brains are too stupid to comprehend anyways. So you gotta ask yourself the question - if nothing has any inherent meaning and neither does anything we think and say, what's the point of your life? What motivates you to get up every day? What interests you about other people? Do you even think at all? Or are you staring at your feet as you walk?
Whatever you do with your life, you're going to die at the end of it and nothing of what you accomplished or acquired will go with you in that moment you leave your body.

I don't think I've ever fit in anywhere, my whole life, with anyone or anything. Everyone is so focused on this life. And I'm not quite there. I have vivid memories as a 3 year old in Nursery school, as well as later in Kindergarden, consciously expressing this to myself. I've tried to go along with people and things my whole life, just to feel what it feels like to be a part of something or with other people. My WHOLE life. Like I was trying to figure out a basic function of being human. I've had few close friends over my life who've ever really 'known' me. It's difficult. I find no interest in what people say or do in their daily affairs. It's like talking about ants. I try talking about such things, too, but find no interest in even anything I say. It's like verbal garbage I've just got used to using for the sake of the fact everyone else does it. And I don't think I'd have any friends at all if I didn't. But I'm self sufficient in making myself happy because well, I've never really had anyone so I don't rely on anyone or thing for that. But find it inwardly conflicting and frustrating when I see how everyone else relies on someone or something to sustain their happiness. Everyone seems so connected and sustained by their social networks and daily routines. Everyone seems to care so MUCH about what they're doing and what they're saying. I can't connect. Nor do I understand the point of being or acting like so many people do....it doesn't really seem to get them anywhere in a way that makes them feel good, so what's the point? And I don't get it, so...keep it away from me.

I think life can bore me immensely sometimes because I feel so disconnected with everyone . I don't really feel anything. I'm generally pretty happy and keen - but that's just my attitude that I believe I don't HAVE to feel bored with life. I can make it interesting on my own. I don't believe it has to be static and I don't need anyone to make it interesting. I do whatever I can do to incite some life into life!! ...But It's just that inside, I'm starving. I don't feel anything. Nothing makes me feel anything. People don't make me feel anything. Nothing I say or do makes me feel anything. I'm constantly seeking to feel something. I like meeting people, being around people and friends because sometimes I feel something. But it's like a tangent to a curve that never touches. And sometimes when I think that I've finally found something or someone....I later see how much I was apparently fooling myself. Or rather that they were fooling me. And the older I get, the more apparent it becomes. And the more I feel like some ghost floating on the sidelines. Sooo....I dabble in this and I dabble in that, trying to taste everything life and human society can offer. Might as well. From art to playing multiple instruments, to writing, to reading, to history, to science, to running and outdoor sports, to travel and cooking to just sleeping....I'm all over everything. Intrigued by the variety, not appeased by a single thing. Why stop at one thing when there's so much out there? How can people remain so static their whole lives doing the same things, talking about the same things?

Most of all, I try to step back and quiet the old mind and remind myself that, it is what it is. I'm here so make the most of it. Maybe one day life will just click. Maybe things will fall into place and not feel so strange and foreign. For now I try to find the pleasures in the things that I have and the things that I can do.

I think I mountain bike because its one of the few times I'm not thinking about these things, and I'm actually *feeling* something. I like that it is something that I can develop that doesn't involve talking. It pushes me physically and mentally to become something my body/mind was not before I began. It's fast, it's difficult, it's painful and yet satisfying. And it connects me with other people in a different way. You shouldn't need to talk or have a routine agenda with another person to connect with them.

Maybe I just can't stay inside the lines. Maybe that's what drives me in this life. Maybe it's what I need.
All I know is that I don't want to be like other people. So it makes it rather difficult to connect with anyone at all.

Right now, I feel like getting up and just going. It feels good. Reminds you that everything going on around you is trivial. And that everyone else can remain locked in their consuming pursuit of their trivialities if they want, but that you don't have to. So, I booked a ticket back to Vancouver to spend some time in Whistler during my birthday. It will be good to reunite with old friends, who have since really shown me to be true friends as time has passed, and get out there and have some big mountain excitement. I'm really looking forward to it. It's good to be free.

And so I'm reminded of some Black Seed's lyrics
"Be true to yourself, no one is real, trust in life and your nature will lead you there."

Wooaaa - I'm going to Whister.

Stop the Press! I gave up cereal!

2009-05-04T06:26:00.000-04:00

So I've been trying to restructure my eating habits now that I'm training a little harder for mountain biking and racing. Cereal, my staple for pretty much my whole life, was thrown out the window. I couldn't justify it anymore. Way too much sugar. How did I ever justify that for so many years? I guess because I wasn't really eating anything else that was bad, I could get away with it. But seriously - is it just me or are manufacturer's increasing the sugar content every year? I swear that I remember Shreddies having 2-5 g of sugar per serving...and it's now up to 8g! Everything seems to be over 6g of sugar these days for a small 35g of cereal. And kid's cereals? They might as well eat chocolate bars for breakfast, holy crackers:

Cereals laden with sugar, Which? report

Not to mention everything is refined, right down to the grains. Soooo I'm breaking a 12 year old addiction, in the name of superior health! I have been nearly cereal free for a week now. I bought a huge bag of oats and a box of Red River cereal and I've been eating that stuff plain, with no sugar, every morning. If you add in a lot of milk and sliced bananas and dried cranberries, you still get a sugary taste to give it flavour. Cinnamon is good in it, too.

There's a lot less carbohydrate in oatmeal/Red River cereal, too. I'm not saying that as if I was trying to lose weight (ha ha yeah, then I'd disappear) - but I'm saying that because unlike the lot of you out there, I'm actually starving at breakfast and I find I overeat on the cereal because it doesn't fill you up at all. So you can eat way more oatmeal/Red River in that sense, because it inflates with water and seems more filling, and not be topping out at a ridiculous 80g of carbohydrates (which maybe is good if you're going for an immediate hard cardio workout session??). Anyway, there it is...I have done it!...It was difficult...especially you, tasty Vector! Goodbye cereal!

"Only those who go too far can know how far one can go."

2009-05-03T10:31:00.001-04:00

It's now the month of May. I woke up this morning to blinding sunlight and chirping birds. When I groggily rolled off of my bed and stumbled to the window, shielding my eyes as I peered outside, I noticed something 'different'. For a brief moment, I couldn't figure out what it was. I had seen bright, sunny, beautiful mornings before! But it just seemed more intensely beautiful outside than it ever had been. I finally realized, staring at the grass, that it was the blooming of spring that I was noticing. The grass was a lush, glossy, vibrant green. There were little buds growing out of the tree branches. Spring!!!!! And summer!!! Seeing it was like opening a window after having no air.

I took breakfast downstairs by the patio doors so that I could feel the sun on my back. Shortly after, I sat down with my laptop to write up this blog entry. I had been thinking a lot about the week that had just gone by over the last day or so.

I was motivated and inspired by my first Ontario Cup XC race last weekend at Mansfield. I saw the little improvements that you never notice until you're put in a situation like that. I pushed myself all week to get out there for XC rides after work, and even get the DH bike out to a little downhill trail system nearby. The DH ride was the only one that felt awkward. I hadn't been on a ride like that since Bootleg Canyon. I had become a little too accustomed to the more mild feel of a XC ride. The physical pain of pushing the bike. Downhill is short and intense...mentally. If you're not prepared for it, you fail. It was a foreshadow for the weekend. I took a line that looked like it took me over a roller. I went to pump it , in my amateur-way, and quickly realized (as I dumped my front end off the lip) that it was actually a little launch of a jump...that had no other side to it....and so I went over the handlebars. I got up, brushed myself off and laughed it off...but inside, bells were going off. Downhill O'Cup #1 was coming up in a matter of days and I had just dumped my front end off of a little jump. But overall, I was feeling OK. I felt decent in berms, on steep descents, over rocks, and smaller drop offs. I found a rock ledge that I used to practice my form for drop-offs for a half hour or so. I should have felt good leaving the trail system, but I admittedly didn't. Well OK - it didn't help that my Hayes Sucker (Stroker) brakes weren't even working, but still. I also didn't like how I didn't feel like I didn't get a good workout either. I practiced some sprinting in there too, but it didn't feel like enough.

I brought my XC bike that night also, so I rushed off to make a ride at Durham Forest to try and lift my spirits by getting a training session in that felt good. I had been feeling really good on the XC bike lately. I noticed the "E" gaslight on Fitty as I pulled out of the dirt road and hoped to gods that Uxbridge had a gas station close to me. I zipped up Lakeridge and found myself in Uxbridge. I couldn't remember how to get to the newer part where I remember gas stations. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to drive around like a lost fool and the clock was ticking down the hours of daylight. The more time I wasted, the less time I had for another ride. I stopped at a little tiny gas station, filled up, and then dropped by my teammate's house to inquire about why my brakes weren't functioning. There was also no modulation on my Epic's front brake either. I wish I hadn't because I left without improved brakes ha ha. But oh well. You gotta drop in on people when in Rome! It was 8pm when I left and I was still determined to make a ride, despite the disappearing daylight. I stopped in at Durham Forest and went for a quick rip on my favourite little loop that climbed up some sandy singletrack for a bit and then zipped and zig zagged down on a sweet descent. I'm using this little descent to practice throwing myself in a corner (with my new technique I've been practicing hard!!) and then carrying enough speed to pump my bike into the next switchback. I've done it successfully a few times and it was the most amazing feeling! But sometimes I revert to my bad habits and start braking too much and then get sloppy. Well anyway, I did a couple laps of that loop and left just as it was getting dark. I still got home and didn't feel satisfied with my day at all.

The days at work grew more and more restless. I had to constantly remind myself to focus and block it out. But I couldn't help feeling so "off", all week. Nothing seemed to be working out. By Thursday, I was super excited to do my first race at the Thursday Night Durham Forest Weekly Race Series. I brought all of my gear to work and ran to get changed as soon as the clock struck 4:30. The day seemed pretty nice! But they were threatening rain. And it started spitting down as I got in Fitty for the drive. I could have been fuming. By the time I parked at Durham Forest and rode up to the registration, it was pouring. WHY!!!!! All week it had been like that - beautiful all day, and then pouring rain by the time work was done. It was like a mean joke!! Everyone from my team bailed out from even coming to the race and I was there alone with a small group of awesomely dedicated people. It was cold, it was dark, it rained like a torrential downpour and I was soaked and shivering with numb feet 25 minutes before the race even started. And I refused to leave. I was determined to get through it.

The race was like a warzone. You could stand in view of the course's singletrack and watch as the small group of racers quietly and slowly coasted up and down and around the trail through the slick mud and heavy rain. The only sound you could hear was the pelting of rain and the occasional squeal of brakes. After a while, I lost sight of everyone as mud, sand and water got into my eyes and I slid out on a slick descent. I got back on the bike and kept on, occasionally pushing my bike up the climbs, my feet sliding and slipping as I looked for traction. After a while, I got into a rhythm and started feeling pretty good. My body temperature went up, I found a speed that let me pull through the corners without sliding and I regained a little time. The mud and grit in my eyes, though, made the race pretty much impossible for me those as it got into my contacts and pretty much burned and blinded my eyesight. I laughed to myself that I should have worn my downhill goggles that were in my car!! Next time it pours rain, I'm not going to opt out of the race - I'm still going to go to it, but with my downhill goggles and fullface (protection from mud and rain!) and warmer freeride clothes! And I don't give a care what people think haha.

I pretty much wanted to die when I got back to the start. I didn't even win a draw prize! Damness! I tried not to slop mud and water all over Fitty as I covered the driver's seat with some clothes to keep the mud from getting everywhere. I stopped by my teammate's house nearby and knocked on the door, probably looking incredibly pathetic dripping with mud and water and shivering like a popsicle stick. I changed into some of my dry clothes and felt soo much better! The drive home sucked as it was so foggy and the rain just came down harder and harder as I went from Uxbridge back to South Ajax. Steph had pizza out of the oven just as I returned and I didn't even care about healthy food at that point - it was so good and just what I needed. What a booger of a night!

Friday was another beautiful day with rising temperatures. I was so exhausted and tired from Thursday night that I could have passed out on my desk at work, though. I couldn't imagine going for a ride that night. But I intended on riding if the weather held up. Of COURSE, just like the previous day, as soon as I got home, the temperature began to drop like a stone, the winds picked up and the sky clouded over and threatened rain again. It rained. Of course it rained. I went into my room and fell asleep for a few hours. When I got up, I just cleaned up, did laundry, and tried to prepare for Saturday. I was going to get to Kelso to attempt my first preride of the DH O'Cup race course. My first attempt for a DH race. I was pumped up by all my friends and well-wishers who wrote to me to wish me luck for the weekend.

I could barely wake up that morning. I was glad to see the sun was shining, though! I made it out the door around 7:30 am with the hopes I would arrive at Kelso in time to walk the course before the lift opened. Unfortunately, my idea to take the 407 incase the 401 was busy (and I HATE taking my nice bikes over those unfinished stripped highway sections near Liverpool and with all the frigging potholes!) failed as I discovered that it was CLOSED for Saturday. WTF!! I went around on Highway 7 which made me terribly late. I jumped back on the 407 later in Scarborough when it opened up there. By the time I had my bike off and my gear on and I got up to the pit area, it was already 9:15 am. I left my bike with the guys who were going to replace the crappy ass Stroker brakes with Juicy 3's and with a new short stem. It's white and it really stands out on my Trance ha ha, kinda cool looking.

I started feeling really nervous. I felt more nervous as I walked up the course with Ben. I tried not to show it. There were a lot of guys on the course because it was so short. Everything looked easy enough except for a few seconds. The 3 foot log drop off (at least that's what it seemed) unnerved me a little. I hadn't quite mastered the art of launching myself in the air off a drop off and successfully landing it. I wasn't confident in that skill as I was just learning it....and there was no chicken line for me to take on this one. I watched the guys launch it for a long time. I knew how to do it. I knew the form, I knew that I knew how to do it....but COULD I do it? I battled my mind for a long time. I walked up further to the infamous big rock drop off. I watched numerous guys eat sh!t on it. The B-line next to it was steep and very rocky. It be a good one, I wasn't worried about it even though it looked intense. The only other aspect of the course that worried me were...the little jumps...I don't know why I thought I could roll them. They weren't little rollers or tables. They were just lips, pretty much. Some of them meant to be doubled.

When I finally went for my practice run, my lack of dirt jumping skills came back to haunt me. I dumped my front end over the lip of the little jumps as I stupidly tried to pump them. I knew I had to double my speed to air over them but my heart was pounding so hard inside of me. I had never done jumps like this. I could get air on a table but I always landed on the table or the smooth downside of a big table. Forgiving. Totally forgiving. You either had to clear these or you'd trip your bike and crash. I crashed. I stopped off at the rocky, steep b-line as the crowds of guys stopped and started , deciding whether to try the big rock drop off. More of the faster guys were repeating the section near there over and over, so traffic became heavy. I felt like I had a world cup crowd waiting there to see if I was going to crash out on the b-line. It had an awkward drop-in to it that were catching a few people. Finally, when the oncoming traffic had slowed, I tried to block out all the people standing there watching and just go for it. I made it down the b-line without any problem, as I knew I would. It also helped to have properly modulating brakes with the Juicy 3's (did I mention Hayes Stroker's SUCK!??!?!) , too. I felt pretty good on the course again, until I got to the log drop off. Another crowd of guys were there stopped, repeating the line. I stood there for way too long, my heart wanting to stop.

What was I doing here? The question haunted me. Everyone I know had no doubt in them that I could ride downhill or race this course. And I don't know why because most of them had never seen me ride and I had never bigged myself up that I could do it. I was just determined TO do it! As I stood there, watching more guys launch off the drop, I knew that I could be ready to do a course like this with more practice. It was too early in the season for me to be ready to race something like this. I realized that I lacked some downhilling skills that were vital. I couldn't do dirt jumps or air drops that size. I suddenly felt trapped inside of myself. If I walked away, I'd look like a quitter. And I never quit anything. But there's also a difference between quitting, and taking a step back from something you know you don't have the skills for. I wouldn't be quitting - I would be practicing and coming back when I was ready.

My vision re-focused on the trail in the background coming down the forested hill: The SuperD course. Heavens to crackers, what was I thinking! I should have done the SuperD course! I looked at my phone to see it was already almost noon. THere wasn't enough time to change into that race and preride it. I kicked myself. Because I had the most brilliant idea. The SuperD series was still good for points and was just like my XC racing, except without the climbing. That would be perfect for me! Just for now, until I'm stronger in jumping/drops and can return to trying the downhill course. Because honestly, I felt decent on the downhill race course otherwise and it didn't frighten me at all.

A really nice lady standing off on the sides, waiting for her husband, started talking to me. I told her that I was trying to get myself to go for that log drop off. She told me that it was amazing that I was even trying to try something like that and that there was a first time for everything, and that I'd never know until I tried. She sort of inspired me. She also assured me that if I crashed, she'd run over to help me. I laughed but in a funny way, it made me feel better ha ha! So I went for it. Not with a lot of speed but with enough. I pumped up over the hump between the two trees and dropped down towards the lip of the log drop. Standing, I relaxed, pushed the bike out from under me, tipped back a bit to centre myself as the bike came in for the landing. I remember reminding myself to look up and where I was going as the bike launched into the air. It was the craziest feeling ever. It was the first time I had ever launched myself off of something like that. I felt both wheels touch down. I felt a surge of triumph. And then...my knee, the one I had that old snowboarding injury the previous year, felt like it just collapsed as I touched ground. Focused on the lack of feeling in my leg and the imbalance, I lost grip on my handlebars. The front wheel twitched out and the handlebars flipped out of my hands. I felt myself crash hard to my left as my bike smashed down to the right. I landed on my hip I think, based on the fact there's a huge bruise there today. I also landed on my leg arm because there was dirt caked all over it when I stood up. But my armoured jacket protected me from any further damage there haha.

I don't think I was ever so embarrassed as I stood up to see a group of young guys hiking back up the side of the course to redo a section, slowing down and staring at me. The lady rushed up to the top and called down to see if I was OK. I said that I was. She gave me a thumbs up saying, 'well you did it! You did land it, though!!" I couldn't help but grin amidst the pain and humiliation of totally just eating dirt on it despite that I had landed it. A man near the bottom talked to me for a bit, trying to give me advice on what looked like had happened, which was totally awesome because he was so helpful and nice. I didn't mention my knee. But true, so true, I think I had no solid pressure on my handlebars and no control over that front wheel. I couldn't remember if i had touched my brakes. I felt frustrated. I carried on down the trail sloppily , not having recovered from the spill. I approached another set of lippy jumps and dumped my front end again STUPIDLY trying to pump them again. I got up and pulled myself and my bike off the course. I was done. I wasn't quitting, but I was determined to learn how to properly air jumps and drops before I put my foot down on a course like that again. I didn't care what anyone thought.

I got down to the pit and just related that my knee collapsed on me when I landed the drop and that I wouldn't be racing the next day. Which was true. I was sort of scared of that happening again until I was sure that in practice my knee wasn't going to collapse on me! But the last thing I wanted to tell everyone was, hey, I don't have the skills to race at the moment...sorry to let you all down. My ego and my pride felt like they had crashed off a huge drop, not me. I love downhill and I wanted to do this so badly. But I was lacking a skill I needed.

So that's that. I have my Blue Mountain bike park season pass, I'm going to Whistler this summer, and I'm dedicated to getting out on the trails 6x a week ....I'd be back. I'd master those skills and I'd be back. I tried to come up with a positive plan and outlook on the entire day.

I went out there and I tried. I tried to see if I could do it and I discovered what I needed to work on so that I COULD do it. Now I know what to practice. And I met some great people. Also, it's not a total loss because I can do the SuperD series to start myself off. It's still a solid race series and in the downhill discipline! My light 4x bike would be perfect for it, too. And later in the season, when I feel stronger in my skills, I will try it again.

Like I always say - it's not a question of "if" with me. "If" I can do it, and if I can't, I won't - it's about "when". Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon. I will. I never quit. And I'm not ashamed about how things turned out this weekend. I feel disappointed. But I'm so much better from even just getting out there to try. And you know what? Again, with regards to how long I've even been on a bike and what kind of rider I was just 1-2 years ago? The fact that my only problem right now is trying to learn how to launch my bike in the air and land jumps and drops like that, is pretty freaking awesome!!! If that's my only problem, then what's MY problem?!

It rained, of course, on my drive back to Ajax. But things brightened up as I put on my XC gear and picked up my friend, Matt, to go for a fun XC ride in Durham Forest. I felt at home as we hit the trails for a few hours. And the sun came out and basked everything to end the evening perfectly.

Looks like its going to be an interesting season!

XC Ontario Cup #1 - Mansfield Summary PART II

2009-04-30T22:11:00.000-04:00

My alarm went off at 6am on Sunday morning....The Day of the Race. I could see how dark and rainy it was from beneath my warm, comfy, duvet.

I questioned my sanity about racing in moments like that.... It was my Sunday, a good day off of work, that I was getting up at 6am for to torture myself into pain for 1.5 hours in terrible weather. I tried to block out the fact I was racing from my mind so that I could force myself to get out of the warm covers.

I stumbled downstairs and forced myself to eat a small bowl of plain oatmeal with bananas while I stared at the google map on my computer with a glazed expression. I gathered up my things and rushed outside to get my bike on my bike rack...which awesomely now only takes 2 seconds with my sweet Thule T2! I had to pick up Joey from my team, as he needed a lift to the race, and we agreed to meet at a Timmy's in Ajax that was a quick bike ride from his place. I got there to find Joey in a panic. He had lost something on the ride down and had to go back and look for it. I went to grab a coffee and a 12 grain bagel with PB (for post-race!) while I waited. He returned in more of a flury with not having been able to find what he had lost. He told me to go on to the race without him and that he'd keep looking for it and find another way there. I felt terrible driving away but I knew that I would miss my race if I had stayed any longer. And Joey was gone before I even had a chance to say anything.

The drive went a little slower than I had planned. I had lots of time (2 Hours) to suck back as much water as I could stand (along with my medium coffee!). I knew that I wouldn't want to drink during my race in weather like this, so I took the opportunity to get myself as hydrated as possible. I watched as the sky became darker with each passing kilometer, until the rain began to thunder down. As I made the last turn on the road that put me 20 minutes away and I drained the last of my luke warm coffee, I groaned. It was like a torrential downpour. I tried to think of something positive about the situation. I figured that maybe most of my competition wouldn't show up on account of the rain, and that maybe I'd have a shot at the podium! That be cool!

I made it to Mansfield with 30 minutes to spare before my race started. I ran to the loo, stripped off my layers, ran to registration to get myself checked in, gave Eden my car keys, and rushed off to the start line. Nobody from my team was there. I figured that would be the case as everyone else seemed to race at 1:30. I wasn't really bothered by it - I'm in my own zone when I'm about to race anyways. As I stood there, however, I realized my front brake had zero modulation, I couldn't quite shift into the middle ring with any success, and my tires (looking at everyone else's) were sort of inappropriate for the slick conditions. I shook it off and decided to just make do and make the goal to finish and stay on the bike. I did what I can't help doing, and also made friends with all of my competitors around me. Sometimes I think that will make me a terrible racer, because I can't help liking everyone around me and being so nice. But then I think that's B.S. because if you're acting like an ass, it's probably just compensation for something else or lack of something. Bike skillz and fitness win races, not being a jerk.

Well maybe I didn't have the skillz and fitness to win this race, but I sure gave it all I got. I felt really good out of the start and even passed a few people. But I think I held back too much. I wanted to stay on the bike and not blow up. It was my first race of the season and I really had no idea what to expect. It was slick and cold and I wanted to pace myself. I had to say though, training with Scott really helped a LOT. What a difference it's already making! I had no crashes or spills and pulled through both of my laps with consistency. I was hurting by the end of the first lap and dreaded the concept of doing a 2nd, though. But by the time I was getting through my 2nd lap, I was feeling quite alright. I REALLY enjoyed the Devil's Drop. I thought the wet made it better and more fun. I even got a chance to cut someone off at the zigzaggy finish after the Devil's Drop and push them to the outside and sprint to the finish! They weren't in my category but it was fun doing.

I stopped at the finish in a complete daze. I looked around to see if I knew anyone, but I didn't. I felt like I was buzzing from the inside and out. A girl handed me a chocolate milk bottle and I just stared at her blankly for a second while I took it in confusion. Nice goodie for the end though because when I finally got out of race mode, I was so happy to have it to drink! I coasted back down to registration, still not recognizing anyone. I went in to chat with Eden and got my keys back. I turned to my right to see Davidson from my team standing there with a big grin, in his big black poncho raincoat. We chatted for a bit and I found that some others were on their way. We went to check out the results of my race and he said all kinds of really motivational things about how I was doing and how I would progress throughout the season. I finished 9/12 but was on the tail of the girls in front of me....and best of all, I met my goal. I was close to the pack in my time! No big gaps! I was 13 minutes from 1st place. I felt good about it. It was my first race in Sport and I did OK! I went back to my car and craned up the heat as I got changed into warm clothes.

I stayed for the rest of the day for the feedzone for my teammates. I went into the little registration building to get a hot cider and eat my bagel. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I sat down with it! I text messaged my dad about my race and also my buddies out in North Shore to ask about how their first Super D race at Belcarra was oging. I went outside and chatted with familiar faces as they came up to me and hung out in the feedzone to help out with 4 guys from our team. It was sooo cold out! I was wearing a shirt, my Hurley hoodie, my raincoat with a downy vest over top! Thank goodness I brought hat and gloves.

I took photos at the finish line at the end of the race and packed up. The skies parted on my drive home and the sun came out in full force. I was too tired to be mad about it, though!

I got home and found myself out cold in my bed by 8:45 pm. I slept solidly until the next morning.

I was so glad I did the race. I was so glad I pushed myself to race in Sport and I was so grateful to have friends that could see my potential, too. I'm not disappointed that I finished so far back in the pack because....well if I finished Top 5 right from the get go, it would have taken away all the fun I'm now going to have all summer!!!

XC Ontario Cup #1 - Mansfield Summary PART I

2009-04-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

Leading up to the race, I had without hesitation registered in the Beginner category. And why shouldn't I? I haven't been riding that long, I wasn't especially great at it, learning DH out west did nothing to help me prepare for XC racing, and I raced Beginner with no podium in 2007. Well, out came the cats from the bag when I let that one get out. After my friends got through with me on the topic of "Why You Should Be Racing Sport", I don't think I could have looked any of them in the eye again had I actually gone ahead to race Beginner. The fear holding me back was that I was going to finish last place with a huge gap in time between me and the rest of the pack. I eventually got bored of worrying about it and just decided to go for it.

I prerode the course with Scott on Friday. It wasn't quite what I was expecting. I tried to think of all the fun memories of other O'Cup courses and couldn't quite remember anything being so steep in the "up" department. Was it just me? Was this what a year out west did to me? Anything that even 'ascended' was just amplified beyond reason in my mind? The course felt disjunct. Or maybe I just felt disjunct. Usually after 2 laps I had a pretty good picture of the course in my mind. I couldn't remember jack all about it after I was done. The only part I remembered was the Devil's Drop...and the roller on the singletrack before.

I think I was overwhelmed with trying to get it all in my head before I left and getting the feel of my new bike. Scott softened up my suspension for me later on, which made such a difference. I didn't even realize how bucked I was feeling until it was changed. On the drive home, I thought a little more about it and decided that it was a good course with good variation and amazing drainage. I had never ridden at Mansfield before so I never had a chance to see that fact. I accepted the fact that there had to be a couple of steep climbs and tried not to let myself be traumatized by that. Ha ha. The Devil's Drop was the only section I had a reaction to....I believe when I dropped into it... it was..."WHAT THE H$LL IS THIS?" I mean, don't get me wrong, I thought it was the best part of the course. But I was just totally not expecting it. It was just completely out of no where. He he! I also was stoked to think back on my Beginner 2007 races, where I was always scared of at least a few sections. I don't think I'm afraid of anything anymore. Which is such a great feeling! BC riding sure did a lot for my skill level. Sink or swim, mostly. Though, put my on a DH course and that's another story. There'll be 1 or 2 things that are not quite there yet as far as my skillz go (big drops, etc). But I've finally ascended being 'scared' of stuff in XC. Such an amazing feeling! I feel like such a loser for being scared of whatever it was I was! But hey, that's growth. And I've never ridden bikes before so....well I think it's cool. I love being able to look back on progress like that, because it was so fast. At the time, it felt slow, but now that it's been a few years...now it's so neat to look back on! Anyway, Now I can finally focus on pure fitness and power for XC racing and some more advanced skills to increase my speed.

Saturday was a brutal day to force myself to take a recovery day, for the first time, before a race - it was BEAUTIFUL outside. 24 degrees and sunny and warm. When I raced Beginner, I'd pre-ride the course all Friday evening and most of Saturday....and feel burned out for race day. But it was about survival back then - I didn't have the skills so I relied on knowing the course very well. Now I didn't need to do that. I needed to recover so that I had the energy to put some power down on the pedals.....Well that lasted as long as 7:30am. I packed up my stuff and drove up to Durham Forest to take it easy and focus on skill sessioning. I wanted to work on cornering. Cornering is the bane of my existance. I know cornering technique better than anyone - I learned from the best top pro's you can have for coaches. It was a matter of DOING it, though. I had to practice. I hadn't had the ability to practice my new skill knowledge on trails with the weather and trail conditions until now. So I used Saturday as the perfect opportunity. I was supposed to meet someone later that morning but they ended up calling to bail, so I ended up being in Durham Forest until the afternoon. I found a section that looped on itself but had the most perfect off-camber, descendy, tight single track corner (both ways). I think I did it a million times. I did get slightly lost in the forest and wound up on some pretty steep climbs - which was the LAST thing I wanted to ride. Oh well!

The weather turned for the worst by Saturday evening. I took a 'recovery nap' before dinner and woke up to howling winds, a blackened sky, and rain. I sat up with the most confused expression on my sleepy, blurred face when I saw it. It had just been sunny and warm!! I used it as a good excuse to do absolutely nothing all night. I watched some mountain bike DVDS and then packed up my stuff and went to bed.

My alarm went off at 6am on Sunday....

To be continued!..........

"There are faster learners, and there are good learners."

2009-04-29T07:32:00.001-04:00

The week is slipping by as per usual. In my typical Gemini style, I'll go-go-go and then drop. After training hard for XC Ontario Cup #1 this weekend, racing Sunday and still riding by Monday... it didn't take much for me to crash by Tuesday. It was probably more the cold and rain, than anything. I found myself passed out cold on my bed after work yesterday. I wanted to sit down and write up a summary of how my first race of the season went, but woke up too late and found myself running around doing errands. I'll make a point to write it out tonight after riding.

Tonight I'm making the first attempt to fit in both DH and XC training sessions. I'm hoping for a solid DH run tonight at the er, secret DH trail and then a good session at Durham Forest with the XC bike. DH O'Cup #1 is coming up this weekend...

To be continued....must run to work. Another day, another dollar...

To pay for my hobby.

"All I wanna do is get out and fly"

2009-04-20T21:48:00.000-04:00

Last week came and went quickly. It was a perpetual rush to scramble for work in the morning, attempt to stay focused, and dash back to the house to get my gear and bike for some evening riding. I got out to my local trail a few times and used it as a chance to shake off the cobwebs. O'Cup #1 is coming up way too fast. Faster than the trails are even drying out! I discovered that the bike trainer over the winter did jack all for my fitness on climbs - well go figure. A year of downhilling out West also did not help me in those regards.

I tried to just get the gist of flow, but couldn't help feel like a monkey on a tricycle. So uncoordinated. The 2nd night went better. I took my Trance X2 out for both nights so that I could enjoy a potential mud ride. And mostly because I just wanted to play around on the trails. That is a play bike. I justified that its weight and the flats would um, make me stronger when I switched to my lighter XC race bike.

Friday was the first real XC ride I've had since...omg....that crazy hike-a-bike-up-sketchy-rock-cliffs/Alice Lake XC ride I had with Dennis in Squamish back in the summer. Crazy. I think it lasted a few hours. I went with someone from my team who is super fast. Which made me wonder how I was really doing for performance. You tend to get this overwhelming impression that you suck so bad it defies the word SUCK when you're riding with someone who is light years faster than you and you full well know they are riding at their easy pace. I think I needed binoculars to find him after we tried a sprint on a fireroad from where I slowed down. My legs just refused to put out any more power. Like lazy jelly. I did work on intervals for sprinting on the trainer but clearly I need to take this little routine outside and practice more.

Anyway, he's definitely going to get me going faster, at any rate. But a lot of it is going to come from me continuing to get out there every night to work on what I'm weak in. Climbing is slow and I'm finding myself putting a foot out way too often on climbs with technical sch'tuff on them. It did happen less when I dropped the pride and my gears into the granny gear. My justification is that I'm 105lbs - so it's OK. My descending is good, happily. I just need to work on carrying more speed in the corners. And most of all, I need to get the "laa dee da" recreational, playing on the trail, no agenda - Whistler style riding, that I became accustomed to - out of my head! I sort of need to ride like I'm going to race!

I had a busy weekend that didn't involve the amount of riding I would have liked to have put in given the beautiful weather. But I had to make a trip back to my hometown to get some things done. I got new proper, official, floor mats for my Fitty...including a Fit rubber cargo mat for the hatch! So excited! I am rough in the summers with my car. I spent the sunny afternoon visiting my grandparents, joining the 21st century with my purchase of an iphone, taking my fat doggie for a long walk and cleaning my bike and car. I got my white handlebars and seat sparkling clean (mostly??) with Armoural. Yes, Armoural - it was that important.

I felt old and outdated upon the first hour of playing around with my new iphone. Technology man, it just moves too fast. Like I had to get an iphone because I couldn't keep up with my DAD in texting. I have to say though...Apple does style well. And know how to keep it simple, stupid! It is definitely aesthetically pleasing and toy-like. I like toys.

I had a downhill clinic in London the next day and rushed off for that, staying for a good portion of it. Clumsily participated in the drills using a GamJam that was too big for me, as my GamJam hasn't come in yet. Oh well, it was good to be on a big bike regardless of what I was doing.

I had to rush off again to pick my new bike rack up before the store out in Mississauga. I decided to get rid of the bike rack I got last week from MEC, after one day using it. I was way too sketched out by it. I don't know how people can trust such cheap crap on their cars and bikes. Plus I don't have the desire to fight with the bolts and pieces every day. And I know I ride almost every day so....I invested in a proper rack from Thule - the T2-2 bike rack. It's going to make my life easier , I can tell, and it's such a sturdy, good piece of equipment. Unfortunately, putting together the receiver bit involved a Sunday night in the garage full of cursing and swearing and banging. I felt satisfied after having it figured out and bolted on to my hitch, but damn give better instructions than a "bolt these together as the picture shows" , with a crappy picture that shows you nothing! Some of us aren't that technically inclined! More cursing ensued with the trays...but...I'm going to go to Canadian Tire to get some proper tools...I don't want to wreck the bolts.

I was up until almost 2 am this morning trying to catch up on some jobs for work. I just didn't want to have a stressful Monday. I guess I preferred to be tired, instead. And tired I was. It was a good match with the dark, windy, rainy day. I came home and passed out cold in my bed for almost 2 hours. I spent the rest of the evening making dinner and doing chore-like things. I dislike spending my time doing such things and the tasks to make life function just seem to add up over the years. And it makes me feel hella lazy not to be doing some sort of training. But honestly, I can barely stand up straight. Oh well, at least I got to finish the book I had been reading.

I'm hoping the weather clears up for tomorrow. I don't expect sunny skies like the weekend...but if the wind could just chill out a bit and the rain ease off, then I'm hoping to get back out on the trails tomorrow to get in some race cramming for the first XC O'Cup that is on Sunday. I can't believe it's already here. I don't know if I feel ready. I am haunted by the feeling of disappointing myself with my expectations for my first race back. But I'd be equally disappointed if I went into the race with zero expectations. Instead, I'm just going to be stoked with myself for racing and stoked for doing as well as I can. I'll just use the ol' routine of pretending that I'm running for my life and if I slow down, I'll die...or blow up..yes...blow up....if I go under certain rpm..I think it was a movie called....The bike that Couldn't Slow Down.

Well, off to bed I go. To continue another week. Another day, another dollar. Honestly, I like my life but the routine of office work often doesn't mesh with my nature. Sometimes I could just stand up, walk out the door amidst the questioning voices around me, get in my car and just drive man. Just go.

Oh wait - I've already done that a few times.

Finally on the trails after a long, cold winter.

2009-04-15T22:20:00.000-04:00

As my bike plunged down the familiar little trail, it felt strangely surreal. And although you wouldn't have been able to tell given the huge grin plastered over my face, I was definitely experiencing a wave of something. Something strange! Everything just sort of rushing over me. Years. It was my first night out on the local XC trails for the season. I hadn't been here in a long, long time. I may have stopped at a really familiar piece of trail and just stood there for a bit. I hadn't been here in well over a year. I could see myself in a distant memory, struggling with my old hardtail as I learned to ride these trails. It was like watching another person entirely and I was just watching it on the television screen. But it was me. And I am still that girl. Still striving and learning with unrelenting focus. Kinda makes me laugh a bit.

I lived in Ajax two years ago and learned to ride then. The memories linger like the crisp smells and sounds of a perfect summer's night. And so they were. Always perfect summer nights, pretty much cemented into my mind and heart. The last year wasn't exactly chop suey, of course. But it was different. As though someone had just pressed 'Stop' on my life, I suddenly picked up and moved to British Columbia 1 year ago. Everything felt gone here, so I felt like I just needed to leave. To get away. Catch my breath somewhere. Collect my thoughts.

British Columbia was like a fast dream. At the time, life felt slow and confusing. It was like standing in the backcountry wilderness by yourself with no direction or destination. You just passed the time wandering around. You ended up wherever you ended up at the end of the night. Memories flash of sitting in my empty condo in Maple Ridge trying to figure out where to go or what to do while the hours ticked by. I didn't know anyone. Then offering a ride to a few stranded Kiwis on my way up Seymour Mountain when I decided to learn snowboarding and finding a lasting friendship that took me through the winter months. Work had me on flights that were taking me to places I never dreamed of seeing: Northern BC, Yukon and Nunavut. As spring came, I developed new friendships and moved to North Vancouver. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I had found a group of friends that I'd never forget. But in the moment, still felt very alone. I went trail running a lot in Lynn Valley headwaters. I traveled so much with friends all over BC with our bikes. I was such a wanderer. I was free but didn't know how to emotionally and mentally comprehend it.

I guess if I sat still for too long, the creeping feeling of not knowing where I belonged just became too overwhelming. Nothing felt right. I was having fun and traveling a lot, but I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I just felt like a ghost.

As time continued to pass, the unnerving ghost-like feeling began to vanish as I grew to relish my freedom and aloneness. I liked doing my thing in my own time and in my way. However, about a year later, I landed a new job back in Whitby, ON and I once more picked up my life and moved. I drove back to Ontario to begin anew once more! It was somewhat strange to be back, with nothing the same but the trails I now rode again (and even some changes there!). But I felt right. I realized that I was happy wherever I was. And that all I needed, was me!

So my thoughts returned to mountain biking and the race scene.

So here I am again. Back after a year-long break....an adventure of an intermission. My restlessness appeased. I'm focused on my riding and getting back to where I left off in racing in 2007. I've spent the cold, dreary winter months inside in my home-gym in the basement training with the old bike trainer and strength training. It feels so good to be back outside on real trails for the first time...well....since I guess I went to Nevada in February for a downhill training course...hehe...but even that feels like a dream....and now....12 days until Ontario Cup #1!! I have no idea what to expect or where I stand. It has been a long time. Who knows what my training has even amounted to. But I don't want to do negative self-talk on myself. Regardless of what happens in my first XC and DH race....It will only get better from then on! That much is certain!